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  #1  
Old 12-07-2011, 01:27 PM
themonohub themonohub is offline
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hello everyone, well all in all i am new to this polyamorous stuff and the site. i'm a 24 yo married guy and been with my wife for 4-5years and married one. we have children together and things are good. we are just like any other young married couple...well, sort of...

how i got here is because of my wife. i am a mono husband and always will be. i'm happy with just one partner and it works for me. honestly, i find more than one partner to be a bit complicated and draining. i can only give myself to one person and my children.

this started about a year ago with my wife. one day she asked me how i would feel if she had a relationship with a guy, sexual in nature. she even brought up a threesome with another male involved. after some talking about if for some time, i agreed. with boundries set she ventured to find a guy. i was a bit apprehensive of the idea and was unsure what i let her do. i had some jealously issues attached as she talked with other men. after many failed attemps with some, she met a guy. she grew attached to him waaaaay too fast and it blew up in her face. she admitted she liked him and wanted more than just sex. she then backed off of the idea for a while. i was relieved as you may guess.

after about 8 months passed she brought up the subject again. we talked some more and discussed it. i had no idea that she already had a guy in her sight. she brought him up one day. we talked and she said he was cute and all this other stuff and she wanted to approach him. i told her it was fine and to just go for it. she seen him one day and gave him her number. that night they talked and from there they hit it off. of course i thought it would be more like a sexual thing.

then recently she brought up that she actually wants a secondary relationship. that she really has been wanting that for over a year or two now. i of course was shocked and a bit set back by this. i thought she just wanted to have sex with a guy or even a threesome. i didn't know what to think of this.

she said she is happy with us and being married. she wouldn't change it for anything. but for the last year or two she has been wanting more. more being a second man in her life. how she would feel more complete if she had this. with me being how i am (mono) i was like, "wow" "really?".

now she has been dating this guy going on 2 months and she tells me it's going great. he is a nice guy and they can talk for hours. she says they have such a connection as he feels the same with her. she thinks this could lead to love. my reaction to this was, "ok?". confusion setting in, i thought you loved me? well she does but says she wants to love someone else too.

now recently they have slept together for the first time. this actually brought them closer and wanting to be with eachother more. she also mentioned he is 11--12 years older than her. of course this shocked me a bit.

i'm generally not a jealous person. my wife is very attractive and is constantly getting looks from men as well as women while we are out. so i usually take it as a compliment when i see a guy stare at her. but with her and the guy she is dating...

how do i keep myself from being jealous and having it consume me?

i noticed she has been a happier person since seeing him. so in turn that makes me happy. that's all i really want. but still...i do worry on how this will affect us.

she thinks this will make us a stronger couple, will it?

i'm ok with her and this relationship she has with him. i'm honestly ok with it and all. but will his age play a factor?

i just have so many questions and thoughts running in my head right now. lol damn...all i can do is laugh...

thanks for reading.
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  #2  
Old 12-07-2011, 03:35 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Poly can indeed make a couple stronger but only IF there is lots of communication and consideration happening. She says she'd been feeling like she wanted a secondary relationship for a year or two but you thought she was only after sex. Why didn't she bring that up during any of your conversations about poly?? She needs to commit to not blindsiding you in the future. Dealing with jealousy is MUCH easier if you feel like you are being included and given time to process.

That touches on communication. The other big piece of the puzzle is consideration. She needs to realize that while for her this is all sunshine and roses, for you it is very different, and you have given her a huge gift by caring more about her happiness than about asking her to stay mono even though the latter would probably be more comfortable for you.

So, what does that mean on a practical level... well, is she investing in your marriage, making sure that you get as much energy, fun, and excitement as the new guy and then some to help show you that what she is telling you is true, that she is not replacing you? If he and she are going on dates, do you and she also go on dates? Who watches the kids when she and he are together? If you are stuck as the babysitter all the time, resentment will develop. Will she agree to watch the kids while you go out and do something fun that's just for you?

Meeting the guy may help. Many people find that having a cordial relationship with their partner's partner, or even a friendship, helps do away with some aspects of jealousy. Also, if you grow to like and trust him, *he* could help ensure that your marriage stays strong by watching the kids while you and she go out on a date. I know that probably sounds kinda out there right now, but in the best relationships of this kind everyone respects everyone else's relationships and puts effort into helping them work.

As for resources to help you pick apart your jealousy and manage it better so that it doesn't eat you up, check out the section on jealousy and insecurity at www.morethantwo.com

Also, for the record, since you're all adults I don't see his age as a factor.

And one more thing actually. She should do some reading on NRE (new relationship energy). It's the mix of chemicals and excitement that make you go crazy over a new partner and sometimes act irrationally. It sounds like that's what may have happened in her other relationship. If you understand it, it's much easier to control it and not fall so far so fast that you do dumb things.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-07-2011 at 03:39 PM.
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Old 12-07-2011, 04:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post


Meeting the guy may help. Many people find that having a cordial relationship with their partner's partner, or even a friendship, helps do away with some aspects of jealousy...

Also, for the record, since you're all adults I don't see his age as a factor.
I just wanted to second those points.
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Old 12-07-2011, 07:29 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Originally Posted by themonohub View Post
..

how do i keep myself from being jealous and having it consume me?

she thinks this will make us a stronger couple, will it?
Are you feeling jealousy now or during these last 2 months? If so how much ...if that really quantifiable. Is it getting worse hence the reason for the post or are you just planning ahead for some future attack?

The idea of this making couples stronger is a possibility but the mono/poly dynamic is a different animal and tough one so I wouldn't bank on that...survival should be the goal. A plane crash in the Andies could make your relationship stronger too ...downside is it could kill you. Unfortunately the same is true here....this could kill your marriage. This is where the law of unintended consequences goes to get drunk and party.

good luck to you D
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Old 12-07-2011, 08:29 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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this could kill your marriage.
Dinged, that isnt helpful.

Quote:
This is where the law of unintended consequences goes to get drunk and party.
i dont even know what that means.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37

Last edited by Magdlyn; 12-07-2011 at 08:58 PM.
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Old 12-07-2011, 08:37 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Sex with a prostitute is nothing like polyAMOROUS sex anyway.
Wrong thread maybe?
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Old 12-07-2011, 08:58 PM
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Oops! Sorry! lol Scratch that.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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Old 12-07-2011, 10:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
The idea of this making couples stronger is a possibility but the mono/poly dynamic is a different animal and tough one so I wouldn't bank on that...survival should be the goal. ....this could kill your marriage. D
I know that your journey has been ... rough to say the least, Dingedheart. But don't lump all and everyone together. As a word of encouragement: It (maybe strangely ) works for me and my men. They are both mono and ok with the situation. And it really gave positive input for the marriage and changed some things for the better. We became closer just because we decided to accept everything about the now changed person, that has been our partner since some years ago. People change constantly. You will gain something from this situation if you are able to work with this knowledge.

And I have to second Annabel as well: to know who is this subject of the root of your jealousy will certainly help you to deal with it and to recognize where your problems are located. The 'unknown' tends to appear twice as big as it really is.

Good luck to you.
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Old 12-07-2011, 10:52 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I know that your journey has been ... rough to say the least, Dingedheart. But don't lump all and everyone together.
I do believe that Dingeheart was simply stating the need for caution and care. The journey will NOT be all sunshine and roses, there will be struggles that need to dealt with. It would be extremely unwise to not pay attention to red flags, just because his wife said it would "strengthen their marriage".
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:59 AM
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hey there themonhub. You are in a great place to talk about monogamous and poly relationships co-existing together. There are many that have written here about similar stories to yours. I do hope you have a look around here and find other threads to read as they might help. A search in the tags (go to the search engine on the toolbar) will bring up the tag "mono/poly" there are a lot of threads there. You might want to search out "jealousy" too.

I think that it must be very hard for mono partners to understand all this stuff about loving more than one. I really feel for mono folks when this comes up. Really there is nothing that a poly person can do to explain or change themselves, its all a work in processing what works for the two of you. For now it seems you can trust her in her statements, but I would guess that she is not giving you or able to give you the full ramifications of how she feels right now. Its confusing, breath taking and overwhelming to find yourself married and madly in love with someone else as much as you are with your spouse, only differently.

Be patient and keep talking about how you feel. Ask her how she feels and keep walking through that jealousy. Its really usually just another word for fear of losing her and everything you know, feeling threatened about another man loving your wife and she loving him and feelings of not being good enough, not getting enough time and not feeling as loved.
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