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Old 12-08-2009, 04:18 PM
krummi krummi is offline
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Default Greetings

Hi,

I'm a married man in my mid 40's. I've been married for eight years. I'm not really sure what's going on. Am I having some kind of midlife crisis? The seven year itch? I don't know.

I've had this restless (for lack of a better word) feeling for a couple of years now, and in order to try figure out what I've been feeling I did what anyone these days would do: I Googled it! Maybe the "interwebz" isn't the best source of good, solid information, but boy, did I find a lot of information! I seriously considered cheating on my wife, but the bottom line was that I couldn't bring myself to do that to her. I also realized that I wasn't just looking for sex. (Just a bit more background here: From all outward appearances, my wife and I are happily married. Unfortunately our sex life is almost non-existent (I have a fairly high sex drive), but we get along very well, and otherwise have a good relationship.) I started thinking along the line of "Why can't I have a girlfriend as well as a wife?" Which is pretty much what lead me to reading about polyamory. The more I read, the more intrigued I became. I've picked up a few books on polyamory, and am reading through them. The more I read the more I feel that polyamory resonates with my outlook on life.

OK, that's all fine and well, but what about my wife. Me declaring myself poly may make me feel better, and I'm better able to understand my own feelings, but that's only half (or maybe less) the battle. I can't even imagine the can of worms I'd be opening by starting this discussion with her. No, actually, I can imagine it, and it scares the crap out of me. The crucial, all important core of polyamory seems to me to be open and honest communication. Without that it hasn't a chance of working. So, I feel that's where I need to start. Perhaps I can start by opening up some more (non threatening - to her) lines of communication.

Sorry I've rambled on so long. If anyone is still with me, I'd love to hear what you think or might have to say.

Thank you for your time.

Krummi
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Old 12-08-2009, 05:50 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Wow...thanks for opening up. Others here have been in the same situation.
Welcome to the forums and glad to see you have a solid grasp on reality in regards to possible reactions by your wife. Sounds like you are on the right path. Read, question, and tread slowly.

Take care
Mono
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Old 12-08-2009, 10:36 PM
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cloves cloves is offline
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Default sounds an awful lot like me

Krummi,

I understand your frustration. I am very much in the same boat.

Well except that I'm female...and so is my life partner....so i guess it's not the same at all. hahaha
Welcome to the board
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Old 12-11-2009, 12:07 AM
Catfish Catfish is offline
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Welcome. You are in the right place. Even if you don't end up living a poly life, this group has a metric s*^t ton of wonderful advice.

And I totally second Mono's response. Tread lightly, be honest with your self and trust your instincts.

Bets of luck.
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Old 12-11-2009, 03:10 AM
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BloodGamers BloodGamers is offline
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Welcome.

I wish I could help, but I have no idea how to help your situation.
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Old 12-11-2009, 01:11 PM
krummi krummi is offline
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Thanks everyone. I will definitely take things slow and continue my reading (both in these forums as well as the few books I've picked up.) I will also continue to try to think up some non-threatening ways to broach the subject with my wife. I think it's important for me to have a very firm grip on exactly what polyamory is so that I can intelligently discuss it with my wife when that time comes.
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Old 12-15-2009, 04:12 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Welcome

Hi Crummi and welcome.
I hope you find good information here and meet some nice people. Seems to be no shortage of either.
Regarding your situation I'd only caution you about your real motivations. This is not a negative statement in any way ! Just a call to do some honest soul searching. It's obvious to see where you think a "poly" lifestyle might fulfill the sexual needs you mention. I think it's important to say that not only is that highly questionable motivation but it's not even a guaranteed solution.
The issue of sex is just a huge & complex issue - especially within relationships. I feel that the current culture overall is so disconnected with real sexuality that the solution is far out on the horizon. Probably not within our lifetimes.
Add to this the confusion of the role of sexuality within relationships and the whole problem just becomes that much more exaggerated. Many people tend to equate sexuality and love in a strictly one-to-one configuration because that's the culture we're raised in in the western world. For myself and my mate (and many friends), we've always found this about as credible as the moon being made of green cheese.
Your situation is altogether too common. The solutions unfortunately aren't - and "poly" is not likely to be either.
This is why both of us would be full supporters of legalized & controlled prostitution. Let the sexual needs stand alone where they need to and allow everyone to focus more on meaningful relationships and love.

Good luck.

GS
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Old 12-15-2009, 04:43 PM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Quote:
This is why both of us would be full supporters of legalized & controlled prostitution. Let the sexual needs stand alone where they need to and allow everyone to focus more on meaningful relationships and love.
I personally can't separate the two. I cannot have sex with someone who I don't respect and trust first. For me prostitution wouldn't be a valid option. I know there are others who feel the same. (Edited to add: I don't at all have a problem with prostitution and I think it should be legalized and controlled as well. But that's another thread. )

But I digress.

Krummi - I came to poly in a similar situation as you. In fact take this: (... From all outward appearances, my wife and I are happily married. Unfortunately our sex life is almost non-existent (I have a fairly high sex drive), but we get along very well, and otherwise have a good relationship.) and reverse it for us. My husband and I have been married for 11 years, haven't had sex in 7 of them. Several years ago, on the verge of an affair (mine), my husband and I separated. Technically I would say the relationship I had at that point was still an affair, since although my husband knew about it, he wasn't happy about it, didn't condone it, and actually moved out of the house for 6 months.

After that relationship ended, we had some long discussions, he moved back in and we agreed to try an "open marriage". I had a nearly 2 year relationship with someone else in a similar situation which ended this past summer.

In the meanwhile, my husband is now 100% comfortable with the idea that I am poly and that I will have a lover/relationship outside our marriage. I'm not sure he sees *himself* as poly right now, but I do know he's leaning towards looking for a relationship for his sexual needs. I think he's still struggling with some issues within himself and I'm respecting that and giving him space to work through them, while still being open to discussing it when he needs to.

I"m not gonna say it was easy or that we didn't struggle along the way (sometimes still struggle), but it is working for us. It takes a lot of communication though, and sometimes it takes knowing when *not* to communicate. Not everything needs to be said the moment you have the thought.

So keep reading, keep learning, and hang around here. Know that you're not alone.
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  #9  
Old 12-15-2009, 05:51 PM
krummi krummi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
This is why both of us would be full supporters of legalized & controlled prostitution.
GS
While I agree that prostitution should be legalized and regulated (hell, why not tax it while we're at it?) That definitely wouldn't help me. While the sexual aspect has been what's been driving me to look for alternatives, I don't see how going to a prostitute for sex would be any different than cheating. And quite honestly I'm looking a deeper connection than simply getting laid. Thank you for your comments and suggestions.

Crisare - Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Your experience gives me hope.

There is such a wealth of great information here that I feel very fortunate to have access to. And the people here are amazing and incredibly generous to share their wisdom and experience with the likes of me.
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