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  #11  
Old 12-11-2009, 03:50 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Power? My gf is a former trained slave and has been more on the sub side in all her relationships. One of my goals is to help her find more personal power. She's in therapy and the therapist says I am the healthiest relationship she's had yet, b/c I am better at communicating than anyone else she's had LTRs with.
That's really interesting. I've had friends who's journey as a sub has been about learning their power and understanding it. In lots of ways that's kind of beautiful to see. My Dom/me friends often talk about how it is the sub who has the power in their relationships and the sub gives the Dom/me the privilege of wielding that power.
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  #12  
Old 12-14-2009, 07:46 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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So as an example of not really having the "power" I have been over the last week insighting interest in getting my guys to talk about our future together. It has become more and more apparent that we need to move. I need to move my studio out of my parents home and we need to stop using them for storage purposes. They have become completely un-trustable and I fear them in the current state we are in... we need to get off the street they live on and find our own spot in the city that they are not near...

Anyway, I can't do this alone obviously and have begun thinking about what I would like to see possibly happen. I have been thinking for awhile actually and putting feelers out as to what it is I am aiming for so that it can be open for discussion.

Up until this week I got no input from the men other than they are not ready, or a knowing laughs of appreciation.

I am saying this because really, like the D/s thing, it takes both to make it work... I could be "Dominant" yes, but really, I need them to step up to my dominance in order for me to be that. If you see what I mean... they have more power than I do actually as they are the ones that make the final decisions about what will happen in my life just by virtue of the fact that they are the last to have input.

(Just so you know what I purpose: A house that would be owned or rented by all of us possibly with the addition of my ex-wife/girlfriend. I would like a house with several suits or some kind of separate living arrangement so that we all have our space and privacy.)
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  #13  
Old 12-14-2009, 09:07 PM
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ourquad ourquad is offline
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Eek! Is that really power? It seems in that sense the dynamics of the relationship are being shaped by the person most able to destroy things. That strikes me as a really difficult thing to sustain.

I sometimes substitute the word power for fuel. In some contexts they are synonymous. Energy flow is about who is providing fuel in what way. That shifts and flows in my relationships. I never get a sense that it affords power one way or another but it clearly keeps energy flowing between us, which is important.
Yes, you're correct, power may not be the right word for this. It has been very difficult for me to come to terms with. In the end, I have to remind myself I am not Tech's primary relationship and I knew that I never would be going into this. I remind myself that some bridges can't be dealt with until you actually have to cross them. And I remind myself that Tech and I love each other and we will both do our best to resolve something like that closer to our satisfacton if the need arises. I truly believe these day that he would do his best there.

I've stressed over this in the past to the point that I wasn't enjoying what we do have. I'm thankful for his presence in my life and strife to life in the moment the best I can. That's been a deal learning process for a planner.
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  #14  
Old 12-14-2009, 09:22 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by PickMoreDaisies View Post
I think that it helps to have the feeling that you have some say so when you are having a hard time dealing with things and so I willingly give up the 'say so' when others are struggling. Does that make sense?
Yes. I can understand that sort of thing when dealing with specific, short-term circumstances. As a permanent dynamic, or even for a lengthy, indefinite term, I don't find it reasonable. I think it's too rife for abuse and essentially unhealthy.

And I'm certain there are folks for whom it works just fine. That whole diversity thing in action. We humans are a varied lot.
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  #15  
Old 12-14-2009, 09:28 PM
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Care to elaborate on this? I don't get how this would be comfortable or work in the long term. It sounds like it's based on fear of movement and change in your relationship. How come she gets to dictate all that anyways? I can understand that she would have emotions and jealousy, but it doesn't seem healthy for anyone that her emotions and jealousy be the focal point of your relationships together?
I think I answered most of this in the above response. Kitten just doesn't show love the way I'm used to. And that was one of the very few times she has actually admitted to jealousy or the possibility of jealousy. Though I would say she has felt I many times by her behavior.

Kitten is so outside what I can understand at times. I never feel as if I explain her correctly. I've come to accept that getting her to change is imposible (things are never her fault). I can only change how I handle things. And that means I have to distance myself from some situations. Both Gator ansd Tech understand that now. I like Kitten and love her in the only way I can but what the relationship is between the two of us can never be more until she does some changing and growing.
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  #16  
Old 12-14-2009, 09:32 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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This "Kitten" sounds like quite the speshul snowflayke.

What are some of her redeeming qualities, if any?
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