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  #11  
Old 11-21-2011, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
What really took me time to realize was this: Fairness is not about both partners having the same set of freedoms and boundaries. Fairness is each partner having access to the kinds of activities he or she is interested in, and respect of the other's personal boundaries.
I think this is very well put!

I have suggested a boundary in my relationship with my husband. I feel uncomfortable with the idea of him sleeping with or having a relationship with any of my closest friends. So I've asked him not to do that. This doesn't apply the other way around because he has a different approach to his friends and he wouldn't feel bad if I did something with them. However, everything's negotiable. If one day he came to me and said he has fallen in love with my best friend or that he has a very strong desire/attraction to her and asked if I could change my mind about the boundary, I probably would. For now it just means that I'd prefer if he didn't and if he could focus his attention to someone else, I would be pleased.

We also have some other boundaries, mostly related to safe sex practices. But if the new person was just tested (and could prove it) and someone you could trust (i.e. have known for a while already), then maybe some of the boundaries could be renegotiated.

I think that if I was "forbidden" to do something I wouldn't do anyway, I wouldn't even consider that much of a boundary for myself. For example if my husband said I couldn't eat meat from now on, I might be upset thinking that he thinks he can control me - but in the end it wouldn't change anything since I'm already a vegetarian and wouldn't eat meat anyway.
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  #12  
Old 11-21-2011, 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Fairness is not about both partners having the same set of freedoms and boundaries. Fairness is each partner having access to the kinds of activities he or she is interested in, and respect of the other's personal boundaries.

.
Thank you for putting this so clearly! Not that I want other partners, but I have tried to imagine what that would likely look like for me if I wanted to explore more openness in my relationship as a way to give RP more freedom. Your situation is more closely to what I think that would look like.

Nice post
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  #13  
Old 11-22-2011, 12:20 PM
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Was this question addressed to me? Yes, you could say our agreement comes close to OPP, though I do not think using derogatory terminology to describe my partner's feelings facilitates understanding and good communication. (If interested in continuing conversation, please do so here.)
OK, I retract using the words "imposed on you," and apologize.
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  #14  
Old 11-22-2011, 04:55 PM
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OK, I retract using the words "imposed on you," and apologize.
Thank you, I appreciate this and apology accepted.
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  #15  
Old 11-22-2011, 08:49 PM
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I have tried to imagine what that would likely look like for me if I wanted to explore more openness in my relationship as a way to give RP more freedom.
That says a lot, doesn't it, Mono? I don't think you would have tried to imagine that a year ago. I think you must be less afraid, and more comfortable and trusting now, to even let yourself imagine it.
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  #16  
Old 11-23-2011, 03:23 PM
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That says a lot, doesn't it, Mono? I don't think you would have tried to imagine that a year ago. I think you must be less afraid, and more comfortable and trusting now, to even let yourself imagine it.
Although fear is not a word I normally associate with in matters of the heart, you are right that even looking at this scenario is a long way from last year.
Redpepper and I have discussed some things related to increased freedom for her and the only fear I have is my own motivations. Am I genuinely ok with it or am I less invested in the relationship and therefore don't value her sexuality/intimacy as much? There is a problem there because if I am less invested then that means my connection is weakening. That in turn leaves the window open to new connections to form. I'm mono...my heart focusses on one person at a time....that's bad when you have a poly girlfriend.

All this being said, I think I might be ready to test that with her and Leo. Things will change somewhat but that is inevitable. There is always cause and effect...the wrong thing to do is assume that those effects will be negative! Maybe they will be good in the long run for both of us

We'll see.....the adventure continues!
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  #17  
Old 11-23-2011, 08:13 PM
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Hi, I knew when I posted that you would react in some way to my choice of the word "afraid." But when I wrote that, I was thinking that you did have a fear of losing your connection. Anyway, I think that Redpepper has shown you how her love for you is unwavering, and your trust levels have risen. As far as your motivation in reconsidering boundaries, I don't think there has to be anything negative about it. You wonder if your connection to her could weaken, but has it? You may be worrying for no reason. I think your considering changes can be a sign of strengthening your connection. It could be that you are just more comfortable with... everything, and happy, that you don't need to hold on so tightly anymore.

Yes, it is an adventure!
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-23-2011 at 08:19 PM.
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  #18  
Old 11-23-2011, 08:57 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Hi, I knew when I posted that you would react in some way to my choice of the word "afraid." But when I wrote that, I was thinking that you did have a fear of losing your connection. Anyway, I think that Redpepper has shown you how her love for you is unwavering, and your trust levels have risen. As far as your motivation in reconsidering boundaries, I don't think there has to be anything negative about it. You wonder if your connection to her could weaken, but has it? You may be worrying for no reason. I think your considering changes can be a sign of strengthening your connection. It could be that you are just more comfortable with... everything, and happy, that you don't need to hold on so tightly anymore.

Yes, it is an adventure!
You could be right ....more self analysis coming up. I'd say we are stronger..or at least better defined in what we can give each other. All good I think
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  #19  
Old 11-25-2011, 02:19 AM
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
my husband is an ethical slut. I describe him as "barely monoamorous." Before me, he had never had a relationship that lasted longer than 6 months because he always bailed as soon as it started to get too emotional.
this is my first time commenting or posting anything in this forum.
I've been lurking here all week.
I just stumbled upon Poly by accident really.

your post really made me certain that this is the next step in my relationship with my 'boyfriend'
we have been good friends for Many many many years. in all the years i have known him he has never been able to form long lasting relationships.
he is very emotionally challenged as i like to call it and a commitment phoebe.
we started a sexual relationship about a month after i ended my 13year marriage (which had been over for 5years, it just took me that long to walk away from 20years of my life)

The past 9 months have been wonderful.
Knowing how he is, i keep things very emotion free and i give him all the room in the world... but i came to realize that i love him, that he is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. i want him in my life.
He has always been upfront about NOT wanting to date, and NOT wanting a Girlfriend. Although most of our friends assume we are dating that i am his girlfriend.
He as always said that i'm a great girl and didn't want to hold me back from finding someone wonderful who could give me all the things i deserved.
SO 2 weeks ago i told him that i needed more from him, that i wanted him to be my boyfriend, not in the traditional sense, but i needed to know that he felt that way too. He said he felt like I needed something more stable and he didn't want to hurt me and he cared for me deeply.
he doesn't want to let me go.
he wants to continue seeing me. he says he cant imagine not having me in his life and I know he is really struggling with being in a committed relationship.

i think opening up the relationship to poly will make a big difference and is probably exactly what has been missing in his life.
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  #20  
Old 11-25-2011, 07:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Claud26 View Post
your post really made me certain that this is the next step in my relationship with my 'boyfriend'
he is very emotionally challenged as i like to call it and a commitment phoebe.
He as always said that i'm a great girl and didn't want to hold me back from finding someone wonderful who could give me all the things i deserved.

SO 2 weeks ago i told him that i needed more from him, that i wanted him to be my boyfriend, not in the traditional sense, but i needed to know that he felt that way too. He said he felt like I needed something more stable and he didn't want to hurt me and he cared for me deeply.
he doesn't want to let me go.
he wants to continue seeing me. he says he cant imagine not having me in his life and I know he is really struggling with being in a committed relationship.
I think it would be useful for the two of you to talk about what you each mean by "commitment."

It's worth finding out if his fear is that you will chain him up and tell him he can't look at other women, that's very different from a fear that you will make demands on his time and energy and emotions and that he won't be able to live up to your expectations.

If his fear is that you will make demands of him that he does not feel capable of providing, then polyamory will not resolve those fears.

If he is emotionally challenged, then a fear of failing you is very realistic. Honestly, some people just can't handle emotional relationships. If that is how he feels, then saying you need more from him basically proves what he already fears: he's not even in a relationship with you, and he's already a disappointment and not living up to your expectations...

At which point, you need to look inside and re-evaluate your expectations and needs. Do you need "him" to be more to you, or is it a human need for a close, intimate relationship with another person? Is it possible that pursuing polyamory would allow you to keep this relationship with him in whatever capacity he's emotionally able to maintain, while also seeking out this "something more" that you feel a need for?
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