New To Poly with Husband - Seeking Advice

[crisare]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

So you're faced with the prospect of a marriage in which your feelings and needs about being monogamous are set aside? A marriage where your very legitimate concerns are responded to with disappointment rather than consideration? Is that really the kind of marriage you want to have? Achieving happiness for one partner at the expense of the happiness of the other partner is not happiness.

Ceoli beat me to it.

Your thread title says "new to poly with husband" ... but this is not poly. This is flat out cheating. The fact that he has emotionally manipulated you into condoning the cheating doesn't make it poly.

You have taken time to express your concerns and your limits and he's shrugged them off, made you feel guilty for them, and ultimately ignored them.

I know it's easy for me to say, because I'm not emotionally involved or invested in this man, but this is not a relationship I'd want to stay in. At this point, I'd be telling him that I hoped it was going well with his new g/f, because he'll be living with her ... or anywhere else that's not with me.

[NeonKaos]

I'd be saying all what Ceoli and Crisare are saying too, but for the fact that they are doing just fine without any help from me.

Carry on.

[vampiresscammy]

*sighing with full heartache*

((((((((Big Hugs))))))) you sound so similar to the woman i love the most in this world aside from my late wifey, and it hurts my heart to know she hurts so much, I wish I could erase all your pain just like I'd take hers away

I've heard thsi all before, my general advice would be get out, leave him, but I suspect your not about to listen to that either, so, how about this? your hands are tied you love this man with all your being, and perhaps he truly does love you as best as he can, and simply doesn't know how to care for your heart as well as someone else might

heres a hopefully helpful thought, find something just for you, a new best friend, a new love, a new routine, a new hobby, let it fill up all the time when hes away, and maybe some time when he is there, let him know your not going to sit idle while he is off doing whatever he wants, keep your friends close, go spend time with them when your man is out and about, perhaps it wont really take the pain away, but it can be distracting til you find something to take your mind off it, at least stop letting him call all the shots, give yourself somehting to be happy about that doesn't involve him at all

you sound as though youve made up your mind about staying with him, i'll respect that, now, find somehting to do right this very minute, invite friends over, or go spend the holidays with them or family if their close by, just dont be alone, too much alone time is not good for anyones mind, find somehting to make you happy while he is away, you dont have to be happy for him, just be happy for you, your friends, your family, find someone to spend the holidays with and fill your mind with anythign but idle thoughts, give yourself a big hug and go do somehting totally for you NOW!

[msadams]

HI Ceoli,

Thank you for your response. We are now open to negotiating monogamy and creating space for other partners. I noticed his ongoing interest in her and decided to initiate the conversation to open up our marriage. We have been having an ongoing discussion since August and he has been seeing her on and off (as she lives in LA and we are currently in NY) since then.

This is the first relationship I have been in as an adult where I was monogamous and in a single partner relationship (I am 28 we have been together since I was 22). I feel like this is my first time with poly. Even though I have been in poly households before, but feel they are not a base model for what I am experiencing now.

I have a difficult time balancing cynicism with logic especially in matters of the heart lately. I feel like I could be ready for him to explore in the right environment. However I do not want to be overly controlling or hyper vigilant about his experience and I want to be considered and respected in the right way.

My concern is that is what I am feeling jealousy or am I being a normal human being about all of this? I'm not interested in making him out to be the bad guy and I do want to do what is ethical for both parties involved and get myself off the emotional drama roller coaster. Its really hard for me to be both intellectually reasonable and emotionally.

I hope that makes sense?

[msadams]

Hello and thank you for more responses! I will try and acquire a hobby in the interim and I really appreciate the support.

[NeonKaos]

Originally Posted by msadams

My concern is that is what I am feeling jealousy or am I being a normal human being about all of this? I'm not interested in making him out to be the bad guy and I do want to do what is ethical for both parties involved and get myself off the emotional drama roller coaster. Its really hard for me to be both intellectually reasonable and emotionally.

I hope that makes sense?

I'll take this one: Your gut is telling you what's right and you know you should listen to it. The "feeling" is that you don't want what your gut is telling you to be right.

[crisare]

Originally Posted by msadams

We are now open to negotiating monogamy and creating space for other partners. I noticed his ongoing interest in her and decided to initiate the conversation to open up our marriage.

But you see, this isn't a "negotiation" really. It's that he is going to do this thing and your choice is to accept it - or not accept it and have it happen anyway. That's not negotiation.

I feel like this is my first time with poly. Even though I have been in poly households before, but feel they are not a base model for what I am experiencing now.

Because what you're experiencing now is not, IMO, poly. It's coerced approval of cheating. It's not poly when one person's feelings, concerns, and insecurities are simply dismissed w/out discussion.

My concern is that is what I am feeling jealousy or am I being a normal human being about all of this? I'm not interested in making him out to be the bad guy and I do want to do what is ethical for both parties involved and get myself off the emotional drama roller coaster.

And what about him? Is he wanting to do what's ethical for both parties? It sounds to me as though you are pulling all the "blame" on yourself. I realize you don't want to make him out to be the "bad guy" ... but what he's doing right now is not ethical or right. It's certainly not poly as I believe poly to be.

[msadams]

hmm... I'll have to think on that. Thank you. That is sound advice.

[nikkiana]

First of all, welcome to the forum and *big hugs*. What you're grappling with is by no means easy, and while I don't really have much to add that hasn't already been said and probably better than I could say it, I wanted to offer my support and comfort.

In general, I do think it's awfully big of people to consider polyamory as an option after a breech in trust, and I commend you for trying to be open to possibilities, but truth be told, opening a relationship that has unresolved trust issues from past trangressions and isn't strongly rooted in open and honest communication isn't going to solve any problems... it's more likely going to create more problems, and more resentment and more heartache.

My heart goes out to you. I know I'm merely a stranger on the Internet, but I live in the same general area as you, so if you feel you need a friend feel free to PM me here on the forum and we can either chat online or go out for tea or something.

[msadams]

Hello. Thank you for the introduction and support. It is greatly appreciated. Its a lot to think about. I do not wish to make any hasty decisions and everything everyone has said today will rest heavily on my mind. Thank you for your time.