The third...

Shyliss

New member
I have recently found myself head over heels in love with a woman who happens to be head over heels for me. I am a lesbian, she is pansexual and is currently in a cimmitted relationship with a man. As we speak and message and see each other, I can't help but want to spend my life with her. Then I remember the part about her being polyamorous and having a life partner and I wonder how this will work for me. I want, so much, to be with her and, at this point am not afraid of the jealousy - however, I recognize that I am the one she is wooing and paying attention to right now. What happens when I have to share that attention... Just wanted to be here with people who don't judge me for my choices. Thoughts? Recommended readings? Advice? All welcome. Thank you.
 
I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm mono, but I've been in a relationship with someone before who was poly.
One key to allowing yourself to feel comfortable with "sharing" is to realize that a person isn't property, and honestly, your partner is far ahead of many people who claim to be polyamorous because she was forthright with you.
Another issue that arises is when the two partners she has dislike each other, or don't spend time together. It's easier to tell yourself she's with one of your friends than to be angry because she's run off to "the other one" again.
Have you spoken to her OSO yet? It might help to ease some of the tension you've been feeling... break the ice. As long as he knows and is fine with it, I think you guys could have a good road ahead of you.
I'm not saying it will be easy- I've been there and broken up for various reasons- but even as someone who is mono I can understand the good that comes from having multiple loves.
Honesty and communication are going to be key. Between her and you, her and him, and him and you.
There are some good books that can help as well- such as "Opening Up" and "The Ethical Slut." They really assisted me in letting go of some of my fears and jealousy in the past. Good luck!
 
Welcome!

I would say the most important thing to establish at the start is whether she sees her relationship with her man as the only long-term life-partnership she ever wants, in which case all other relationships would be "secondary" (sounds bad, but can be a totally lovely way to share intimacy with someone even though you're not sharing a life), or whether she's open to the idea that she could some day have two life-partners (aka "primaries"). I think knowing what the possibilities are will probably make you feel less adrift.

Regardless of her answer (and she may just reject the terminology entirely, as some people do, so I would recommend using something like the phrasings I employed above rather than the shorthand terms of primary/secondary, since the concepts have value as disscusion points whether or not you like the terms), chances are very very good that you're going to be secondary at this point in the relationship -- her long-term partner will come first. After all, terms aside, who would meet someone new and immediately treat them just the same as their life partner?

Being in a secondary relationship with someone who has a primary when you don't have one of your own can be disconcerting and leave a person prone to insecurity. You may feel like you don't know where you stand. Remember, if you're confused about how she sees something, or what's "allowed" you can always just ask. If your gf is loving and supportive and you're actively examining your feelings and talking as you go along, it will just get easier and easier. I highly recommend everything on this website, but the essays under this heading may be particularly useful: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyconfigurations.html

Eventually you will want to figure out if you want another partner (or two or more!) of your own or, if she can give you enough to make it worthwhile, if you only want to be with her. Many people make such a relationship work, where one person is polyamorous and the other is monogamous (poly/mono). It's up to you to make that call but it by no means has to be made right away (nor is it immutable for that matter)... some people find having multiple new relationships in the establishment-phase to be too much to handle anyway, so it may not be an issue for some time regardless.

Getting to know her man at some point will probably be a big help. Assuming he's a cool guy, seeing him as a person rather than as a mystery or a rival will help head off jealousy. You guys could even potentially develop a great friendship some day -- after all, since you share the same woman, you'll always have a topic of conversation ("does she do that annoying huffy thing with you when she's losing an argument too?" "wanna go in on a birthday gift together this year?").

Good luck!! Hope you stick around and keep us updated with your story. :)
 
Last edited:
thanks. the best part is that we are completely honest and communicate openly without fear of judgement.

I am not sure what OSO means... I assume it is the man she is with. He knows about me and has been very supportive of her pursuing a relationship with me. We have not met yet, but will next Friday. I am nervous but I hope that ... well, I hope I don't freak out.
 
Originally started to tack this on as an edit to my post above, decided to give it its own post instead:


Oh also, regarding your worry about what it will be like when/if she's wooing someone new, you can always ask her if she intends to continue to be open to new loves in the future, and how she handles splitting time and attention between old partners and new ones. Some people do get caught up in "NRE" (new relationship energy) which can leave their old partners feeling neglected. If that ever happens, you just need to speak up for yourself and make sure you're still getting the love, time and attention you need to feel cared for. It will probably involve a lot of discussions of how you each show and want to receive love, what your needs are, and juggling of schedules. Poly can be absolutely wonderful but it's not ideal for people who need everything to be neat and simple or for people who don't like to talk things out. Of course, that makes it ideal for lesbians, who are notorious for talking everything into the ground. :D

OSO = other significant other
 
that made me laugh! and, yes, i am a typical lesbian that way... into the earth's core!!!

sometimes i like neat and simple but my world has been opened up by her and now i feel like anything is possible and, even beautiful!
 
In the words of a member of the queer women's cabaret I sometimes hang with: "we are processing the progress of our programs and programming the progress of our process..."
 
Well, tomorrow I meet my girlfriend's partner. I am freaking out but trying to keep my cool. We are meeting at a staff social (oh, did I mention that my gf and I work together - complicates things a little). I am not sure if that is such a good idea or not, with everyone around and no one knowing anything.

I am a little worried that I am going to feel strange ... she has mentioned that she wants to look sexy for me... but she will be on a date with him. I am still trying to figure out how that will work.

Sunday I will be meeting her best friend and am hoping she will meet my friends next week. But then I worry that we should get through tomorrow before we talk future stuff...

So. I suppose that I will keep you all updated. Thanks for the support!
 
Being a mono with a poly partner is a little like the image of Peter Pan flying carefree over Never Never Land hand-in-hand with Wendy. Your heart is filled with that child like joy of being with someone who is the focus of your world and you feel like that to them. Then you feel their hand slip from yours and you look back to see them soaring with someone else with that same look in their eyes.

Realizing that they are actually still holding your hand is the hardest part to accept. That is where you'll find out if the relationship is worth it.
 
things are not good...

to fill you all in... i met my gf's partner at our staff social and the meeting was awkward and badly timed (my gf had a migraine and had to leave early). Then I spent some time with my gf, her daughter and her partner at her house. It was strange but comfortable.

But now... now things are not good with my gf and her partner and she has completely cut me out. She said she needs a break from everything and everyone... but I am the only one really affected (because her family live with her and get to see her). She is giving me mixed signals about wanting me around or not.

I just don't know what to do. I think that her partner has a problem with her 'courting' me but is making it about something else. I am trying to be understanding. but i feel hurt and alone. I am so scared that, after this 'break' we will not come back. I suppose I knew that my relationship was not the priority and i should/will accept whatever she decides to do. but in the meantime i am hurt and lost and worried.

Just needed to get it out of my head...
 
I'm sorry, Shy. :( Can she articulate better for you what's going on and why she needs to withdraw? Can she give you any sort of guess at a timeline? Leaving someone hanging like that isn't so cool...

Have either of them had a poly relationship before or was this their first real try? Sometimes the feelings this all brings up can really surprise people.

Try to keep from pining away, go out and do things, do your best to actually give her her space once she feel like you've gotten the best understanding she can give you of what's really going on.
 
i have respected her space... until last night -sent a short but supportive email. . . which she responded to and I now find myself feeling almost angry. i am doing my best not to think about it, but it hurts. i am of the mind that you should rely on people you love when you are struggling, not cut them off. i also worry that i have given away all of my power, but just waiting until she decides she is ready to come back.

she told me that she was cutting off the world - everyone... but then i got a message from her partner last night - which indicated that they had been talking. how do i not take that personally?

this is not their first try at this. it is mine!!

time to get up and find something to do... thank you for your support!
 
I can empathize with how you feel Shyliss, its hard to sit on your hands while you feel like there is work that you could be doing. Keep at it, this is part of it. People process at different paces and just because its very quiet and seems like nothing is happening, it is likely that there is TONS happening for them.

Just because you don't hear about it doesn't mean it isn't being processed. I like to know what is going every step of the way also, but I have to respect that the people I love have different relationships with their other partners and that they need to do it their way. I need to respect that and stand back.

It will likely unravel with time. I think its great to keep sending short emails every once in awhile expressing how you feel in terms of being concerned, wondering if they could let you know how its going when they are ready, expressing support and encouragement and that you will wait until they are ready.

Other than that the idea of keeping busy, getting about life and distracting with other important tasks, events and people in your life is a good one I think.

If its any conselation I have been waiting for over a month to hear what my non-sexual boyfriends wife thinks about me kissing him. *sigh. ya, shit takes time :(:p I doubt it will come up again until after Christmas at this point. Always a reason to not talk to her about it.
 
Communication

How can you not take it personally, I can tell you how.....obviously she still has strong feelings for you, hence the 'I am cutting off the world' reaction, however if I had to venture a guess, the two of them were not communicating and someone or both of them are doing knee-jerk reactions.
 
How new is this relationship between you and this woman? I just have a sense that you are in the throes of NRE (New Relationship Energy) and being tossed around a bit by the excitement and newness of it all, so her putting the brakes on seems much more dramatic and feels more of a slap because of that. Do whatever you can to get your feet back on level ground, breathe, and try to step out of the emotions to see things with a bit more objectivity, if you can.
 
Back
Top