New To Poly with Husband - Seeking Advice

[msadams]

Ugh.

He is unavailable to speak right now, but through texting he explained to me that he broke it off with her two days after going to LA. They are trying to be friends and make the best of their time in the meantime, so I think they are intimate, but changing the nature of the relationship.

I don't know what to say. Our communication seems to be the biggest problem.

Clearly if I had understood that earlier I would not be so confused with his intentions up to now. I was hostile and trying to limit my contact with him to not be mean, meaning that he probably felt no good opportunity to tell me that he had spoken with her in the first place. If it was brought back to a play-partner thing I think I would have wrapped/wrapping my head around it easier then him and her falling in love, then they both have to break it off amidst the heat of new relationship romance.

Everyone is suffering in this situation.

I am humbled and feel bad and like I have overstepped my boundaries and hurt people. He is monkey in the middle now between two hurt girls. She is sad and he knows I feel unwell.

Yikes. What a mess.

[DrunkenPorcupine]

First, I'm glad to see you still posting your thoughts and feelings out on this. I've read older threads where people pull away because they hear what they don't want to admit.

Well, he has been gone for almost a week and I am not doing so well. I come back and read this thread daily and consider it from multiple perspectives. I get very angry and do not want to talk with him for fear of my wrath spilling over onto him.

If I am unhappy I need to talk to him about it in a considerate thought out manner. I am so hurt and upset though that I find fits of anger not easy to restrain and seek to avoid contact for the most part. We had an impactful conversation when he left, but my fears/hurt/concern is that nothing is going to happen further from that conversation.

Call it what you want. Some have labeled it "psychoanalytical bullshit" and some have seen the wisdom in it. Take from it as you will.

I don't believe "anger" is an emotion. I believe it's a defense mechanism. We might feel hurt, vulnerable, scared, insecure... whatever. When we feel these things, the tendency is to deflect. Make it "his" issue, make "her" thr bad guy.

But they key issue is that you feel vulnerable, scared, <insert feelings here>.

I'm quite pleased you made this connection in writing, even if you're not yet making it in your own head.

He said to me during our discussion if I could not take it anymore that he "would do whatever I wanted" just tell him what that is.

Men and women, in my experience, communicate differently. You might have that sense of accomplishment, or achievement.... I dunno... You know when you have "the talk" and you feel that things are crystal clear?

Men don't. Or... We have that feeling. I've chatted with my wife with the understanding that I'm making what I want to happen crystal clear. To me, a feeling or an understanding is a cause for action. For her, me feeling messed up is a feeling of fear expressed. We both walk away feeling very happy that the other "brought it to the table" but it isn't until a day later that we realize we had different opinions on what that discussion means for each of us.

You likely wanted to explain how you feel and wanted him to do the same. I'm perhaps a bit of a misogynist for saying it (so be it) but I suspect he wasn't looking for how you feel but "where you wanna go from here". Action v Emotion.

He also wants to break it off slowly with her after he returns. I cannot deny him that but at the same time, why is he in LA building a relationship with someone that he is falling in love with just to break up with her in theory?

You're 100% right on that one aspect... You can't deny him what he wants. He's a free person, thinking using his own mind. But you CAN decide weither or not you'll let him get away with it in your relationship. And more specifically, you don't have a choice. You either accept it, or you reject it.

I don't wanna go into the man-woman thing, but I suspect I've said things like this myself. When I said it, it was like "I can't maintain a relationship with her if I'm not emotional and intimate and caring and respectful". What I MEANT was "There's no chance I'm getting fucked tonight if I make her mad."

I knew, in the past, that sex and "intimacy" would add a layer of complexity to "dropping" a lady I was interested in. Back when I was a manipulative bastard, I had no issues tossing it out there and hoping it stuck. Sticky situations make for really nebulous, and nut-getting, breakups.

She is demanding of his time and emotions as well, which indicates to me more of a desire for a deeper connection than just fucking. I know that is jealous-speak but I feel it honest to also state the truth of observation.

It hasn't been while I had my "poly-awakening" but I've found ladies like this extremely intriguing. I like my ego being stroked. I like feeling as if I'm the only guy in the room able to hit on a lady this fucking hot!

It's bullshit. Experience tells me it's bullshit.

When someone (she) feels that she's inadequite, her sense of self is so wrapped up on "how others see me". If he DOESN'T give her that attention, then he sees her as "another slut". HE knows if he sees her as "another slut" and she picks up on it, he'll not get laid.

They're both playing a game of Russian Roulette, without explaining the rules because they each silently assume they know them.

In my opinion I -have- made it clear where I am. Why can't he just do what's right? I feel angered that he wants me to tell him what to do. Why is that responsibility solely on me? If I have expressed this is too much for me and it is hurting us, is that not enough?

He might get what you feel. If he does, he's either not factoring it into "what now" or he's ignoring it, either one implies he's an emotive idiot.

He is still in LA with the girl. I am at a loss of even how to negotiate around not being rage-ful towards him. Every morning I write our a letter to him from scratch explaining how I feel and what I am thinking. The deal I make with myself is that if I still feel like it is a reasonable email to send by the end of the day I will. So far I have not sent one of those emails. I have even considered sending him the link to this post.

Sometimes that breaks the ice. Sometimes it makes things worse.

I've sent those links before. Sometimes, I've found it leads to development. You're sharing here what you might not share with him, in an honest environment.

I've also had them backfire. Recently, I had a private message session with someone on these forums that really helped me put things in perspective. I considered sending her the messages (with this member's permission) and decided against it. I decided to actually talk to her and it did a lot to ease tensions.

You might spill your guts to a group of internet strangers, but it's harder to explain to someone you claim to love why you can express yourself to strangers but not that person.

I have unfortunately let a couple of my texts through in anger. I am not proud of that either. They are not abusive but they do resound with hurt. I do not call him every name in the book either. I think what I feel is a lot more extreme then what I permit myself to say out loud.

Why is it you feel so belittled you can say how you FEEL?

I'm not sure even what to say now. My work performance sucks I'm not fully functional and well i'm at a loss of what to do. Additionally, what do I do/how do we fix this mess when he gets back? Am I being unreasonable?

You care about him, and you feel there's a disperportionate amount of energy and time spend on "making this work". It's not unreasonable to expect to be able to make things work.

I think it MIGHT be unreasonable of you expect him to change. Or if you expect a magical wave of the polyamory wand to make you feel "okay" abotu all of this. You feel bad. He does not. He can't change you and you can't change him. The question is really, what line has to be crossed before you feel he's disrespecting you. When that line is crossed, you'll know; it won't work out.

That's a friggin difficult line to cross. You'll know it a few weeks after you cross it. Perhaps in your next relationship, you'll shave a few days off of that time. Then perhaps a little more.

He is unavailable to speak right now, but through texting he explained to me that he broke it off with her two days after going to LA.

Lie.

Text conveys no emotion. Even emoticons fair to really convey them. Be weary of someone who claim's "it's over" by text.

If it was brought back to a play-partner thing I think I would have wrapped/wrapping my head around it easier then him and her falling in love, then they both have to break it off amidst the heat of new relationship romance.

My wife has casual sex with other men. It's part of our arrangement and it's done voluntarily with both of us.

BULL.
Fucking.
Shit.

It causes feelings for me!

We started with a "don't ask, don't tell" rule. We're still new into this whole "poly dynamic" but we're in it and I can tell you it's bull. You feel something. He feels something. Pretending that's not the case is counter-productive.

If it was brought back to a play-partner thing I think I would have wrapped/wrapping my head around it easier then him and her falling in love, then they both have to break it off amidst the heat of new relationship romance.

Everyone is suffering in this situation.

I am humbled and feel bad and like I have overstepped my boundaries and hurt people. He is monkey in the middle now between two hurt girls. She is sad and he knows I feel unwell.

Yikes. What a mess.

Please re-read this post.

I wrote it before reading everything you posted today.

If you feel it's "complicated" for him. I suspect you've not read my post about male manipulation tactics well enough. Please re-read.

[NeonKaos]

Yes, it sounds like he's pretty adept at making you feel that you and the other girl are the ones putting HIM through all of this.

The poor, poor guy. This must really suck for him.