Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-09-2011, 01:45 AM
Times2 Times2 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Wild, wonderful West Virginia
Posts: 22
Smile Hello from C and D

Hi. I am a poly noob too. I saw that term on a previous thread and thought it was cute and figured that I would use it since that is exactly what me and my husband are. We have the real thing. Our kind of love is the truest of the blue. We have been married for nearly 10 years now, (thanks to Anthrax)`long story. We have been sexually involved with another couple the entire length of our marriage and love them dearly, but we are looking for a more committed relationship just for me and him. We have discussed seeking out a third person for our family for the last few years. I was the one who brought it up to my husband who at first was pretty against the idea. He said that no one could come between he and I. When I explained to him that I wanted to love this new person like I love him and wanted him to love the new person as he loves me, a wife, or a husband, then he finally started to understand what it was I was saying. Though I love our other couple, our relationship with them started many years ago, for me it has been twice as long as my marriage to D, we don't have the kind of relationship with them that has been weighing so heavily on my mind. My husband is John Wayne straight and I am bisexual but we don't want just a new sexual partner. In fact, sex doesn't even have to play a role in it, not that its forbidden, just not required. We are looking for someone as committed to us as we are to each other. We want to court this new person and hope to fall in love and hope he/she falls in love with us. My husband and I refer to each other as each others' best friend. We want to add one to that. Part of the thinking that lead us here was what if one of us dies. How will the other go on? The one left behind needs someone to help them get through the pain. Someone to hold the hand and sooth the pain and love back to life and convince me or him to go on. This kind of sounds selfish but our hope is that this new person will benefit from us as well. We want a new member to our family.
Well, that's us. I hope to learn a lot and maybe even find the person we are looking for here.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-09-2011, 02:13 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

What if you meet an amazing woman and there's chemistry between all three of you and you start to build bonds and it becomes apparent that love had taken root between her and one of you -- but not with the other? Would you let that relationship flower or insist that she try to love you both or insist that the relationship end? This is a very common scenario.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-09-2011, 02:26 AM
Times2 Times2 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Wild, wonderful West Virginia
Posts: 22
Default

That is something that I would or he would have to accept. We have talked about just this issue for a long time. We would have to be adult enough and open enough to back up and search out own hearts for any feelings of jealousy or resentment. I could not make someone love me any more than he could make someone love him, let alone try to force someone to love the other. All of us, as a unit, would have to 'accept' the differences in our marriage. We don't want a short term, maybe it will work kind of relationship. We want another husband, or wife, another member of our marriage. That to me means the commitment I made to D, would be made to that person as well. And those he made to me, be made to her or him, and visa versa. I've seen this 'unicorn' term floating around and I don't know that I like it because it makes me think we will never find the soul we seek. But, I have hope. We tossed this around for a couple of years now. We just think it's time to act on it.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-09-2011, 03:00 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

First of all, forgive me for being so rude and not saying this at the start -- hello and welcome!

It's good to hear that you guys have thought about this scenario and are committed to honoring whatever love comes your way, even if it doesn't take the exact form you are seeking.

It is certainly not impossible for you to find a woman who's into you both, but couples often set out with these very unrealistic ideas of who such a woman needs to be and how it will all work. Thus the unicorn term, since people think they are looking for a real woman but are actually looking for an idealized imaginary woman to full a role, and are shocked when reality doesn't match with fantasy. Here are some good thoughts from the perspective of the potential new woman, that may be helpful for you: http://www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-09-2011, 12:24 PM
NathandDom's Avatar
NathandDom NathandDom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Springdale AR
Posts: 8
Default

We grok, Times2.
"We are looking for someone as committed to us as we are to each other. We want to court this new person and hope to fall in love and hope he/she falls in love with us."
We have had a hard time explaining this part to people at times most monogamists think of polyfidelity as polygamy and I have no idea how the general poly community views it.

That article was very interesting and thank you for sharing it AnnabelMore.
__________________
We are two bodies with one soul.
Polyamory ≠ Polycoitus
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-09-2011, 01:28 PM
Times2 Times2 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Wild, wonderful West Virginia
Posts: 22
Default

Thank you Anna for the link. Very intelligent piece. I believe that Nathan understands completely what we are looking for. I suppose that the kind of relationship D and I are talking about could be considered polygamy because for all intents and purposes, we are looking for a second wife or second husband, which ever we find, and all the responsibilities and benefits that would bring. I think this is something he and I have discussed for so long that we already, in our hearts have accepted a new wife/husband so now we just have to find him/her. I suppose the feelings we have could be compared to those of the polygamist fundamentalists Mormons without the religion part and there may or may not be sexual contact as that would not be a requirement. Don't get me wrong, I love sex and am bisexual but this is an affair of the heart we seek, not of the loins. So if you look at it in the context of polygamy, then this new person would take on the same role as any husband/wife with one of us or both of us, whatever the case may be. One of the biggest things that brought us here is the death of one of us. You hear these romantic stories of couples who are so entwined spiritually and emotionally that when one of them passes on, the other follows shortly thereafter. That would happen to us. The one left would grieve themselves to death. I have two grown children and he has two nearly adult children, we do not have a child together so if one of us dies, we will lose everything of the other. I want to make sure that there is someone there to lean on for whoever is left. So often you hear about a husband who marries within months after the wife's death or visa versa and everyone presumes the 'affair' was happening prior to the spouses death. I believe that it most likely wasn't and that these grieving partners are looking for someone to fill that void, that emptiness and anyone will do. This way, there is a prior relationship, one that has grown and flourished and everyone involved has had to chance to love and witness the kind of life the other may lead after a passing. I saw the term 'line marriage" in the definition section and it kind of describes it to some degree. Say I die first. D and his other wife, B, grieve for me but are very in love themselves and they go on and have a happy life together but the same worries come about for them. So they seek out yet another so that no one will ever be left alone. The find this person, fall in love, and again there are 3. I think it's a wonderful way to live and keep love alive.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-09-2011, 01:42 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,492
Default

This all sounds romantic, if a bit morbid.

You say you are looking for a wife or a husband, yet your husband is straight. So if you "brought in a 3rd to share" that was male, he and your present husband would not be sexual partners, just good friends at most. If he needed to lean on this guy for support if you died, how would that be different than leaning on any of his other guy friends or brothers that he has? Both men would've lost their wife.

You assume they would both then rather quickly find a new wife for them to share, to replace you? How is this different from your scenario where a widower remarries the first woman that comes along? What if they both instead got their own girlfriends or wives? Maybe one would want a new gf sooner, and the other took longer to get over your death and didn't want to date any other women for longer than the other guy?

Do you expect them to go out looking for women with the line, "We are both widowers of the same woman, would you be interested in taking her place?"
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-09-2011, 03:00 PM
countrygirl countrygirl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 17
Default

First, I want to wish you luck on your journey. I completely get what you are saying and applaud the openess of you and your husband to find this other person. My husband and I have brought a third person into our marriage. We started out as friends, and we both ended up falling in love with her, and she loves the both of us. We have often compared it to the love we share for each other. In fact, he refers to both of us as his wives, and we both refer to him as our husband.

I am sure you have thought about this, but I warn you of the emotionality of what you are embarking on. It is a very tricky scenario to get around. There will be times that jealousy and such things can take you to the brink of disaster. Even with the love all of us share, it can be a slippery slope sometimes. But, as long as everyone is willing to sit down and talk about whatever issues creep up, and find a solution that works for everyone, then you should be fine.

Again, I applaud you and your husband and wish you the best of luck finding what you are looking for.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-09-2011, 04:16 PM
Times2 Times2 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Wild, wonderful West Virginia
Posts: 22
Default

Thank you both for your replies. I am sorry it all sounds a bit morbid but it is how we got here. And Magdlyn, we have discussed this and you are right the most another man could offer my husband is companionship and friendship should it be me that passes first. And, of course, they will have both lost a wife. If they choose to meet and marry someone new then that would be their decision to make. And if they choose to end the 'sharing' upon my death, that is also their decision to make. The purpose isn't to continue the marriage, that is why it isn't exactly a 'line marriage'. The purpose is make sure that the one left behind has someone to lean on, either through companionship or intimate relationship, whatever the case may be. I just want to make sure my husband has a friend, someone who know him and knows what he needs to get through his loss. If we meet another man, then he will know exactly what D is going through and hopefully will be able to extend a friendship unlike his other friends could because he will have known and hopefully loved me as intimately has D has. If we meet another woman, then he will have her to continue to live for and she will help him through this hard loss even if she never felt anything other than deep friendship for me.
The same would be said of for me if D should pass on first.

We have thoroughly discussed all of these issues. We have not made this decision based solely on the eventuality of one of us dieing but it is what started the conversation and at first my husband said things like 'it could work but you would always be the most important one in my life.' Our conversations have evolved from that to 'when we meet her or him, we will know because I will love that person enough to call her my wife or him my best friend."

There are many reasons we have decided to find another. We have talked about the financial aspect of it the benefits to both that person and ourselves. We are a mature, intelligent and open minded couple who have room for another and love enough to share and know what we want. We know that communication is key. I don't look at it unlike meeting another wife or husband. I have made vows to D and he to me. We take those vows seriously and to love, honor, and cherish is first and foremost. We both have the expectation to make those vows to the third as well, though it would be a vow of friendship to a male on D's part. D has a very good friend in the male of our sm/bf couple. But he is devoted to his wife, not to me. We jokingly refer to him as my boyfriend and she as my husband's girlfriend but they are devoted to one another, we are wonderful, loving friends but are secondary to their family unit and their marriage. We want a third within the confines of OUR marriage, devoted to us and us to him or her.

I am truly surprised that a poly community seems to be a bit baffled by this or almost seems to be questioning my intent. If you aren't, then I apologize for the assumption.

I am here to make new friends and learn new things and see if my husband and I can make that ever elusive love connection with another. I appreciate all the input and if nothing else, my thoughts and intentions are really getting explained and put out there for the most upfront and honest way possible I guess. This can only be a good thing.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-09-2011, 08:33 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,492
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Times2 View Post

D has a very good friend in the male of our sm/bf couple. But he is devoted to his wife, not to me. We jokingly refer to him as my boyfriend and she as my husband's girlfriend but they are devoted to one another, we are wonderful, loving friends but are secondary to their family unit and their marriage.
See, I feel sort of sad that you 2 have a loving working quad situation but you'd toss it aside if and when you find your "third." Good friends, lovers and good (I assume) sex is hard to find in this life. Would it be so easy to let them go after all you've shared, if and when you find your unicorn?

For example, TL4everU2 here has a blog about his and his wife's long and frustrating search for another couple.


Quote:
We want a third within the confines of OUR marriage, devoted to us and us to him or her.

I am truly surprised that a poly community seems to be a bit baffled by this or almost seems to be questioning my intent. If you aren't, then I apologize for the assumption.
I guess, so many here that were partnered and newly opened to poly, that looked for a unicorn at first, for whatever reason, have been burnt really badly by it. What usually happens is, once NRE fades the unicorn starts to prefer one or the other of the couple, and major jealousy and hurt feelings ensue.
Quote:
I am here to make new friends and learn new things and see if my husband and I can make that ever elusive love connection with another. I appreciate all the input and if nothing else, my thoughts and intentions are really getting explained and put out there for the most upfront and honest way possible I guess. This can only be a good thing.
Good luck on your quest. There are as many ways to do poly as there are people practicing it.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
polygamy, triad, unicorn, unicorns

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:20 PM.