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  #21  
Old 11-22-2011, 11:01 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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[B]Opalecent
With regards to me being independant, in a lot of ways although I live and work with R. I am still very independant. I make good money and have been self sufficent for a long time. If I choose to end my relationship with R, I don't think it would affect my work/home lifestyle that much. I would probably still continue to live and work with R as its in my best interests financially. I am in the process of paying down my debt and at less than 25 I have a job that pays almost $70,000 dollars. I don't feel stuck as such, I am just frustrated. I thought we would have progressed more quickly.
Well, I am glad I misread the situation. From what you wrote, it seems like you were really stuck and you may still be emotionally stuck but that is a different animal in some ways from being financially dependent.

I'm also glad to hear about the good things you get from your relationship with R. I was having trouble figuring out why you were sticking with this relationship. A few months may help things along, that is true.
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  #22  
Old 11-22-2011, 11:45 PM
caragh87 caragh87 is offline
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SNeacail In a way she is throwing a tantrum, part of me wants to shake some sense into her, and the other part just feels sorry for her.
This is not what she chose, it was chosen for her.. but she chooses to say.

R is a very busy guy, and he and W both travel as well. This month has been kind to us as he has not had an away trip, this will not be a common accurance..
Next year it will be atleast a month every week that he will be gone.

I wish that we could be more like a family which is ideally what I would like, a group of people who love and respect each other and our seperate relationships.

Unfortunately most of the time I end up spending with both of them, I feel like the child in the situation, not because of my age but because of the way the W treats me. She is very condecending without being mean. She doesn't feel as though I am at all on her age level or maturity.. Infact the first time we met it was very very uncomfortable she was clearly angry and upset and I made a stupid joke.. it was childish but the first thing she did when they were alone was say "Really jokes like that???"

I must point out although she is 5 and a half years older than me, and has been married and well travelled.

My life through the past 5 years has been hell, I lost my mother to cancer.. I almost lost my dad to cancer and then lost him to a new family. I really am not as immature and inexperienced in life as W believes I am.
She got married to a not very nice person when she was much younger than I am, so in a way she is the one who has been sheltered.
Not being on her own for more than 3 months in the last 15 years to me thats huge, I wouldn't even have a chance to know who I am without have being single for so long.


R is by nature a very caring and loving person who likes to share his knowledge of things, she see's this as him babying me, I see it as how he likes to teach me things. And when she flies of the handle and is angry about who knows what, he speaks to her like she is a child and doesn't like it. lol but it is one of the many aspects of our relationship that she doesn't understand.

When we are all together she belives that she gets to sleep next to him, so when we had a family gathering (my first one) R and I had to change our whole plan. They drove down togerther, and I followed in his car. We then had the night together it wasn't that bad or unpleasant, but I slept on my own and so then felt very "out" for the weekend.

Its even as simple as things as, she doesn't like me sitting next to him, she looks like she wants to vomit when he kisses me goodbye.
I understand that this is hard for her, if anyone gets it. I GET IT. I know what its like to be without him more than anyone does.. but I think she see's me enemy.

I must say it feels good to get all of this out, I guess I am bitching about her.
I can't talk to anyone about this, because although all my friends and family know of the situation they can't really understand. Its just "well leave him and you wont have to put up with her" ahh yes my friends but then I will be without him which is something that I don't know that I am ready for. And one thing R will not tolerate is negative feelings from W or myself about each other, he doesn't feel its constructive.


opalescent

Despite his short comings, R is a good person who has done more for me than most. Emotionally I would stay I am a bit stuck with him, but I think their may come I time when we decide to part ways in terms of a relationship, but we will always be close.

I don't essentially believe in soul mates, but I believe that you have many great loves in your life time and he is one of my great loves. Maybe not the greatest of all, but he is a huge part of my story. He was their for me when no one else ways and he believes in me more than anyone else.
Even paying for me to start a course to further my education that I couldn't at the time because of my situation.

This forum rocks!
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  #23  
Old 11-23-2011, 12:10 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by caragh87 View Post
I must say it feels good to get all of this out, I guess I am bitching about her. I can't talk to anyone about this, because although all my friends and family know of the situation they can't really understand.
You might want to start a thread in the blog section. It does help to be able to vent sometimes as well as put thing down in writing and get some feedback. Good luck.

Last edited by SNeacail; 11-23-2011 at 03:10 AM.
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  #24  
Old 11-23-2011, 12:53 AM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I think most of us would prefer a group where the loves and metamours can get along, hang out and be on the same team.

Unfortunately, that actually requires some effort to choose partners that are healthy, open to polyamory, good communicators, secure in their own lives and needs and able to see others' points of view. Or someone willing to work and learn how to do and be these things.

I know you can't choose who you love. But you can choose who you enter a relationship with.

And I"m speaking more in general here, not really directing anything at you!
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  #25  
Old 11-23-2011, 01:21 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Wow, it sure does sound like R has a hard time with boundaries. He's 41, you're 25, his OSO is 30. Dunno how old his ex is, but let me guess, she's younger too. Plus, he's having swinger sex.

Sounds like he's in the throes of enjoying sex in multiple places, with younger attractive women... he's perhaps drunk on that, and therefore is thinking with his penis, not his bigger head.

R needs to start being firm about establishing boundaries, of time management, but also of respect. He's not respecting anyone here, just placating whichever woman he is with at the time.

For W to yell, I am not going to schedule dates, is at best, shortsided, and at worst, childish. You're being reasonable, to want 2 Sat nights a week, but flexible enough that if something special comes along, you'd give up your night.

I even feel kinda bad for R, having to spend every night with one or the other of you. When does he get a night off to just chill, or see other friends, pursue hobbies, etc?

I am truly sorry W isn't on board with his poly nature, and really wishes for a mono relationship. Obviously she is not going to get it, so I hope she comes to understand (with R's help) that she either has to become more reasonable about sharing him, or go get herself a mono man. Simple, really.
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  #26  
Old 11-23-2011, 03:15 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I am truly sorry W isn't on board with his poly nature, and really wishes for a mono relationship. Obviously she is not going to get it, so I hope she comes to understand (with R's help) that she either has to become more reasonable about sharing him, or go get herself a mono man. Simple, really.

I wonder how much R is helping to foster the illusion that things may work out with him and W? If he truly is just placating whichever woman he is with at the time (throwing the other person's needs under the bus to do it), and at the same time off at various other times doing whatever he wants with other women, then it really seems he may just be doing or saying whatever he needs to at the moment to keep things HE wants.

I think that if he was really thoughtful, respectful and loving then if he saw that W is really not ever going to be happy with a poly relationship and he is never going to be monogamous he owes it to her (and himself really) to be honest to her in that regard. It's not helping her if he keeps juggling things trying to please her because it is fostering the illusion that it's not HIM that's the problem-- it's the rest of the women in his life. :-\

It just seems very selfish. He wants you, he wants her, he wants to do whatever he wants with anyone else. When do the wants and needs of the women in his life come into play?

Sometimes I think if you're really being loving and respectful, you have to know when staying in a relationship with somebody is harmful to THEM-- and let them go so that they can find someone who can give them what they need and want. Keeping them around because it makes YOU happy is kinda shitty.
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  #27  
Old 11-23-2011, 10:22 PM
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Perhaps he should be shown this thread to see the effect he is having on the loves in his life.
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  #28  
Old 11-24-2011, 12:46 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Caragh87,

I had a thought - see how it sits with you and use or not as you wish.

W is certainly difficult to deal with. And I know she has had abusive relationships in the past. And R sounds like he is telling you and her and maybe even himself what he thinks they want to hear rather than what is going on.

I know R has been for you during some difficult times and he deserves props for that. But he has not been acting very trustworthy to you or W lately. Maybe this is a passing situation and once all involved talk, come to some agreements, he will act as someone worthy of trust.

But it strikes me that W may be reacting the way she is in part because she feels the lack of trust from R. Being with someone who is not trustworthy can make one crazy. Of course, she is still responsible for her behavior. Perhaps this may help frame how you deal with her. I wish you the best.
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  #29  
Old 11-24-2011, 01:29 AM
caragh87 caragh87 is offline
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I think once im thinking more clearly I will show him this thread.

I have started a blog to get out all my feelings.

W is not a bad person and she does seem to be, becoming more reasonable but shes not happy with the situation overall and that is clear.
She isn't mean to me as such, or even not nice..
I don't know its hard to describe.

At first she was treating me like the girl her boyfriend cheated with, then she was treating me like the person that her boyfriend was still cheating with.. but she was willing to put up with it. But she still would point out at every point that basically I was the whore and I was ruining their relationship.

Now she treats me as though, I am just there.. a fixture in their lives until I am not anymore.

I try to be as considerate as possible, we were all at our place last night and I went to bed super early so they could have time alone even though I wasn't tired.

I try, I do try with everything I do.
I am trying to understand If I can every trust R again, right now its looking like I can't.
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  #30  
Old 11-24-2011, 03:23 AM
caragh87 caragh87 is offline
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So I am really really struggling.

I know that the chances of me ever being able to trust R again are slim.
I know that he doesn't really deserve my trust or forgiveness but I also know that I love him.

I don't know HOW I could trust him, so I thought I could ask the one other person who might be able to help me understand how its possible.. so I asked W.


This was her response
" I trust him, no question. I don't know how I got past the mistrust. Wish I could give you some magic adice, but its probably an indivdual thing- for me it just happend and I was able to make peace with it some how"

I don't know what troubled me more, her unwavering forgiveness or the fact that he actually did fuck up. God if I told her she probably wouldn't believe me.
Telling her would break her heart, but not telling her is breaking my heart.

I can't make sense of anything anymore, and its his fault.
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