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  #11  
Old 11-22-2011, 03:01 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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It's really too bad W is merely tolerating your relationship with your bf. It seems to me this all should have been negotiated before you moved in with him! She was his local primary, you were a secondary in practice b/c of the LDR situation. Now she must feel like you moved into her turf and feels threatened.

She was used to sleeping with him 7 nights a week, even though they don't live together. Now, here you are, in his house, sharing lives at work and at home, and she's kind of out of the loop and getting a lot less time with him than she's used to. I don't blame her at all for feeling jealous and envious.

Second point: I concur with what other posters have said. Your bf cheated on both of you. Ethically, he has no choice but to tell her and deal with the fallout, her anger, whatever. He made a HUGE mistake, being new to having 2 local gfs and still fucking his ex! Plus he has swinger sex as well! How much sex with different people does one guy need? Jeez.

He needs to man up and tell her. If I were you, I'd give him a deadline, tell her by such and such a time, or I will. He needs to get his poly principles and communication skills, and self awareness sorted out, and stat, before any of this is going to work.

If his gf can't do more than tolerate you, and is nowhere near to compersion for bf's relationship with you, and is gonna freak that he cheated, she'd probably be better off with a more mono (or strictly swinger) guy, than she is with him.

Thanks for explaining about the benefits of the Saturday night date.
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  #12  
Old 11-22-2011, 03:38 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm not into doing stuff for someone's "own good", as in "I'm breaking up with you for your own good", but I don't get why people stay with someone who brings so much drama and unhappiness into their life when the situation obviously just isn't right. He has a responsibility to end it if their relationship is so dysfunctional that he can't even bring himself to 1) acknowledge to her how important you are to him, 2) tell her the truth about his infidelity and ask forgiveness, and 3) say "no" when she asks for things that violate agreements he's made with you. This is not all on her, cheating aside, I see him as the one who's really messing up here. At 41, he should know better.

If I were you I would think long and hard about what kind of guy his actions have revealed him to be, not what kind if guy he presents himself as.
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  #13  
Old 11-22-2011, 05:17 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
If I were you I would think long and hard about what kind of guy his actions have revealed him to be, not what kind if guy he presents himself as.
I agree. And I think that a lot of people's drama could be relieved if everybody did this.
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  #14  
Old 11-22-2011, 06:06 PM
rosephase rosephase is offline
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I think you, all three of you, need to sit down and talk. It sounds like you guys aren't on the same page. And it sounds like you are assuming that your boyfriend is leading her to believe they have a different relationship then he is telling you they have. My guess is he is doing the same to her about your relationship with him. It doesn't sound malicious on his part just trying to avoid hurting people in the short run while being a coward. That is never going to work in a poly relationship.

What is happening is unfair to you and W. If you feel like this relationship is worth keeping then I think it's time you insist on open lines of communication and a very least a meeting to talk about things like Saturdays, his cheating and safer sex practices. This is basic planning and safety and whether W or R likes it this is something that is needed if you are going to be a part of each other's lives.
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  #15  
Old 11-22-2011, 07:36 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I understand that she is not comfortable being friends with you, but the three of you still need to be able to coordinate your schedules. If ex's that hate each other can do it when they share custody of a child, then certainly 3 adults can sit down once a month with a calendar and hammer out a schedule, where everyone gets a voice. Otherwise it's just a game of "telephone" and two of you are feeling put out and slighted and he is in the middle being pulled in different directions and can't please either of you.
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  #16  
Old 11-22-2011, 09:47 PM
caragh87 caragh87 is offline
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Default So confused.

I whole hardly agree with all of you.

Ideally I advised him not to tell her because when I found out, I was just so hurt and I didn't want anyone else to feel that. It wasn't my call to make and I think I scared him into not telling her. How do I convince him thats the right thing to do?

He has kept things from her before and they did end up coming out when he was upset and emotional. It took a long time for their relationship to regain any kind of strength at all.

W & R are both in therapy at the moment, its meant to be together but R doesn't like to go because he just feels like W and the pyschologist gang up on him and tell him that hes wrong, and what hes doing is wrong.. and he shouldn't be doing it. This is with regards to the poly lifestyle that we are trying to live.

W is not down for schedules. I mean like when I brought up the idea of a schedule she said "I WILL NOT SCHEDULE TIME WITH MY PARTNER" in a big loud and scary voice.. R and I believe this is the way to go, and planning will help to cause less pain and uncertainity. I am used to going weeks without seeing him, she is not. The longest they have ever been apart is I guess about 3weeks in close to 2 years? I tried to explain that a schedule isn't something that has to be rigid and flexible.. if its my night and its her mothers birthday would I really kick up a stink? No I wouldn't and I would hope she wouldn't do the same.
I guess what W doesn't understand, in that scheduleing events and functions every Saturday night for the last month.. she is creating her own schedule and agenda.


With me not having any Saturday nights with him in the last month, she has not had any Friday nights with him.. I am sure thats not a nice feeling either to come home from a tired and stressful working week and having no one to curl up next too? Last Friday night I assume she had a freak out because I heard some firm discussions on the phone. Normally she takes a tone that is negative and accusing. R doesn't like to deal with this so he will hang up until she calms down. I tend not to go into the specifics of their relationship dynamic because seeing them fight is the one thing that bothers me the most.

I delt with my parents fighting my entire life, and they always would pull me into the middle. Although R and W don't pull my into the fights, normally.. I am the reason for these arguments.. It may be the way one of them is acting but usually its in relation to me and my presence.


I know that I should have thought more carefully about all of this before I packed up my life.. but in a way I didn't have a choice.
I was VERY unhappy with my job, I was just about to be homeless as the place I was living in had been sold, I am no longer close with my family as my mum died and my dad has a new partner that I really don't like. So I did take a risk and move here, it was not done without consideration but I suppose I didn't think carefully enough about the logisitcs of it all.


I wish I could talk more openly to W about my issues, at the moment its going to have to be a wait and see scenairo. R goes to China in 12 days for 2 weeks so we will both be without him for a while. It just so happens he's leaving on a Sunday night which means the Saturday night before then he will be at home with me. I am sure W will have a problem with this, but he tells me not to worry and that he is listening to what I am saying, that W can't be in control of planning everything to suit their relationship. I feel like I am invisable to her, and this is something that I can't change. I can't change her core beliefs or values.


I am angry that I sacrifised my one night a week, and I told him the other day that this is not something that can continue for the duration of our relationship. W needs a certain period of time to adjust to the situation but then things need to change.

With regards to the whole..How much sex does someone need comment...
I can't agree more, I don't think the cheating was really about the sex. This ex is moving back to where we live, and she asked if she could be apart of what we have going on, he said he would ask and the response was "Um no.. as in no fucking way" At that time, he said he saw her point of view on the situation and that she had been around for a long time, and that in a way he felt like he owed it to her. I told him that by the sounds of things he was going to do something if presented with the chance. Well he did, he did exactly what I thought he would.


At this point, I don't really know what I can do.. I didn't know much about the V relationships and primary and secondary and all the different situations. I need to do some more reading and see if I can come to peace with the decsion that I've made and see if we can work through these issues, or call it a day.
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  #17  
Old 11-22-2011, 10:04 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I'm going to throw something out there, but feel free to disregard if it doesn't apply!

It really seems to me that W is not happy with a poly relationship. The fact that they're going to counseling and W found a counselor that thinks poly is not a good choice and she is agreeing with the counselor is pretty telling.

It's my very personal opinion that some people are just not going to be happy living in polyamorous arrangement, no matter how hard they try.

I think often that people will agree to a poly arrangement because they are in love with/in lust with/attached to a person and that's what that person wants and is going to do, so it comes down to choosing to try to adapt to (or for some people "put up with") a poly relationship, or leave the person.

So now you're caught up in this situation where things aren't working smoothly for you, but you can't do the things you would normally do in a poly relationship to help the situation -- talk it through, sit down with all parties, compromise. That has to be truly frustrating.

But here's another thing I'm seeing-- none of this is within your control. You can't decide how he's going to handle his relationship with W, you can't control how W is going to act or feel. All you can control is yourself.

So basically you might want to start taking a good, hard, realistic look at your whole situation and see if you can live with it, or if you can live with it for certain period of time to see if it can improve, or if it's just not working for you.
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  #18  
Old 11-22-2011, 10:06 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Whatever you decide, figure out how you can be independent. It sounds like you moved from one bad situation with your family right into another one. What can you do (from really small things like saving pennies to big things like getting a degree in something) to make you independent financially? If you can support yourself then you have many more options in life. I wish you the best.
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  #19  
Old 11-22-2011, 10:43 PM
caragh87 caragh87 is offline
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Minxxa
I agree with you.. I don't think that W is ever going to be happy with a poly lifestyle, other than her therapist and ONE friend just one who HATES R with a passion because of it.. knows about what we are doing.
She has such guilt and shame associated with her decsion to stay with him.
I am confident that she belives in time, my relationship with R will change and they will become mono. R hasn't been mono in 20 years, and although I don't agree with a lot of the things that he does/has done in the past. I don't believe he is built for mono relationships, as I don't think they forfill him.

My relationship with R may change, but I believe that we will always have a deep connection that will cross the boundaires of what W will deem acceptable. We don't intend to ever lose that connection as it something that has helped us greatly through-out our lives and continues to do so.

I think your feedback is right, I do need to see if I can accept this situation. I wrote R a letter (not ideal) and just told him that although it appeared like he was listening he wasn't HEARING what I was saying. He wasn't able to process and hang on to the thought so that it might be used to more carefully consider me when planning things, and just saying "yes" to W all the time because its easier to hurt my feelings that is hers.

Our realtionship is stronger, despite the fact that they have been together in person a lot more of the time and seem to have scared a lot. Their relationship is still volatile.

At times I don't know which is worse, the fact that R insists on following his desires and trying to live a poly lifestyle at W's expense, or the fact that W expects that R should be the one to solve all her problems and make the situation okay for her.

No one can change her level of acceptance towards the situation. She believes in marriage and ever lasting LOVE. She was married for 10 years (and still is technically) But was only separated and living on her own for 2 months when she met R. Her ex makes R seem like a god-send because he was emotionally abusive and controlling.. and still is being this way at the moment.

Deep down I believe that W has a fear of being alone and that R knows how much W loves him and isn't sure if he'll find someone to put up with what she is dealing with. I would love to point out to him, that I actually do as well haha.


Opalecent
With regards to me being independant, in a lot of ways although I live and work with R. I am still very independant. I make good money and have been self sufficent for a long time. If I choose to end my relationship with R, I don't think it would affect my work/home lifestyle that much. I would probably still continue to live and work with R as its in my best interests financially.
I am in the process of paying down my debt and at less than 25 I have a job that pays almost $70,000 dollars.
I don't feel stuck as such, I am just frustrated. I thought we would have progressed more quickly.

In all fairness its only been a month, I feel I owe it to myself to at least try for a couple of months to see if we can get more of a balance and have a more harmonus relationship.
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  #20  
Old 11-22-2011, 10:45 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by caragh87 View Post
W is not down for schedules. I mean like when I brought up the idea of a schedule she said "I WILL NOT SCHEDULE TIME WITH MY PARTNER" in a big loud and scary voice.
Can you say 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum. This just makes me laugh. I've been married for 20 years (we are not poly yet) and if I don't schedule time with my husband, I'd never see him. We do have two kids and are both actively involved with outside activities on top of the kids activities, so we live by the calendar (as did my parents). I finally downloaded my husbands calendar onto my phone, so I could make sure things got on it.

What she is really saying is that she is putting up with a poly partner, but will do everything in her power to make things difficult for everyone else.
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