Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-04-2014, 01:27 AM
seseri seseri is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tokyo
Posts: 4
Default Poly/mono heartbreak and still stuck in limbo

Hi everyone, past lurker here!
I think I'm gonna go nuts if I don't talk about this, but I'll try to keep it brief.
(Also it hurts me to relive this any more than in dot points right now. As a result I might leave out some important points. For example I don't discuss all the communication we did but I did my best to be communicative, define our rship, etc...it just wasn't enough.)
I would greatly appreciate any thoughts or advice from someone with more experience. (Other than damn, that was a stupid thing to do, because....I know...)

- I'm poly, in 1 long-distance rship, and had an FWB at the time of this story.
- 7 months ago I met a mono guy at work who I hit it off with instantly. We had similar values, interests, hobbies, goals in life even, and found each other incredibly cute, etc. NRE heaven.
- I knew it would be a mistake to get involved with him because he told me he was mono, so first thing I revealed that I was poly and had an FWB and LDR. He had liked me (the more he knew about me he just got more and more affectionate, pretty much thought I was awesome), but at this point I guess he decided I wasn't worth getting too attached to because he wouldn't be able to deal with it.
- But a few weeks later, we ended up in a sexual rship. We called it FWBs, but we got too attached. It was pretty much exactly like a romantic relationship, though I reminded him that I was poly and we agreed I would continue to see my FWB. (The LDR didn't really factor in for him.) He seemed to deal with it well. (Yeah, BIG mistake this step was.)
- He was always more reserved from falling in love than me from the start, because he knew it would never work, whereas I, drunk on NRE, had the feeling that maybe we could work it out.
- Warning sign I ignored: His relationships never last more than a couple months (in his late 20s)
- Long story short, I fell gradually more in love until his lack of feelings for me became so painful we had a huge fight.
- At a company party he looks regretful and drunk and half-seriously suggesting maybe we could at least hook up once in a while (when drunk! :P).
- I'm ashamed to say we got back together maybe a week later. He apologized for his behavior and I apologized for mine (I was pretty depressed at the time, and he didn't really understand depression or know how to deal with it)
- He was kind enough to tell me during the ensuing time together that he didn't feel as strongly as I did for him though. Props for that.
- Soon we had another huge fight that ended it once and for all. Basically I was angry at him for ignoring something I asked him to do, and he refused to speak to me and just went home because I was angry. I couldn't believe someone who purports to care about me (he said he didn't love, but he did care) would refuse to talk about why I'm angry, I'm used to partners being at least communicative when someone is upset.
- At first, knowing this relationship was never going to become a serious romantic one, and there was no sense dragging it on, I cut him off entirely, felt so hurt at the time I said didn't want to be friends, cut him off Facebook, etc...but then I realized I do want him as a friend. In fact friendship was I'd intended for us from the beginning, but my attraction for him went too far to control. He'd been a wonderful friend, like no one I'd ever met before, until we got involved with each other.
- Based on some things I said when we fought (I was crazy over him at that point), he told me he didn't want to even be friends.
- After about three weeks of no contact, he starts messaging me at work.
- I'm still badly heartbroken, so this just opens the wound for me. Yet despite myself I chat back. But when our conversation gets too intimate or friendly, he reminds me he hasn't changed his mind about him not wanting to be friends. After a while of this I ended up snapping at him for using me (while I'm still broken hearted!) to relieve his boredom at work (he actually said he didn't want to be friends, but hey, it's nice to have someone to chat with when work is boring. the nerve..).
- He tells me after thinking about it he doesn't really want me in his life. Yet he continues to chat to me. I try to stop.
- Very limited contact for maybe 2 months, we very sporadically would chat about work-related topics
- He sees me at some event with a guy, maybe assumes we're dating because he appears to introduce himself and find out who the guy is, and we banter a little like old times (every time we meet it feels so good, like the fights never happened.)
- The next three days I have zero contact with him. The fourth day, for the first time in months, he initiates conversation, saying "Hey how are you doing". Making positive comments about my work, hobbies, etc. He starts initiating chat every day the next few days and we make small talk, crack jokes over our mutual interests, etc.
- In person he's distant, there's a "wall" and he tries to avoid talking to me for too long, yet when we're sitting at a meeting once he'd come sit next to me when I deliberately sat a seat away from him. -_-
- I find out from a mutual friend that he's had a new girlfriend for a couple weeks, whom he's not happy with. I am newly pissed off, thinking he's probably just keeping me around because the grass wasn't greener.
- Also my heart is newly broken. I can't sleep, eat, etc.
- At our recent company event which was on a Friday night, I assumed he'd be rushing off to his girlfriend, but he lingered at the party until near the end, stealing a glance at me before leaving (maybe I'm overthinking it, though, I'm not in the best state of mind to judge). As though he misses me.

I'm over any hope of a romantic relationship with this guy.
The best I am hoping for is a possible friendship, after I am over him and after my intense attraction to him fades.
I just wish I knew if there were really a chance at reconciliation. He told me in the past he emotionally shuts down and moves on to avoid getting hurt. It drives me nuts because his signals say to me that he still cares in some way for me but is holding me at arm's length. (Or, pessimistically, he's just using me for validation, but I don't think so.)
The wisest answer is probably to move on, but it will be sad if I were to move on before I knew whether there was at least a chance to rebuild our friendship. I am afraid to ask at this point, I feel like it needs more time. Maybe I should approach one last time when I'm ready, not sure when to time it though.

I want to take him at face value when he says he doesn't want me in his life.
But 3 months after the last breakup he keeps talking to me and talking with him feels so good (I'm pretty sure that part at least is mutual) that I have a feeling he has no idea whether he really never wants to be friends.

------
TLDR: I am poly, was in relationship mis-defined as FWB with a mono guy, we break up and he claims not to want me in his life but continues daily contact with me (admittedly in the workplace, but it's over private chat), I'm done chasing him romantically but just want to figure out how to approach one last chance at platonic friendship, which was the ORIGINAL goal. He's known for not saying or even being fully aware of how he feels, so one last try to get the truth out of him is enough. But when to time it...


I'm a poly noob but I guess I was a relationship noob too, because I've never been so broken-hearted in my life. And I'm aware the failure in our relationship was based on unrealistic expectations, inadequate communication, and just plain personality clash (and immaturity and selfishness on both our parts), not because of polyamory.
I sure learned some lessons here...

Thanks very much to anyone who read this till the end.

Last edited by seseri; 10-04-2014 at 01:37 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-04-2014, 02:02 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,196
Default

I read, I feel for you, but I really feel you are over-thinking things...

He enjoys interacting with you - or he wouldn't. He is mono (he thinks) so he knows that what you can offer him (romantically/sexually) is NOT what he is ultimately looking for. But...he enjoys interacting with you.

I have one of those (MrClean, for people that have read my blog).

Your options. 1.) Interact with him but don't let it "go there". Enjoy the interactions that you DO have but don't expect any more. 2.) Don't respond to his attempts at interaction. STOP responding to his initiations.

If you can't do the first, then I suggest the second. You want to be friends but you are "heart-broken"? Respond on the "friend" level...and deflect anything beyond that.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-04-2014, 02:15 AM
seseri seseri is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tokyo
Posts: 4
Default

Thanks for your response.
You're right, and I intend not to 'go there' (romantically).
I'm just confused whether we can actually be friends, since he treats me like one after having said he didn't want to be. I still hope to stick it out a bit and recover from the heart break, then try to reach out platonically.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-04-2014, 03:25 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,852
Default

Hi seseri,

Re (from OP):
Quote:
"Maybe I should approach one last time when I'm ready, not sure when to time it though."
Sounds to me like the right time is when you're ready. How will you know you're ready? What signs will tell you that? I'm assuming that you'll be ready when you've recovered from the heartbreak?

It might be a good idea to take all things slowly with this guy from now on. If you get moving too fast, you may find yourself falling back in love, and there's quite a bit of evidence that falling in love with this guy would be a bad thing for you.

Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-04-2014, 05:26 AM
seseri seseri is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tokyo
Posts: 4
Default

Yeah. I was also worried about reaching out to him too soon after he told me he didn't want to be friends.
But it will be WAY too easy to fall for him again, for a while.
I think I'm just feeling hurried because he's been planning to quit our company and that's our best opportunity to talk.
Thanks for your comment.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-04-2014, 07:56 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,852
Default

You could perhaps talk to him a little, just a little, in the near future, just enough to touch base? Then you won't be feeling as hurried.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 10-05-2014, 02:51 AM
seseri seseri is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tokyo
Posts: 4
Default

Yeah. I won't expect much to come of it, I hope that we will stay in touch after he leaves, but I guess workplace chitchat is likely all he wants with me.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 10-05-2014, 07:17 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,852
Default

Sorry ... I know you were originally hoping for more.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:49 PM.