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  #51  
Old 03-20-2010, 08:39 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
it takes a person who can be healthy alone to be healthy enough for a romantic relationship.
I agree with this in many ways. I am much more capable to love completely since I found solace in being alone. True healthy companionship is a reward for finding peace alone as opposed to being a requirement to be healthy for me.
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  #52  
Old 03-21-2010, 02:05 PM
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A person who has never been single is a big red flag for me. In my experience, it takes a person who can be healthy alone to be healthy enough for a romantic relationship.
Amen, amen and AMEN!

I've lost track of the times I've been in chat rooms where people have recently broken up with a s/o and are at a loss as to what to do with themselves because they've forgotten how to live by themselves, how to love themselves, how to validate themselves without having someone else do it for them.

My longest lasting relationships, except for the current one, were with men who left Momma's apron strings (in one case Uncle's apron strings) and had absolutely NO clue how to interact without a chaperon, how to cook, how to spend time with themselves and actually enjoy it, how to do anything really other than ask for ME to get/do whatever for them!

Yes, thinking about it, someone who enjoys spending time by/with themselves as much as they enjoy spending time with friends and family is a MUST!
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  #53  
Old 03-22-2010, 01:33 AM
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Originally Posted by saudade View Post
The biggest tip-off for me that there's a problem is the relationship being really stuck on the same ground, which is a problem for one person and not the others, with no evidence that the stuck person is working on being stuck, or cares that (s)he is. Opening up the relationship doesn't work if one person is giving no ground on the opening-- demanding hardcore restrictions that aren't going to be temporary at all. (It was 'no making out' in my case, and I still get angry thinking about it years later.. clearly I still have healing to do. )

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Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
Ugh! Then there's the double standard when one partner has few restrictions while another has many. It's retarded (pun intended).
@Thunkybunny: Yes, what S describes is a bit one sided. That is to be expected as she is only one side of her relationship(s). As the other side of one of her relationship I have almost exactly opposite red flag settings. The thing our red flags have in common is if the other is not working on the problem.
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  #54  
Old 03-22-2010, 01:54 AM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
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The thing our red flags have in common is if the other is not working on the problem.
That's the point. It's too easy for one party to say they're struggling and demand that everyone else stop living their lives, all the while doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to learn or adapt to changes. This kind of dynamic happens in many types of social situations, not just poly. It's a human problem. The intransigent party is most likely to use psychological or physical violence to bully others into submission, controlling others instead of loving them. While compassion demands that we care for those who are having difficulties, friends cannot enable (self-)abusers. It is incumbent upon friends to signal when the slowest party's demands slip from mere cries for compassion to abusive patterns. When this becomes a long-term problem, it may be time to get professional help.
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  #55  
Old 03-22-2010, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
It is incumbent upon friends to signal when the slowest party's demands slip from mere cries for compassion to abusive patterns. When this becomes a long-term problem, it may be time to get professional help.
I totally agree with you here. It becomes a red flag for me when things are left because of an inability to deal EVER rather than an inability to deal at the moment because I am over-whelmed... this is my version on the whole idea of going at the pace of the one that is struggling the most... I assume in this (at least at the interim, and until it becomes known otherwise) that that person is struggling because they need some time to figure things out in order to be on the same wave length. Otherwise it can become a pattern. I'm not sure about abusive. I might need an example for that one... I guess if I fell into that pattern over and over it could be abusive and then professional help may be helpful.
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  #56  
Old 03-22-2010, 09:16 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
That's the point. It's too easy for one party to say they're struggling and demand that everyone else stop living their lives, all the while doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to learn or adapt to changes. ..........
It is incumbent upon friends to signal when the slowest party's demands slip from mere cries for compassion to abusive patterns. When this becomes a long-term problem, it may be time to get professional help.
Maybe a better term here to avoid confusion would be "manipulative" vs "abusive". Abusive covers a lot of ground and although an enabled manipulator is prime to become an abuser - in the beginning it's more likely to start with selfish manipulation. Power games.

But we're getting a bit off track here.............

GS
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  #57  
Old 03-25-2010, 06:16 AM
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A person who has never been single is a big red flag for me. In my experience, it takes a person who can be healthy alone to be healthy enough for a romantic relationship.
How about this one: People who have never been dumped.

Do they always just bail when the going gets tough?

They don't know how it feels to be dumped so they may not be as sensitive when doing it.

Maybe they start to think they're God's Gift to [insert gender here], so that make you "work" for their affection.
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  #58  
Old 03-25-2010, 11:52 AM
thunkybunny thunkybunny is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
How about this one: People who have never been dumped.

Do they always just bail when the going gets tough?

They don't know how it feels to be dumped so they may not be as sensitive when doing it.

Maybe they start to think they're God's Gift to [insert gender here], so that make you "work" for their affection.
Oh good one! Those people miss out by never having relationships or friendships, all of which require work.
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  #59  
Old 01-31-2011, 06:47 AM
kapablekeri kapablekeri is offline
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Default pattern vs work through...

a long term pattern vs working through a sticky issue...

This one is a big one for me.. because I always hang around while they are creating a pattern... but then that is my co-dependent side and there are all sorts of red flags for that ...

agreeing to accept less...

not being honest with what their (my) needs have been...

hanging on and enabling the destructive pattern...

knowing you are being manipulated and allowing it to continue...

someone who would rather be with anyone than be by themselves..

lying / deception...


becoming overly defensive over a situation or question... (always in my mind I hear.. I believeth thou doth protest too much!)

in my poly relationship I am long distance and the other two partners live together... so I know when she is beginning to be destructive to the relationship when I hear things like....

I don't get any alone time with him (when I have been away for 2 months and am visiting for 2 weeks)

I don't have any intimacy with him... (again same time line)


Thanks for this post...
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  #60  
Old 10-24-2011, 06:33 AM
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Insane00illusions Insane00illusions is offline
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Originally Posted by thunkybunny View Post
Coded messages:

"I want a relationship...with no expectations" = I don't want a relationship

"...just friends...casual...." = I don't love my friends (I don't have many friends either)

"I don't like drama." = I take no responsibility for the dramas that I create.

"Erring on the side of caution" = I'm waaay too scared to do this thoughtfully, so I'll just default to doing nothing since doing nothing is the safest and most comfortable strategy against adapting to change.

"Going at the pace of the slowest person/the weakest link" = Everybody stop what they're doing while I avoid doing any work to adapt to the new situation. Meanwhile, I'll actively sabotage the new relationship.

"...need time to develop trust" = My partner trusts you, but I don't trust my partner's judgment. I don't love my partner either, but nobody else can be with them.

"...to protect my investment/wife/husband/family" = I see you as a foreign threat, not one of us. I do not value anything you have to offer. I must burn down the village in order to save the village.

"...not ready to be friends..." = I need more time to sabotage the new relationship.

"I want respect...." = But only for the established relationship(s) and partner(s). New relationship(s) and partner(s) do not deserve respect.

"You are the secondary." = Kiss my ass and do what I say.

"I have xx years of experience." = I don't have anything to learn.

"We practice tantric sex." = So I'm melded with my partner 24/7, even when they're in the bathroom.

"I'm Buddhist." = I'm more spiritual than you. I have nothing to learn.

"Personal power" = You have neither the right nor the reason to feel bad about the way I treat you.

"Emotional maturity" = I have mistaken stoicism for emotional maturity. When I act out my emotions, I am reasonable. When other people express their doubts and emotions, they are emotionally immature.
I am copying this... pasting it and taping it to my wall. People think I am a little harsh or blunt as well. but this is spot on and

"...need time to develop trust" = My partner trusts you, but I don't trust my partner's judgment. I don't love my partner either, but nobody else can be with them.
"...not ready to be friends..." = I need more time to sabotage the new relationship.
<<<this just blows my mind, but I've seen people do this.
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