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  #1  
Old 12-13-2009, 05:02 PM
msadams msadams is offline
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Default New To Poly with Husband - Seeking Advice

Hello,

This is going to be a long post. First and foremost I very much appreciate you taking the time to read this. I would like to ask your opinion or thoughts on my current situation. I am open minded.

History.
Husband and myself have been together for 6 years, coming up on being married for 2 years. I am in my late 20's, he in his late 30's. We have been in poly relationships and poly households prior to our relationship, but have been monogamous with each other from the beginning.

Our Relationship.
  • We started Monogamous off camera, mutually consented to by both of us.
  • We are both on camera sex performers
  • We have been monogamous off camera for 6 years
  • Husband cheated on me night before wedding 2 years ago and has had a history of internet relationships not consensually negotiated with me.
  • We went to relationship counseling and resolved infidelity issue.
  • We had more problems. I left marriage in April of this year.
  • Went back to counseling and mended our marriage. We are back together and doing well and strong.
  • Husband started courting girl in August.
  • Husband is now seeing girl off camera.

In October we petitioned to work at a new production company and have been under extreme stress since October. Very little sleep, privacy, and emotional intimacy due to our work and temporary living conditions. I am not doing well with the new partner concept. I cry a lot. I try to do my best and keep an open mind about it, but it hurts a lot that he wants to be with someone else. With the stress of our working environment and my self esteem issues, I feel that I am very jealous, scared because of our history, and feel like he is being selfish, especially since he has decided to not be here for Christmas... but I know that he loves me.

Since we both have careers in front of the camera doing adult work, I don't have any problems with him engaging talent. He can do whatever he wants and I have no problems, hurt, or second thoughts as long as it is in front of the camera. The same goes for me when I do on camera work. We have been working in front of the camera for over 9 years.

I can't really wrap my head around off camera emotional intimacy. I don't know what that makes me. I just dropped him off at the airport so he can go be with the girl for two weeks and I just don't know what to do with myself.

Fear of loss, emotional pain, sadness, grief, resentment, anger. These are honestly the emotions I am experiencing right now. I want him to be happy and I understand that each and every relationship is in a constant state of transition. I also understand that I cannot inhibit his personal growth, but this really hurts. I don't know how to positively channel my grief and self esteem.

I understand also that he deserves the right to be happy... but at what cost to me?

Any input is appreciated.

Thank you for your time.
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  #2  
Old 12-13-2009, 05:21 PM
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DrunkenPorcupine DrunkenPorcupine is offline
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The one part here that matters to me, given the history, is if you and he discussed his courting someone else before he did it?

If not, I don't really see how what he's doing now isn't cheating. He's just not being secretive about it. Cheating is about violating the boundaries of the relationship and if it wasn't clear that you were okay with that, it's not a very caring move on his part.

If you did make it clear that you were okay, but now that it's happening you're feeling differently, my only suggestion, as simple to say and hard to do as it is, is to talk to him about it. When new people are brought into your world, it naturally causes feelings. It's important to share those with him. Perhaps he's not aware of how much Christmas means to you, perhaps he is.

And more broadly, you've got to honor yourself before you can honor relationships with other people. He has a history of cheating, and even after working out the issues, he did it again. It seems that you also feel that him loving other people means less love for you. If this really is true in your interactions with him then you need to do what's best for you. You said he deserves to be happy, but so do you.
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Old 12-13-2009, 05:35 PM
msadams msadams is offline
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Hello and thank you for your response.

That is a good question. To clarify yes, the new partner was discussed between the two of us. I expressed an open mind, but could not guarantee how I would respond other than that I would try.

I have written him my boundaries of things I am and am not comfortable with. I know that this can easily turn into he said she said... somethings however I feel are a bit insensitive. Before he left I wanted to clarify so that he did not have any false expectations that I was not comfortable having anyone live with us at this time and his response was, "that's disappointing." Which in my heart kind of hurt... maybe I am being too sensitive?

I want to please him and be a good partner. I am really friggen torn. It would be absolutely wrong of me to day "umm... can you come back home?" When he booked the flights and everything to go out there. I need to give him the freedom of exploring these next two weeks, but I question whether I can do this anymore in this situation.

No matter what, I am not going to leave him. That is straight up. He is my husband and my life partner... but this sucks.

I also fear what would happen if I asked him to not see her again. He would be really upset and I almost feel that too would be wrong and inappropriate of me.

Lots of complicated things to think about.

Thank you again.

Last edited by msadams; 12-13-2009 at 05:37 PM.
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Old 12-13-2009, 05:51 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Ms Adams, I don't have answers specific to the details of your situation, but IMO what you need to do is find something that is YOURS and YOURS alone, that has nothing to do with your husband, and cultivate that. It could be something as simple as finding a new book to sink your teeth into, or as complex as going out and starting/joining a club or charity, but you've got to work on your own self and then other aspects of your life will be put into perspective.

The thing is, it may sound simplistic, but it is not "easier said than done". You just may need to give it some time before the rewards become obvious.
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Old 12-13-2009, 05:53 PM
msadams msadams is offline
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Thank you. I appreciate the suggestion. I will work on that and see what happens. Thank you YGirl.
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Old 12-13-2009, 05:55 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by msadams View Post
Thank you. I appreciate the suggestion. I will work on that and see what happens. Thank you YGirl.
You're welcome. You must have caught me in one of my generous moods
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Old 12-13-2009, 06:22 PM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DrunkenPorcupine View Post
you've got to honor yourself before you can honor relationships with other people. He has a history of cheating, and even after working out the issues, he did it again. It seems that you also feel that him loving other people means less love for you. If this really is true in your interactions with him then you need to do what's best for you. You said he deserves to be happy, but so do you.
This.

As I read through the story, it seems that you are committed to the relationship and he isn't. You said that you've been monogomous from the beginning - I'm assuming by agreement - yet he cheated multiple times, both physically and emotionally. You went to counseling and "resolved" those. There were more problems and you left. You came back and he began to see someone else.

The tone of how he's reacted to you has been that you either allow his roving or he'll do it anyway w/out your permission/agreement. To me that's not a poly relationship. That's emotional blackmail and someone who wants what he wants regardless of what his partner wants.

IMO, this is the point where it's a really hard choice for you. You have to decide if you are willing to accept his having other relationships in what (to me) seems to be a really selfish way (and not a way I'd classify as real poly), or if you're going to draw a line in the sand and say "I've had enough of being treated like I don't matter."

FWIW, if my husband were to find a second partner and then tell me that he was spending Christmas with her and not me, I'd be FURIOUS. In our family Christmas is important. He would be welcome to invite her to spend Christmas with us, but leaving me alone for 2 weeks over the holdiday? Unacceptable.
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Old 12-13-2009, 06:26 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crisare View Post

FWIW, if my husband were to find a second partner and then tell me that he was spending Christmas with her and not me, I'd be FURIOUS. In our family Christmas is important. He would be welcome to invite her to spend Christmas with us, but leaving me alone for 2 weeks over the holdiday? Unacceptable.
Ya, I wasn't too enchanted by that either. Poly or not, being married should mean that each person has the other person's back, and if one of you should have a problem, it becomes an "our problem".
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Old 12-13-2009, 06:51 PM
msadams msadams is offline
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Thank you. In my mind I have been thinking the same thing that you mentioned. Either I allow him to do it, or he is going to anyhow. Its difficult.

That is correct. We agreed to be monogamous at the beginning of our relationship and that was laid out crystal clear.

RE: Christmas. I realized I did not clarify an important point. He is not spending Christmas with her. He is flying to our home the day before Christmas, spending Christmas at our house alone, then flying back here on the 26th.
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Old 12-13-2009, 07:01 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by msadams View Post
Thank you. In my mind I have been thinking the same thing that you mentioned. Either I allow him to do it, or he is going to anyhow. Its difficult.
So you're faced with the prospect of a marriage in which your feelings and needs about being monogamous are set aside? A marriage where your very legitimate concerns are responded to with disappointment rather than consideration? Is that really the kind of marriage you want to have? Achieving happiness for one partner at the expense of the happiness of the other partner is not happiness.
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