Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 11-13-2011, 01:33 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Unhappy

It's possible to move from cheating to poly, but it's certainly extra hard, because chances are very good you'll be dealing with hurt, mistrust, and confusion. Still, you're getting ready to do the right thing now, and that's what matters.

I assume that either you love this woman, or the idea of poly really resonates with you, or both, for you to be willing to deceive your wife like this. Try to figure out which it is.

Do you love this new woman? If so, then the relationship, even though it came about via unfaithfulness to your wife, deserves some respect and you should tell your wife and perhaps also tell her you don't want to end it. If it's just about sex and friendship, on the other hand, I'd suggest stepping away from your relationship with the new woman. Then go to your wife and tell her everything, and that it's ended for the forseeable future. Admit your mistakes, beg forgiveness, *then* tell her that this woman introduced the idea of poly to you and it resonated, and ask if she would she be willing to read a little about it and possibly consider it.

Third possibility -- you don't love this woman and you don't really resonate with the idea of poly, but you and your wife are having other relationship problems that made an escape seem like a good idea?
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 11-13-2011, 02:48 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

For a moment, take this completely out of the polyamorous context. Because at this point, you are not polyamorous, you're just a guy having an affair. That's how your wife will see it, and that's how I see it.

Whether the mistress is poly or not is 100% irrelevant. Your wife will not give a hoot what the other woman's excuse or lifestyle is, she will blame you for stepping outside the marriage.

There's no way that your mistress should be the one to tell your wife about the affair.

I understand she's probably trying to be helpful, figuring she "knows about the lifestyle" and can help your wife understand.

But no good can come from your wife hearing that her husband is having an affair from the mouth of the Other Woman. Your wife will be hurt and probably angry. Having the mistress present the news will likely leave her feeling even more betrayed.

My other concern is with this woman calling herself poly, and yet having no reservations about beginning an affair with a married man. While being poly does not automatically make a person honest or good at choosing partners, it does give me a sense that she may not have very much experience in the lifestyle. For her to further offer to tell your wife that she's the mistress sends up big alarm bells.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 11-13-2011, 12:40 PM
whyimhere whyimhere is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: in saskatchewan where everyone thinks its flat
Posts: 10
Default

annabel & scrodinger : you 2 are right, thank you for your thoughts, since meeting the other woman (mistress) and being told of the poly , i had become quite confused and maybe missguided, there for thats why ive reached out, im not looking for judgment, but for answers,
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 11-13-2011, 01:15 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,724
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whyimhere View Post
...i do love both very much, but it is my other (poly) i do seem to be at one with, there seems to be a certain energy level between us...
That at-oneness with a woman you barely know is called new relationship energy (NRE). Do a tag search here to read much much more about it.

You are awash in infatuation and sexy hormones. This new woman is not practicing poly with you, she is helping you to cheat on your wife.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 11-14-2011, 12:14 PM
whyimhere whyimhere is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: in saskatchewan where everyone thinks its flat
Posts: 10
Default

1st of all a big thank you to those of you that responded, your comments have helped me a lot, you are all a great bunch,
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 11-14-2011, 12:15 PM
whyimhere whyimhere is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: in saskatchewan where everyone thinks its flat
Posts: 10
Default

hey schrodinger: where in sask are you from, pm me
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 11-14-2011, 01:16 PM
Senga's Avatar
Senga Senga is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Buffalo NY, willing to relocate
Posts: 99
Default Oh, I have faith in you, + this is a good forum

Quote:
Originally Posted by whyimhere View Post
married male w/wife and 2 children. she than explained to me that she is a poly. i trusted her enough to let her be known to my wife and children. only one thing is i/we havent told wife about intimicies and her poly life. i am still trying to understand the meaning of poly to thats where im confused. i know there is no set rules or really no set guides. im reaching out for others to help. thank you

Hey, Im just going to say whats on my mind because, I promise you, I have been in this situation before. I waffled for a great long time because I was afraid & I was ashamed and I was confused. It felt so great when I made the choice to talk about it. It worked out for me & now I am so happy & free in my life. I walked out of all the murky water & into the sunshine. My partner has since then over time forgiven me, and decided to embrace polyamory relationship styles with me. We are both content.

Everybody has brought up good points. Especially nre, ethics, how the 'poly ideal' may resonate with you, and 'mistress telling your wife' sounds like a no-no.
Thought I could just repeat some & clarify some things, perhaps, it seems like you are very confused & need time to figure things out yourself. I understand that. Reading the initial post, there are several things that struck me as possible misconceptions, perhaps things you have yet to straighten out...


1. There are many forms of Non-monogamy.
Cheating is one of those.
(ie: what you are doing)

2. Polyamory does not excuse agreements already made or agreements already in place. It can be a style in which to discuss making new agreements...

It is not: "oh I can do whatever I want and not be responsible for my actions too under the facade of a label! "

It is not: "ohh you are 'polyamorous' or 'pretty' or 'polka dotted', so thAt is why you can just walk in, troll-lol-olo-loll all over my relationships, and walk out like a boss"...

It is: "I take responsibility for the relationships I create, and I love those people I am involved with."

(ie: What do you want? ethical polyamory?) I recommend it

3. It's your responsibility to be ethical to your loved ones, always. Including your wife & children... It's up to you.

4. Keeping your girlfriend a 'secret toy' from your loved ones will make your girlfriend feel like you are ashamed of her. & A host of other problems such as guilt. ect

5. 'New Relationship Energy' may be the excuse you need to try and explain this lapse of consiousness to your wife. Maybe If you take your time & really truly listen to wife & what her needs are, you two can work things out. Find 'needs vs wants' & where the flexibility is.

6. Try not to change add, subtract, multiply, divide, relationships until everyone romantically involved is aware, it's polite + smart. Whats the rush?

7. There are no specific rules or set guides in polyamory...this is because it is your responsibility to create a situation that will work for you & your loved ones & to constantly maintain that communication that relationships require to make sure you & your partners are happy.

7. I may go so far as to say that this woman you are with may claim to be 'poly' but she seems rather confused herself. She explained that she is poly After having sex?? Did you two talk at all? I mean, thats not poly, that's horny... You are also not a baby, you can speak for yourself..

8. ...Which is okay, people make mistakes we are not perfect & not always thinking rationally when sexually frustrated, however, that does not give this woman the right to create a guilt laden situation. You need to take control of your relationship/s & your situation for yourself.

9. If you are already doing what you want to do, then do it by all means

You both should do more research in my opinion...
Best wishes to you
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 11-14-2011, 11:06 PM
whyimhere whyimhere is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: in saskatchewan where everyone thinks its flat
Posts: 10
Default

i needed to shout out and be heard, i had nowhere to turn. dear senga, thank you , thank you to all , i needed answers to my situation and i found them. you are all great people.

Last edited by whyimhere; 11-14-2011 at 11:13 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 11-16-2011, 01:21 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,724
Default

So did you stop cheating on your wife?
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
cheating, nre

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:32 AM.