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Old 11-14-2011, 03:55 AM
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egoreise egoreise is offline
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Default Poly virgin here...

Hello, all! My name is Courtney. I am currently in a monogamous relationship, 5 years strong.
I have only recently shared with my boyfriend my interest in a poly relationship. The desire surfaced when he started working long hours and started getting serious with his band and their goals. I understand and I desperately try to keep from causing drama, but I get incredibly lonely. I can't imagine what it will be like when they tour...

He happily accepted the idea, with just one condition. Whoever I am involved with, he must be involved with, as well. It's a beautiful idea, really.... welcoming a woman into our relationship, and all three of us loving and giving equally..... but I do fully realize this means I get to go on a unicorn hunt...

So yes... we are essentially hoping for a poly triad.


A bit more about me... I am an artist, an activist, a crafter, and a tropical fish breeder. I am a woman of compassion. It is my strength and my weakness. I have a tendency to wear myself thin trying to help people. I have a small obsession with antique collecting, steampunk, and culture of the 1920's....

My boyfriend's name is Jason. He is a very skilled drummer in a metal band. He is a man of few words, but passionate about music and politics.

Also in our household... one cat and one dog, a turtle, a snake, and a multitude of fish. Two spare beds currently occupied by two band members who are struggling. They are like brothers to me.


Aaaand... that's me. At the moment....
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Old 11-14-2011, 04:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by egoreise View Post
He happily accepted the idea, with just one condition. Whoever I am involved with, he must be involved with, as well.
Ugh, ridiculous demand. Clearly a way to control you - if you want someone to be with while he's away, how will that work if his requirement is to be there? And if he's okay that you not always be together at the same time, is the woman you find supposed to be willing to just be his toy whenever he's in town? Seems like you want companionship and he just wants sex. I wouldn't accept his terms, and would keep negotiating, if I were you.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-14-2011 at 04:17 AM.
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Old 11-14-2011, 04:11 AM
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Hmmm... looking at my own post, I guess I should clarify. I have long thought about a poly relationships. I have even seen it work well for some of my best friends. The concept is new to my boyfriend. I have tried to do research and discuss specific possible issues, like jealousy, with him...
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Old 11-14-2011, 04:12 AM
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Ugh, ridiculous demand.
Hello, nycindie.

Yes. But I could not do otherwise. That would be unfaithful.

Last edited by egoreise; 11-14-2011 at 04:16 AM.
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Old 11-14-2011, 04:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by egoreise View Post
Hello, nycindie.

Yes. But I could not do otherwise. That would be unfaithful.
I edited my post while you responded, but I'll repeat this here: Keep negotiating.

It's not all up to him.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 11-14-2011, 04:23 AM
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True. I should maybe bring it up again. Finding someone interested in both of us is going to be near impossible...
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  #7  
Old 11-14-2011, 04:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Ugh, ridiculous demand. Clearly a way to control you - if you want someone to be with while he's away, how will that work if his requirement is to be there? And if he's okay that you not always be together at the same time, is the woman you find supposed to be willing to just be his toy whenever he's in town? Seems like you want companionship and he just wants sex. I wouldn't accept his terms, and would keep negotiating, if I were you.
Absolutely good points. I have stressed that he would have to be OK with us being intimate in his absence, and that I would be more than OK with them being intimate in my absence (I do work some wacky hours). You are helping me realize that I have not pursued this subject deeply enough.
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Old 11-14-2011, 05:17 AM
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I completely, completely agree with Nyc. What if it all starts out good but then the new woman realizes she's just not into him? Does that mean you and she would have to break up too? A women you can share sounds like a great idea, and some people do indeed find that, but to have it as a requirement is unfair and unrealistic if you want something more than totally casual sex with someone you can discard if it doesn't work out exactly the way you want.

Stand up for yourself and tel him that what you'd like to do is look for a real woman, not a mythical creature.
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Old 11-14-2011, 05:23 AM
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This is so true... and I have been deeply concerned since he made that decision. I need to revisit this with him. Right now, I don't feel I am getting the physical or emotional intimacy I need and deserve, but his conditions make it near impossible for me to do anything about it. I love the man, and I really would hate to have to move on due to his commitment to his band. I understand the importance of music in his life and I know it takes up a lot of time...
I really appreciate the input, guys.
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  #10  
Old 11-15-2011, 02:20 AM
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Funnily enough, the quote at the bottom here is exactly your dude -- http://m.urbandictionary.com/#define...icorn%20Hunter

I'm curious -- would you be open to *him* having another partner of his own?
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