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  #91  
Old 12-30-2009, 06:48 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
I'm okay with a partner having veto power before the relationship starts- I wouldn't want to share a partner with someone I didn't like, or someone who was bat shit crazy. So, I can understand wanting to discuss it, ask questions, go over STD status/safe sex guidelines, etc, and I can understand the non-involved person being more practical and thoughtful about it than the 2 people who are looking at each other all googly-eyed.
If my prospective partner needed veto power from another partner in order to ensure good judgements on his or her behalf, I wouldn't trust their judgement enough to get involved with them in the first place.
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  #92  
Old 12-30-2009, 07:01 AM
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If my prospective partner needed veto power from another partner in order to ensure good judgements on his or her behalf, I wouldn't trust their judgement enough to get involved with them in the first place.
Perfectly stated.
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  #93  
Old 12-30-2009, 07:13 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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If my prospective partner needed veto power from another partner in order to ensure good judgements on his or her behalf, I wouldn't trust their judgement enough to get involved with them in the first place.
It's not just a matter of good judgement- if this new person is going to be spending time in their house, give them access to Google calender (and vice-versa), and generally involved in their lives, then yes, it's important that everyone be able to tolerate each other.

Otherwise, if the primary just can't stand being around the new person for personality reasons (not that the new person is a bad partner, just they don't click, wouldn't want to hang out together, grate on each other's nerves) then that would limit the relationship to the extent that I'd probably rather not bother.
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  #94  
Old 12-30-2009, 07:24 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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It's not just a matter of good judgement- if this new person is going to be spending time in their house, give them access to Google calender (and vice-versa), and generally involved in their lives, then yes, it's important that everyone be able to tolerate each other.

Otherwise, if the primary just can't stand being around the new person for personality reasons (not that the new person is a bad partner, just they don't click, wouldn't want to hang out together, grate on each other's nerves) then that would limit the relationship to the extent that I'd probably rather not bother.
I just don't see veto power as a necessary thing to create conditions that prevent such things from happening. All of that can be handled with discussion and communication. I think veto power gets even messier when you start to have to veto your partner's feelings for another person because you don't get along with the other partner. If there's an issue of my partner choosing other partners that I don't get along with, then that's something that needs to be dealt with. I don't see vetoing such a relationship as effectively dealing with the issue. Again, it comes down to trusting that my partner will make the right choices to honor everyone involved. I'm not going to dictate how my partner should act or not act on their feelings. I'll provide input and discuss my concerns, but I would never want to be the one to make the decision for my partner.
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  #95  
Old 12-30-2009, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
It's not just a matter of good judgement- if this new person is going to be spending time in their house, give them access to Google calender (and vice-versa), and generally involved in their lives, then yes, it's important that everyone be able to tolerate each other.

Otherwise, if the primary just can't stand being around the new person for personality reasons (not that the new person is a bad partner, just they don't click, wouldn't want to hang out together, grate on each other's nerves) then that would limit the relationship to the extent that I'd probably rather not bother.

I can tell some values differ here. My preference is non-hierarchical. Next it is not necessary for my loves to be chums. Logically I cannot expect each of my loves to have the same tastes in people I do.

I can see where this might matter in making the decision for all involved to live under the same roof but not beyond that. Otherwise they don't have to see each other regularly if they do not wish to. A poly relationship consists of fully realized sets. And hopefully fully realized people.

~Raven~
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  #96  
Old 12-30-2009, 11:16 PM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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I guess I was going on the assumption that primary partners live together, and that thus the secondary partner would either end up spending some time around the primary, or schedules would have to be manipulated specifically to avoid them having to be around each other.

So, I'd prefer being vetoed before things got involved than try to have a relationship with someone whose wife couldn't stand being around me.

I don't really have much opinion on vetoes either way- I've heard about people who would just ignore their partner's vetoes while vetoing anyone their partner was interested, and I've heard of people sabotaging their partner's secondary relationship without using a veto. I've been in a situation where his wife was obviously uncomfortable with my relationship with him, so I ended the aspects of it that made her uncomfortable, intending it to be a temporary thing until she worked through her feelings and they resolved some issues, and eventually it became clear to me that she wasn't going to be comfortable with me having a sexual relationship with him under any conditions that would work for me. It would have been much less painful if she'd just vetoed me to begin with, but at least I learned form the experience.
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  #97  
Old 12-31-2009, 12:19 AM
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Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
I guess I was going on the assumption that primary partners live together, and that thus the secondary partner would either end up spending some time around the primary, or schedules would have to be manipulated specifically to avoid them having to be around each other. ]
Though I don't subscribe to the hierarchical model of primary,secondary,tertiary etc, I have encountered other poly people who do, yet cohabitation was not a characteristic inherent to their primary relationships.

It's interesting how varied polyamorous people can be even in this.


Quote:
Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
So, I'd prefer being vetoed before things got involved than try to have a relationship with someone whose wife couldn't stand being around me.

I don't really have much opinion on vetoes either way- I've heard about people who would just ignore their partner's vetoes while vetoing anyone their partner was interested, and I've heard of people sabotaging their partner's secondary relationship without using a veto. I've been in a situation where his wife was obviously uncomfortable with my relationship with him, so I ended the aspects of it that made her uncomfortable, intending it to be a temporary thing until she worked through her feelings and they resolved some issues, and eventually it became clear to me that she wasn't going to be comfortable with me having a sexual relationship with him under any conditions that would work for me. It would have been much less painful if she'd just vetoed me to begin with, but at least I learned form the experience.
You did say you learned from that experience and based on the signs were able to make a decision.

I guess it comes down to personal preference whether to deal with uncomfortable emotions and situations, learning, gaining skills and growing from the experience or avoid such situations and place relationship decisions in the hands of others.

~Raven~
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~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love.
Play the game.
Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~
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  #98  
Old 12-31-2009, 01:41 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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You did say you learned from that experience and based on the signs were able to make a decision.

I guess it comes down to personal preference whether to deal with uncomfortable emotions and situations, learning, gaining skills and growing from the experience or avoid such situations and place relationship decisions in the hands of others.

~Raven~
Yes, I learned from my mistakes, which means I won't do that again.

Thinking back, the big mistake was that he started getting physical before we'd actually talked about the possibility of having a sexual relationship...So, by the time I got the chance to sit down and talk to both of them about it, I was having a hard time thinking about anything other than how I wanted to get naked with him ASAP, and if she'd said "You can screw my husband, but only outside in January on a snowbank when it's -10, and you both have to be wearing Jayne hats.", I would have been okay with that.

I'm not sure why she didn't object at that point, because I did tell her I tend to get emotionally involved, and that it was even more likely since I was already so close to him- and I thought she knew that I'd been interested in him for a long time, since there'd been that time a couple years before that she, I and a friend who'd also had sex with him were all hanging out, and I'd asked them really detailed questions about what he was like in bed- but she later pointed out that while we were having that conversation, she was getting an incredible back rub from the friend's boyfriend, so she wasn't exactly thinking straight herself.

So, what we should have done was all go out to Perkins and talked about it in detail when no one's back or front was being rubbed.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 12-31-2009 at 04:43 PM. Reason: quote formatting
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  #99  
Old 12-31-2009, 02:38 AM
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Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
[COLOR="RoyalBlue"]I'm not sure why she didn't object at that point, because I did tell her I tend to get emotionally involved, and that it was even more likely since I was already so close to him- and I thought she knew that I'd been interested in him for a long time, since there'd been that time a couple years before that she, I and a friend who'd also had sex with him were all hanging out, and I'd asked them really detailed questions about what he was like in bed- but she later pointed out that while we were having that conversation, she was getting an incredible back rub from the friend's boyfriend, so she wasn't exactly thinking straight herself.

So, what we should have done was all go out to Perkins and talked about it in detail when no one's back or front was being rubbed.
It sounds like she made a decision and then had second thoughts. "I wasn't thinking clearly" statements are suspect. But I'm sorry you had a painful experience.

~Raven~
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~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
It's so easy. All you have to do is fall in love.
Play the game.
Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~
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  #100  
Old 12-31-2009, 03:27 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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It sounds like she made a decision and then had second thoughts. "I wasn't thinking clearly" statements are suspect. But I'm sorry you had a painful experience.

~Raven~
I think they figured that since my ex had just left me, that I was on the rebound, and it'd just be friendly fun, and that when some time had passed and I was emotionally ready for a real relationship, I'd find some nice guy, fall in love, and be all coupled up, and everyone would be happy.

Shortly after I offered to take a break from him, I did meet a nice guy who is in a poly relationship that works much better with my rules, which made the first couple feel better, as if having one relationship that is going well erased all the pain from the one that ended.
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