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  #1  
Old 11-17-2011, 03:31 AM
gort gort is offline
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Default Now what?

Forgive the Essay: there's an actual question here. For the impatient, I've bolded it.

Fifteen years ago, I met a girl. We became best friends shortly thereafter.

It was not love at first sight. But I did fall in love with her. But by the time I told her, it was too late. She already had a boyfriend, she couldn't wait to tell me, she was so happy. She married him too. I was her guest of honor.

I did tell her how I felt then. Shortly after she got the boyfriend. Before the marriage. That was a decade ago. He answer then was no. She wasn't in love with me.

I expected that we would drift apart, and that I would forget about her. I did not. We always maintained a friendship.

Then she moved practically next door. Hardly more than a block from me. And then things began to get interesting. We were still just friends. But we did to hang out together quite a lot.

Then... she got pregnant (by her husband), and started breastfeeding. In front of me. And things got really interesting. That was about 18 months ago. I had never fallen out of love with her.

One day a chance comment brought a whole new possibility. Kid was treating mommy's boobs more as a toy than a foodsource just then. "You'd never let me to that, Would you?"

"Probabally not." a pause "But I can envision a scenario that would require careful negotiations with my husband"

Three days later I asked her if She'd really meant that. And if she loved me too. This time the answer was more complicated, but boiled down to yes.

She wanted a year to think about it, though. And didn't want to bring it up till then.

Well, it took only a couple months. She did ask her husband. He actually agreed easily. Of all things he was happier about it than either of us.

So we went there.

Now things are complicated. Not between Us so much, but between the world at large. She's the only girl I've ever loved. And likely will ever love. And we can be a couple.... but not publicly. And that's eating me.

In the intervening years, I've been pretty well asexual. Not really by choice. But there just WASN'T anybody who I was really able to fall in love with. And I think sex without love is pretty pointless. I didn't want that. People around me tend to think I'm gay (which isn't so bad anymore).... or... nevermind. Which is.

I want a public relationship. Badly. How to come out of the closet? Without ruining anybody's life or job in the process. Her job is the biggest concern she works for the police (not as a cop, a secretary of sorts). Coworkers tend to be conservative.

And then there's the child. Whom I adore. She's still pre-verbal. How to behave? Not only am I new to poly, this is my first real relationship of any kind. I haven't have the faintest clue how to handle this.

Feeling lost. And confused. And I want for all the world for things to go well with her. I would not have ever considered a relationship of this kind if there was another way I could be with her. But I've had a too-long case of unrequited love. And a miraculous second chance. And it's not unrequited anymore.

Now what?
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  #2  
Old 11-17-2011, 04:40 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Being in the closet is bad for you on multiple levels. It hurts your self-esteem, it makes everything more complicated, it turns you into a liar, and it fills your life with unneeded stress. Wanting a relationship you can publicly acknowledge is perfectly normal and healthy.

But how to get there?

Well, how long have you been going out? It may make sense to wait at least a while if you've just started, so that you two can feel more confident in the relationship before telling others about the (admittedly unusual) arrangement. Is she adamant about staying in the closet or is she open to the idea of trying to figure out how to be out?

She may well get some flack at first and no one can absolutely guarantee that there won't be worse consequences, like her being let go. But chances are good it will be fine. My gf eventually came out about her relationship with me to her supervisor and closest colleagues and she works at a religious charity. Everyone was highly surprised, but they didn't give her a hard time about it.

If I were you, I would request that out-ness be the eventual goal, but I would tell her we could let it go at her pace. Like, start accompanying her and the hubs to public events, or go out with her alone, but keep it low-key and pda-free around her co-workers and family. They'll get used to you as a good friend to her, and see that there's no whacky drama going on. When she's ready, and feels right about it, she can tell them and you can relax a little.

With close friends, now that's another thing, I think out-ness is kinda mandatory there, otherwise you can never relax except when completely alone. I think it's ideal to be relaxed and not hide anything when just out and about in the world too, and if a co-worker happens to be passing by and sees something, well, deal with it if he or she chooses to say something, but it's unlikely to happen unless you live in a small town.

As for the kid, there's truly nothing to worry about there. Since my gf had a baby I've done a fair bit of reading about kids and poly, including stories from people who were raised in poly households, and it seems that as long as everyone is sane and loving there are no negative effects whatsoever to being aware that mommy loves Joe and mommy loves Jay and mommy loves her kids too. It's just love, it's not like they're even gonna know about sex until way down the road.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #3  
Old 11-17-2011, 05:45 AM
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I've loved her forever. I've been hanging out and being close friends even longer. Since high school. And were all now in our 30s.

Kissing and the rest started about 7 weeks ago. I could have honestly said I didn't even kiss her before then.

She says that if the closet feels claustrophobic she can stand the air. BUT... she doesn't want to tell her sister, and DEFINITELY not her father. He doesn't want to tell his brother. I've already told my sister, but not my parents.

And if you can't tell the sibs. Then how are you to tell the rest?

And I've always considered her family to be my friends too. His family I don't know as well. as I've only met them a couple times.

Co-workers is a HELL no, right at the moment. And I understand the worry. She's the only steady breadwinner. Hubby stays home and takes care of the kid. But truth to tell, he has a hard time getting and keeping a job. My own income is extremely limited.

And me and her is only two-thirds of the equation.

We've had one date just me and her at a restaurant where the staff all knew me. But not her. And definitely not about the complications.
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Old 11-17-2011, 06:01 AM
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Well, it's great to hear that she's open to the possibility of being out at some point. That's a big deal.

As for the job, it certainly seems rational for her to be concerned. I guess the question is, does she feel so concerned that random hand-holding on the street is off limits lest someone see (will probably be ok in the short term, will feel stifling in the long term) or is it just a matter of not making out with you at the annual station bbq (a bit of a shame but really not a problem)?

Many people are antsy about family at first but realize in time that it's better to tell them than to either live waaaay in the back of the closet or risk them eventually finding out accidentally. 7 weeks isn't that long. Sometimes you can't plan out all aspects of a relationship in advance and this may be one of this things that you need to just feel out as you go along. I know it must feel tough to be patient, but I would give it more time and just see how it goes.

If you were already a big part of her life then you don't need to worry that your presence wil make anyone ask any questions, so that helps.

Think of it this way -- you've loved her in secret for years and years. Surely you can stand to love her in secret a little longer, now that you finally have her, while she figures out how to be out?

For context, my gf and I have been together for two years. I told my parents at 6 months in, she told her mom and sister at 6 months and her dad just a few months ago. Her husband's parents don't know because there's truly no reason for them to -- I rarely see them. She's told some but not all of her co-workers by now, I was semi-out at my old job but haven't yet told anyone at the new job I've been at for the last 9 months (really not sure why I've been so nervous about it), though I have a pic of her and a pic of her baby up in my office along with a pic of my bf and a pic of my parents.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #5  
Old 11-17-2011, 06:30 AM
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Well. I'm not entirely sure. Usually our walks involve the baby stroller. Which really takes both hands for one of us.

Walks often involve Family Music Time at the Library on Saturdays. She used to work at the library. Her position with the police was actually considered a transfer (she's a city employee). Her mother retired from there and her sister works there still. So I suppose she'd be paranoid about those.

Her husband actually takes the Kid for the more romantic occasions. I appreciate that.

She's been just as scared as I've been. Probably still is.

Thank you so much for your good council. I will take things as they go.
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  #6  
Old 11-17-2011, 06:43 AM
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Best of luck! I think there's every reason in the world to think that you guys will be just fine.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #7  
Old 11-17-2011, 06:57 AM
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Take a breath my friend. This is NRE talking me thinks. Coming out is not all that is cracked up to be in my opinion. It makes people rain on your parade, judge and wait for you all to implode. Ya, over rated. When someone is in NRE it can be really sad to see them become deflated because they have told someone that is less than sympathetic to their joy. Why not hold on to that for as long as possible and just go to another area of town to hold hands in public.

I do get it. Don't get me wrong. You are in love, you want to shout it from the mountain top. That feels awesome and is something that you should be able to do at some point. Maybe if you dated someone that is mono some time you can try that out. But this is different, very new and needs treading lightly.

Take a look at the "coming out" threads that can be found by a tag search. You might want to look at the "NRE" ones too. They might shed some light on some ideas for you.

Good luck
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  #8  
Old 11-17-2011, 07:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Coming out is not all that is cracked up to be in my opinion. It makes people rain on your parade, judge and wait for you all to implode.
Completely agree with this comment redpepper. of the ppl who know out situation the ones i have told have been ppl i trust and i know will not judge it so my exp coming out to them has been relatively positive.

my partner BG has not been as fortunate or had the support of those who do know. she told someone she admires and looks up to and the response from that person was they thought is was a bad idea and my other partner hasnt had a negative experience with those she has told that i can recall.

But coming out isnt really important to me, i think that this is because i lived with DADT for so long, so secrets i am use to. for my partners its a little more of a struggle as they are civilians and have been out (about sexuality but not about this for professional reasons) so in a way they feel closeted again.

i guess its really up to the ppl in the relationship to handle it how they think appropriate. whatever you choose good luck to ya
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Old 11-17-2011, 07:35 AM
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I think I'm going to need a SDR* for all the MLAs**.

NRE I found in the sticky. DADT I think I know already. But I have a feeling there's more where those came from.


I'm still following this thread, But I've got to go to bed now.
Good night. And sincere thanks to all respondents.


*Secret Decoder Ring
**Multi-Letter Acronyms
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  #10  
Old 11-17-2011, 08:20 AM
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sry habit for me at times DADT is dont ask dont tell
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