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  #31  
Old 05-04-2009, 12:41 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Welcome to the boards.

Sorry it's taken me a while to join in on your thread--I've been out camping with a whole bunch of interesting people and even a few dirty hippies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by smilnlol View Post
Why do we need other people if our relationship is healthy and satisfying?
Why do people have more than one child if the experience of having the first is healthy and satisfying?

If you have more than one child, do you love the last any less than the first?

Think back to the relationships that you've had. Was each relationship identical to all the others? Or did each lover share a bond with you that wasn't replicated by the other pairings you've lived?

I'll wager that, like most people, your relationships have each been individual in flavor and texture. Why, then, would you expect a new relationship to somehow make the one you have cease to be as unique as it is?

One important aspect of poly living that you appear to be missing is a little thing called "compersion," or taking joy in your lover's happiness. In poly tangles, we take joy in our partners finding yet more love that increases their joy and enriches their lives.

Quote:
I just don't want to pretend sex isn't a driving factor.
You don't have to pretend. Sex isn't generally a driving factor.

If sex were a driving factor in what we do, we wouldn't get involved with multiple relationships and all of the added work that comes with them. Sex is so much easier to get outside of relationships--we could simply take up swinging or pretend to be mono and cheat or simply remain single and always play the field. Or, for me, I'd simply hire a whore.

The sex is an outgrowth of the relationships. I didn't alter my budget to travel out of state often just so I could have sex. I didn't spend hours providing emotional support to my girlfriend when her teenagers were making life hell just so I could get sex. I didn't spend time listening to two women nag at me to take better care of myself just so I could get sex.

Sex is easy to get from my wife. Sex is easy to get picking up women at a local bar. Sex is easy to get by calling an escort--and that'd cost less than what I spent traveling and helping provide for that second household. Sex doesn't drive me--nor most poly folk--to a new relationship.

It's the relationships that drives me to stretch myself too thin on some occasions. It's the relationships that lead me to provide emotional support to two women who have emotional crises at the same time. It's the relationships that drive me to further relationships.

And part of loving freely and allowing the relationships to grow as they will is the reality that they may--likely will--involve sex. To mistake that outgrowth of the living and loving as a driving force involves a serious mistake of perception.

Quote:
and I guess this life, opening myself to others, scares me. I hate dating : )
I'm with ya there! I'm always scared of growing intimacy with another person, though I always welcome that quiver of fear as part of the dance of life. I've been discarded several times by (now former) lovers and fully realize that it can happen again at any time. I fully accept that risk because the relationships are rewarding, even those that end much sooner than I would like.

Shakespeare claimed it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. I'm thinking it better to have loved as deeply and often as possible, despite what losses may occur along the way. I don't regret the relationships I've had; I vaguely regret having settled for mono relationships so many times and wonder how many other wonderful relationships I've missed out on because of that.

And I hate dating.
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  #32  
Old 05-04-2009, 12:45 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I fully expect this not to be a popular comment, but it is again, based on my experience. I am not here to say what others want to hear, but say what my heart and mind have felt.
We don't want popular comments. We want the real thoughts and opinions of real people navigating their way through Life as best they can. Your thoughts and opinions are as valid as anybody else's on here.

It's one of those relationship things...speak to us truly so we may know what is actually happening.
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  #33  
Old 05-04-2009, 12:58 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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"Sex isn't generally a driving factor".

Sorry my friend.. I have to disagree with you on this point. I've met a fair number of polyamorous people and sex is definitely a driving factor. Without sex you essentially have a deep relationship; which is quite possible in platonic situations.

Respectfully, I think this statement is delusional and avoiding one of the huge benefits of polyamorous relationships, which is experiencing, people in an emotional, spiritual and definitely sexual way. If it wasn't for the sexual aspect, we wouldn't need to call loving other people in this way by a distinct name.

I respect your view and aproach to polyamory, and hope I have not offended. If I have, I sincerely apologize.

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 05-04-2009 at 01:23 AM.
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  #34  
Old 05-10-2009, 12:30 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I have stayed out of this thread, so Smilnlol could explain what she is going through without interference from me.

She pretty much knows all the logical arguments for polyamory since I have been talking about it for years. I think where she has issues is more on the emotional level. For example, she worries she will not be special if I love someone else. I try to explain how she will be special, but that does not help her feel better about it. It matters more that she feels special instead of her being special. So I am not really sure what to say to this.

She is also not forced into polyamory, but she feels pushed since she knows I would be sad without it. She doesn't want to be the person who makes me sad, so she feels she has little choice in this. She is trying to deal with this trapped feeling.

She also seems to think along the lines of MonoVCPHG. For example, on sex being a driving factor, she sees that it is focus of a lot of poly issues and one of the central acts that separates friends from lovers. However, I see it similar to how a single person would see sex. They will want to date, and they want to be sexually compatible with the person they date. So single people tend to have a focus on sex while they are trying to find a relationship. I find the relationship to be more important, but I know that sexual compatibility makes it so much better.

She understands my views to an extent. For example, she knows it is not all about the sex because I am not trying to get us into swinging. However, that does not make her feel any less that sex is one of the number one reasons to be poly.

I am not sure how things will turn out. I am happy that she is trying to be as accepting as possible about this. I know it causes her grief and I wish I could spare her that.

Anyway, that is my perspective.
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  #35  
Old 05-10-2009, 10:01 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Reminds me of a song about love I've not heard in at least two decades:

"I't's just like a magic penny
Hold it tight and you won't have any
Lend it, spend it and you'll have so many
They'll roll all over the floor"
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  #36  
Old 05-10-2009, 10:14 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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I think you missed the point I offered. If sex were a driving factor, there are far easier ways to get sex that don't involve the work of a relationship. Sex only becomes a factor within a relationship. Yes, we want the wonderful sex that comes with a wonderful relationship. That, however, doesn't make sex a driving factor to be poly, just an expected outgrowth of a romantic relationship.

And the fact that there are poly folks who engage in deep relationships without sex shows that sex isn't necessary to a deep romantic relationship. That highlights that sex is not a driving factor, necessarily, for becoming poly.

That's also not to say that some folks view it as such. The fact that some do doesn't mean it is a driving factor in general. Some future study may show that such folk are in the majority in the poly community, certainly, which would make support of the notion that sex is a driving factor fully supportable. My experience suggests otherwise.

So, there's no delusion. And, if you read the whole of what I said, you'll find that I don't diminish the importance of sex in any fashion as part of the relationships. I just don't see it as a driving factor any more than I see it as a driving factor in a deep romantic mono relationship. I didn't marry my wife just for sex, nor was it a major consideration--I could get sex without all the work of a relationship and being involved in a relationship has never been necessary to get sex.

Indeed, if sex were a driving force, I suspect one would swing in preference to opening up as poly. I offer that the driving force thus isn't sex, it's the ties of relationship that drives us poly, and sex is just one of many benefits.
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  #37  
Old 05-10-2009, 11:20 PM
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River River is offline
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I've never really liked sex with anyone I didn't want to be close to/with. Seems rather contradictory.
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  #38  
Old 05-11-2009, 04:54 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Sorry, we'll have to agree to disagree on this one.

Maybe the word "sex" should be replaced with "intimate friendship". To me if you are seeking what I consider intimate friendship, you are expecting the inevitable promise of sex. If you find yourself considering a polyamorous relationship with an existing friend, the difference between the deep platonic relationship that may already exist will be the desire and realization of sex.

I have not met anyone that would state they have a polyamorous with someone that they are not, or have been, sexually active with.

It really doesn't matter though. It's only an opinion that has little bearing on my incredible relationship with Redpepper and her husband. I have better areas to focus my attention than trying to understand how each person approaches a polyamorous love style.

I can appreciate most, but don't expect to understand..nor do I expect others to understand mine fully. And trust me..I have some weird issues LOL!!

Thanks for your thoughts and opinions..if we all agreed there wouldn't be a forum!!

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 05-11-2009 at 05:14 AM.
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  #39  
Old 05-12-2009, 08:40 PM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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I've never really liked sex with anyone I didn't want to be close to/with. Seems rather contradictory.JRM

Indeed, if sex were a driving force, I suspect one would swing in preference to opening up as poly. I offer that the driving force thus isn't sex, it's the ties of relationship that drives us poly, and sex is just one of many benefits. SC

I feel you both are saying basically the same thing but thru different means....the same with Mono.....since we are all in poly, we have been looking for more than just casual sex as swinging or remaining single would provide. Obviously we all need more. We need to experience a different depth, more layers of the onion, so to speak, than the average horny guy out there, just looking for more sex.

I myself, had a 20+ year long platonic relationship with many deep moments that only recently crossed over into a poly situation with this person, my wife and I. The sharing of this love with another person combined with the sexual component significantly enhances the friendship and our lives. Clearly, we wouldn't be in a poly arrangement without the sexual component, however it most definately is the whipped cream and cherry on the top of the overall relationship, not the basis for the friendship or the poly arrangement.
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  #40  
Old 05-15-2009, 02:16 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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very belated Welcome to Smilnlol

and wow, so much wonderful advice in just this one thread, thank you all for sharing and passing along advice.

I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said here, but good luck to you hun whatever you decide works best for you.
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