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  #11  
Old 11-17-2011, 05:24 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Gort,

There are layers and layers of coming out. For instance, I am open about my non-monogamy with friends, but not with coworkers or family. I'm open with the world about my queerness but that has gotten to the point (at least where I live and work) where being LBGT is often less threatening and non-traditional than ethical non-monogamy or poly. I may get to the point where I tell my parents but that day is some time off. I'm still getting comfortable. And it's ok to take the time to get comfortable. Coming out - in all its layers - is a multi-stage process that takes lots of time. It is also not a process that one has to 'complete' - i.e. tell everyone all everything all the time - in order to be healthy and productive. There's no coming out trophy at the 'end'. (Although that would be awesome! I would want something glittery.)

I understand your girlfriend's reluctance, especially about her work situation. A police work environment is often a conservative one.

I suggest that you thinking about coming out as a process that will last the rest of your life (and it will-believe me) instead of an event that happens a few times and then you are done.
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  #12  
Old 11-17-2011, 07:31 PM
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Try doing a search in the tags for "nre" and "dadt" there is lots there that will quickly give you the idea.
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  #13  
Old 11-20-2011, 09:14 AM
gort gort is offline
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Thanks Opal and everybody.

I'll give Us some time to figure out Us before having to deal with the world at large.

We took a huge risk in getting together. In being more than friends. I risked not being able to ever see her again in any capacity if this went badly. That would have been devistating. She risked a marriage with a man she loves. Even though he claims to have been born without the jealosy gene.... one is never quite sure.

The Big Talk was by far one of the most terrifying things I've ever done. Me and her cried a lot. Husband was serene. He tried to read the Rabbit Warren or whatever he dragged off the internet. We went way off script.

But it was clear we did love each other, and in the end it went fine. Damnit if I knew just how hard it was to bug him i'd have done this earlier!

And she would have never tried secret affair. And I wouldn't have either.

Some things are the same, and somethings are different. The "I love yous" are new, and by far the best part of the deal. I can't claim that things are perfect in as much as there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and there are no perfect people. Logistics are a bit tough. I don't get to spend near as much time with her as I would like.

Still... no fights of significance, so far (knock on wood). And having her as a girlfriend is worlds better than living the Confirmed Batchelor life.
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  #14  
Old 11-20-2011, 02:19 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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This is so sweet! You've landed on your feet, my friend. Yay for her non-jealous husband and finally requited love!
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  #15  
Old 11-20-2011, 04:53 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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So awesome that her husband is so chill.

Since, at least logistically (living situation, out-ness), you are in the role of the secondary partner for now, you may find some guidance in these essays: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
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  #16  
Old 11-20-2011, 06:38 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gort View Post
And if you can't tell the sibs. Then how are you to tell the rest?
Actually, it's usually much easier telling your friends than telling your family. The basic reason being, you choose your friends but you don't choose your family. Most unconventional, open-minded people choose friends who are also unconventional and open-minded. And if you tell your friends and they turn on you, then they weren't really your friends and you get to see their true colours. But you can't say that about family: they really are your family, regardless of what they think of you.
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  #17  
Old 11-20-2011, 07:14 PM
gort gort is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
So awesome that her husband is so chill.

Since, at least logistically (living situation, out-ness), you are in the role of the secondary partner for now, you may find some guidance in these essays: http://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html
We actually discussed the word secondary. I don't like it. The whole primary/secondary structure kinda grates on me.

I'm important and respected in my own right. As I respect their relationship I expect mine to be respected too.

And so help me god if it were legal I'd marry her too.

Changing the living situation is quite a ways in the future. If it's going to happen. And a walk of about a block and a half isn't exactly inconvenient.

Integration into the family will probably be a drawn out process dependent on a lot of things.

It would happen sometime after outedness.
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  #18  
Old 11-21-2011, 10:33 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gort View Post
We actually discussed the word secondary. I don't like it. The whole primary/secondary structure kinda grates on me.

I'm important and respected in my own right. As I respect their relationship I expect mine to be respected too.

And so help me god if it were legal I'd marry her too.
We've had many discussions here about the term secondary. Many people do not like it, you're not alone. But the term isn't meant to describe depth of love or feelings or commitment. It's usually meant to convey who lives with whom, who shares finances, shares kids (biologically), shares childcare equally, who gets to go to the family functions or office work parties, who takes vacations with whom, who picks up the milk and toilet paper, who cooks, who calls the doctor when one of the kids is sick, etc. Quite often a secondary can become a 2nd primary once NRE wears off and practical situations are dealt with.

Until you are more integrated into your love's family life, and out to at least a few people, you are technically a secondary.
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  #19  
Old 11-21-2011, 05:55 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Thanks for sharing this sweet story.

As for "coming out" in public, it sounds to me like the real issue is that you want the world to finally recognize that you are NOT gay or asexual.

So I'm thinking it has more to do with you and your own issues rather than your new & unconventional relationship.

It sounds like you've been uncomfortable with yourself for a long time and are finally finding yourself for the first time.

That's great!

But it doesn't mean that you need to pressure your girlfriend to go public immediately. With her work environment (which sounds like it overlaps your neighborhood / immediate living vicinity pretty closely), she has legitimate reasons to keep this in the closet.

I understand the urge to tell everyone that you're finally dating someone and in love. Maybe you could tell your own friends and family, but NOT people in your girlfriend's life (her friends & family)? At least for now.

And please don't feel that your girlfriend's reluctance to go public is a sign that she lacks love for you. Focus on understanding that YOUR need to be public is about YOU.
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