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Old 08-13-2014, 03:28 PM
Emmy37's Avatar
Emmy37 Emmy37 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Vermont
Posts: 55
Default NRE questions

Do all relationships go through this? If it doesn't seem that a relationship is going through this is that a sign something is wrong? I see so much talk about it on here, both good and bad things, but I'm not seeing it in my own triad. We seem to have moved right to comfortable with one another and not struggling with time or any of the other things people talk about.

Emmy: 37 year old, bisexual female.
Married to and owned by Bud who is involved with Sweet Lady.
No BDSM element between them as of right now.
Finding my own place with Sweet Lady who is a bisexual dominant female.
Personal Website with info about me as a person separate from Bud & Sweet Lady.
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Old 08-13-2014, 03:46 PM
Nadya Nadya is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 157

Well... my relationships did not have any huge NRE impact at all. Especially the one with CJ just was very comfy and easy from the beginning - though there were only us two at that time. With Mark I had more of NRE, I realize now looking back. Though, the effects of my NRE with Mark was mainly positive in regards of my relationship with CJ.

Not everyone goes to this total NRE cloud that is so much discussed here on these boards.

Then, also... every person experiences NRE differently, even the ones directly affected by it (a dyad or triad, for instance). In my case I think Mark is still in the NRE state soon two years into our relationship.

I do not think NRE struggles are "mandatory" for a poly relationship at all. Mine seems good and happy without any of that.
I am a woman with two male partners: CJ (legal husband) and Mark (no label added).
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Old 08-13-2014, 10:30 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,161

Everyone's different. I am someone who tends to keep my expectations as low as possible, so even if I am infatuated with a new lover, I might feel totally gaga and titillated and having ridiculous fantasies about him, but there is the other more grounded side of me that is talking me down out of the clouds because I like being present, having my feet on terra firma, and being as logical and practical as possible. Therefore, I never really deal much with NRE.

So, don't worry if NRE is not something you have had to deal with. Remember that people tend to post mostly about dramas and problems on online forums. There is a ton of members here who only lurk and may or may not experience most of what you read here. The frequent posters are a small subset of people who login here, and an even smaller subset of polyfolk everywhere. So, it isn't practical to assume that what you read here is "typical" for most polyamorists.

In fact, I often smirk when I read a lot of these posts that go on and on about NRE, because I think a lot of bullshit that is blamed on NRE is really due to other factors, like irresponsibility, selfishness, vindictiveness, unreasonable expectations, etc.
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 08-14-2014 at 05:06 AM.
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Old 08-14-2014, 04:04 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,160

No. In fact, NRE is a sign to me to back off. I don't like getting into relationships that are all caught up in body chemistry-crack. So I don't.

But lots of people do.Nothing wrong with feeling it or not feeling it.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 08-14-2014, 12:40 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,557

Emmy37, I have reread your posts. Maybe you, your husband and his new lover are not caught up in NRE to a ridiculous extent because you've both known Sweet Lady for years as friends, and so are not overly idealizing her.

OTOH, even if you don't have NRE for her, you could have NRE for polyamory in general, since that is new for you.

You seem to be way up one day and sad and crying the next, for example.

Also, you're struggling with not getting sexual attention from Sweet Lady. Your Husband/Master, as the Dom, wants you and her to be involved sexually. You seem to want more sex from her than "touching above the waist."

But Sweet Lady has other ideas. Master told her he loves her. SL wants alone time with him, but He wants the 3 of you to share a bed and sex (most mens' ideal fantasy is one man, 2 women).

So, rather than having NRE for SL, you're negotiating this so-called triad that may be polyamorous, but doesn't seem to be polysexual... I think that's the main thing you're working on.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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