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Old 10-05-2016, 07:46 PM
andycee007 andycee007 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 8
Default I Read The Books, Learned The Lingo Even Particpated In The Bedroom & Still ;(((

My wife and I have been together for over 18 Years, we started playing in the swing lifestyle almost from the start. To say we never hooked would be a lie but it was mostly foreplay for us. She is dominant by nature so we tried BDSM, Hot Wife & Cuckolding. Some by her choice and some by mine so I believe I can say we have never been mono. About six month ago she came to me and told me she is poly and I can except it or get on down the road because that who she is and how she is going to live her life moving forward.
All I could say was WoW...and before responding I turned to the net and started reading every blog and book I could find. As I started reading I started asking questions trying to sort out what she was into and could I fit in. Then she in formed me that she was going to start dating I did not exactly react well to that, it was not the sex aspect as I was ok with that being we had been open for so long but it was a combination of the level of intimacy with someone and the fact that I was being excluded that I was having a hard time with. With in a few days I was informed that a guy friend that I knew introduced or at least expounded Virtues of Poly to her was now her boyfriend.
I started freaking out trying to keep our mirage /our family together. One of the things I read said having a calendar of what was going on and a set schedule would be a big help and it was for a wile. Then backed on my reading I thought the three of us doing things together might help and I think it kind of did for a bit. But next came they wanted to fluid bond, so Acquiesced but asked that he have an STD blood test done first. Then we go on an organized poly camping trip that she and I had planted to attend and the next thing I know He is going with us. OooK the first night went well we all played and slept together but it was unlike any 3sum we had had in the past it was almost like he and I were competing. That continued the next days and lead to some drama between all of us. I decided to confront him we talked some stuff out so we could all get along as we had two more days and nights to go.The rest of the trip went fine except my wife was bugged with me.
This went on all summer he was there more then not. The calender deal was she would see him on Friday nights wile I was at work well that did not last long and the next thing in knew she was with him 2-3nights a week some time they include me but most often not. Finally last Saturday "that was our night" he was flying back to town and she wanted to go get him and go to his place, I was bugged but gave in but she was to be back in time for us to go out, well that never happened... I got mad and sent the two of them some angry mean text and now she is moving out. Did Poly kill my marriage or did I just not get it??? I really need to understand!?? Help Please!! Sorry so long ;(((

Last edited by andycee007; 10-05-2016 at 08:10 PM. Reason: spelling
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Old 10-05-2016, 08:16 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Polyamory relies on wholehearted and informed consent of all parties. To my mind, you never freely gave your wholehearted consent; you were bullied and acquiesced under duress.

Your wife abused you and called it poly. Polyamory is about love and managing multiple loving relationships, but she did not act very loving towards you AT ALL. It seems she just wanted an excuse to do what she wanted and eventually leave you.

I am apalled at her behavior. People like your wife give polyamory a bad name. IMHO, you are better off without her.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 10-05-2016 at 08:19 PM.
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Old 10-05-2016, 10:00 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 1,911

Yeah sometimes people use poly to kill their marriage. People who want out of their relationships will sometimes say 'poly or the highway' and then everyone suffers as the original partner usually tries desperately to accommodate that demand.

I'm sorry. She should have just ended the marriage with you first.
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Old 10-05-2016, 10:25 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 505

This was not honest, ethical, and informed polyamory. It sounds like she bullied you and failed to respect any of your boundaries. I'm sorry things went so poorly for you.
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, starring:
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Old 10-06-2016, 01:25 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Posts: 5,354

I am so sorry.

It sounds like Wife is the one who did not get it. If she wanted to end it with you, she could have done that in a CLEAN way. Not demand, bully, neglect or make agreements she wasn't intending on keeping, and them stomp off when held accountable to her Word.

This was not ethical polyamory.

You have worth, dignity, and value. You deserve to be treated well. You do NOT deserve to be treated poorly. I'm sorry she treated you poorly.

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Old 10-06-2016, 02:37 AM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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To put it bluntly, your wife was an asshole. So was the "Virtues of Poly" boyfriend.
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Cat 51/bi/f in a relationship together 22 years, recently passed away
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Old 10-06-2016, 07:12 AM
andycee007 andycee007 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 8
Default Thank You All Fore Your Responce

Thank You One And ALL !!!

It's hard to read but maybe that's what I needed to here. I know if I was able to tell my friends they would tell me the same thing along with are you
Fin Crazy. LOL
And maybe I am... I Love my wife and the thought of her not being in my life after 18 years is hard to says least. Our family's are one she and I would always doing most everything together. But I keep reminding myself that the only part of this I can control are my actions! So I guess then best I can hope for is somewhere down the road she will figure it out and see where she went wrong and maybe we will work it out.... I Love My Wife and I believe in our marriage and I know Poly was all new to her BUT!!!

Once Again Thank You ALL Fore Your Response!!!
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Old 10-07-2016, 11:09 AM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: central Europe
Posts: 756

I wonder what led her to just throw you under the bus so suddenly. I seems you were completely taken by surprise, no real problems in the relationship before. I get NRE is strong and people do bullshit (well, I did), but still I'd expect much more concern for the spouse and home. Even if she actually wanted to leave, after 18 years I'd expect some kind of deciding process. Was she always like this? Making completely one-sided decisions about the relationship?
Me: female, 27, polyfriendly
Idealist: my partner, 37, polyamorous
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Old 10-07-2016, 10:25 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Yelm, Washington
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Hi andycee007,

Sorry to hear that your wife is leaving you, I know that is not what you wanted. It seems like she's been pulling away from you for some time. Or replacing you with her boyfriend. I don't understand why she's did that. Does she not realize that consent and communication are necessary?

I am sure you're not feeling too good; I just hope you can get some healing in the months ahead.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 10-08-2016, 04:48 AM
andycee007 andycee007 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 8
Default thanks Keven.but I have a question if I may

As she moved into Poly I had no issue with her dating or having sex " Having a boyfriend"but the thing that triggered me was seeing the bond developing between the two of them. We all slept to gather a few times and I was ok with everything till they would do something like in a Hotel on the night of my Birthday we have crazy fun sex,we all fall asleep in one bed then I wake up in the middle of the night and they had moved to the other bed and are asleep snuggled up. I thought what the F so I pack my shit and split she wakes up at some point see's I'm gone and got passed. The same kind of thing happened on a trip we all went on ( on mine and hers anniversary getaway) crazy I know....
We go to bed have a lot of fun fall a sleep I wake up and get triggered seeing them cuddled up. I just could not get to the point to where I was happy just from seeing them happy together. To See that level of emotional intimacy with my wife and another man was just to much for me I guess. How does one get the mind set that makes that ok..... what did I miss in all I read or I did not do right.... I know that was a big part of what broke the camels back for her and now I'm bugged with my self. Maybe as open as I like to think I am, maybe I just can't do poly...
I look forward to hering back from you and anyone that has a thought that might help me understand.
Thank You
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