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Old 11-22-2011, 05:57 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,487

You Are telling her she's not the "one". Theoretically she could be one ish or one of several. What do you think the perfect fraction would be 0.75 or would you like a 50/50 split. How that all fits is up to the individuals but she's going to have to come to terms with not being the "one and only".
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Old 11-22-2011, 09:42 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264

Hi Savage,
Your story is much like mine, and I think you are on the right track, by telling your wife how you feel and then giving her time to digest while you remain focused on her and on your growing family for a while. I told my husband about a year and a half ago about my feelings for a friend of ours, and that I did not intend to do anything about it. We have seen him off and on since then, sometimes as a family and sometimes just me, and my husband has grown used to the idea that my loving him hasn't taken anything away from our marriage, or threatened what my husband and I have between us, and he has developed a lot of trust in the other man.

Recently, I felt a lot more pain not being able to have a more full relationship with him, and with another man I fell for this spring, and I asked my husband to loosen the boundaries of our marriage. It wasn't out of the blue, since he already knew I had this in my nature. Things got ugly (you could follow my thread if you like) but then we came to a much better understanding of each other, and now he is fine with me being more involved with both men -just not sex or overnights, and he doesn't want to hear about it.

You have planted the seed in your wife's mind, and now by showing her for several months what a devoted, loving, supportive husband and father you are, if your heart still aches for A (or anyone) a year or so from now, it may be an easier conversation to have. I would hope you and A could have a casual friendship in the meantime, and that she and Z could get to know each other bit by bit.

I wish you the best!
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Old 11-22-2011, 10:26 PM
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Carma Carma is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Ohio
Posts: 478


Admirable. I'm impressed that you were honest and upfront with your wife, and that having the hard talk lead you to some deeper intimacy with her. Instead of crossing a line and having to clean up the mess, which sometimes just isn't that easy, if even possible at all. Honesty rules! Thanks for showing us another fine example!

Just a word of caution -- if you think porn is the easy answer, I'd do some research. It does have its effects on intimacy in a marriage. There are some recent studies showing this. I know there are others here on the forum with different opinions on porn (actually there is a great thread if you do a search) and I am confused, myself. But you owe it to yourself, your wife, and your little family to educate yourself on the possible effects. It sounds like you're into that sort of thing.

BEST wishes.
Formerly married to Sundance
Boyfriend -- Butch Cassidy
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Old 04-20-2012, 02:35 PM
Savage Savage is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 9
Default Update

Hi all, just thought I'd drop by and give an update as to how things are going.
Since my last discussion with Z I have been on a roller coaster ride of emotional stress.
My wife only has 6 weeks now until our baby is born and I am filled with excitement, the bump is massive and the baby is kicking strongly now. Z is coping well and is still working hard although she is now on 4 day weeks which should help. I don't know where she gets her stamina from!

Since our discussion there has been no mention of polyamory but I don't really expect her to want to talk about it.
I have had no sex for months now and it's taking it's toll, I have been feeling all sorts of emotions regarding my relationship as all intemacy seemed to fade away.
I didn't want to put any stress on my buisy pregnant wife so I bottled up my emotions and frustration, that was a bad path to go down but I felt it was the only way to prevent her from emotional stress.
Things got pretty bad as I started to feel more and more resentment, frustration and isolation from lack of intemacy.
Then something terrible happened, a very close friend of ours passed away, we both took it hard but I guess I became distant.
I would not reach out for cuddles or make any effort to be close to Z, I wanted her to come to me, I wanted to feel loved and desired but instead Z thought I was depressed from the loss of our friend and thought it best to give me some time and space.
So with communication all screwed up things weren't going well.
I would lie in bed at night unable to sleep, frustrated, trying think of a way out.

One day she asked me if I was happy and I said no I was in a mess and we should talk so we went to bed and I explained how I was feeling, I told her I had stopped trying it on in bed as constant rejection was frustrating and then that lead to a lack of intemacy in the relationship and that it was grinding me down.
We reassured each other that we love each other, I understand that Z works hard at work and at home and it must be difficult, which is why I try and keep my desires and frustration to myself.
It was all very emotional and I think she understands how I feel. We did not mention polyamory in any way as I need to rescue my marriage before I go there.
Speaking of which, I find myself having feelings for another who I shal refer to as I. We are friends at work and I can't stop thinking about her. This is just making it harder for me as I can't do anything about it. I am even starting to have dreams about her!

Since our latest discussion there still has been no sex, I have been a bit more receptive to Z kisses and cuddles as I try and breath a bit of intamcey back into the relationship.
The thought of months more without sex is depressing, especially as I am drawn to I. Porn is like Prozac, it helps eliveate the symptom but doesn't cure the problem.
It's flipping hard work but I am hanging in there, trying not to let my feelings for I get out of hand but I can't help how I feel.

I hope our marriage is not over, I love my wife and child so I guess it has a good chance if I can hold it down.

We have an amazing time ahead and I am sure things will get better.

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kids, lessons, pace, pregnant

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