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  #41  
Old 11-17-2011, 10:18 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by Carma View Post
Hmm. Upon reading this, I'd say instead of spending a lot of energy figuring out where to have your next escapade with the guy 5 inconvenient hours away.... I'd spend some serious energy planning a hot date with your husband!!!
Yes, well, my husband never disappoints in bed. And we get there more often now that we've cleared the air and made things smooth between us.


I'm sure public restrooms and such are fine if it's quick hot sex you are after, but what I really want is kissing and cuddling, which isn't so great with only a sink and toilet for furniture. Typically, he passes through town on his way between his home and a nearby city where he owns a rental and spends time socially, so we often have only a couple of hours, and usually mid-day, kind of in that window between hotel check-out and hotel check-in, and too early for the movie theater. His car normally has luggage in the back (camping gear, whatever adventure he is heading to or from). I'm thinking next time I'll take the kid seats out of my station wagon and drop the back seat down, fill it up with sleeping bags... but it still feels weird, like we have to plan for petting sessions rather than letting things unfold as they would in a home. Can't really have a cup of tea in the back of the car. It's silly...

The other weird issue is that he is mono himself, and we both agree that he deserves more than I can offer him. This means when he finds someone he'd like to pursue a full relationship with (the kind where you can openly hold hands in public, travel together, and have real sex), I'll be relegated to a friendship role. Mostly I'm fine with this, but I worry that if he really doesn't feel like he can love two women at once, maybe his feelings for me are getting in the way of what he wants. His problem, I suppose. He says he asks himself if he's happier having this limited relationship with me than he would be if he gave it up, and there's no question.
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  #42  
Old 11-18-2011, 04:57 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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What about renting a mini van ...or full van?... day rates on those are cheap. Thermos of tea..DVD player. Leave the masturbation clean up to someone else.

Does the new guy know he's had " a fluffer type " effect on you and your husband ? If so how does he feel about that? At some point I'd think that would get old.
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  #43  
Old 11-18-2011, 05:52 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Van rental... I like that! He joked about buying a van rather than travelling by station wagon.

"Fluffer" makes it sounds like we are shooting porn. I don't think he is bothered but I will ask. I know the third man in my life is thrilled that he adds something to my sex life, however indirectly. I feel bad that neither of them (right now) have someone they can finish the act with themselves, but it's really up to them to decide if this is ok or not, I think. I sincerely want them both to find the devoted mono partners they seek, and I would back away if I thought I was preventing it. In fact, one of them told me I have been helping him a lot in that endeavor, by encouraging him to be honest (he says I "don't punish him" for speaking his mind) and letting him open up more, emotionally. He's kind of a shy nerd-type, so I'm giving him pointers and trying to shore up his confidence with women. And for me, the idea of helping him get to the point of having great sex with a woman he loves... that's a big turn on. Happy to "fluff".
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  #44  
Old 11-18-2011, 06:34 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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He's kind of a shy nerd-type, so I'm giving him pointers and trying to shore up his confidence with women. And for me, the idea of helping him get to the point of having great sex with a woman he loves... that's a big turn on. Happy to "fluff".
You keeping thinking like that you might have the making of a great sexual healer....I suggest picking up some Barry White, and Marvin Gaye CD's for the Van/mobile office.
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  #45  
Old 11-18-2011, 06:57 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
I feel bad that neither of them (right now) have someone they can finish the act with themselves, but it's really up to them to decide if this is ok or not, I think.
I just wanted to say I think you're right on track with this. Poly folk with mono folk and/or folks who have a primary and also have a secondary partner who doesn't have one, can fall into the trap of feeling guilty and like maybe they should cut things off for the good of the other person. But that's a condescending way to look at it -- as long as our partners aren't clearly suffering, we need to trust them to make their own choices. Good on you for recognizing that.
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The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #46  
Old 11-19-2011, 04:48 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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I just wanted to say I think you're right on track with this. Poly folk with mono folk and/or folks who have a primary and also have a secondary partner who doesn't have one, can fall into the trap of feeling guilty and like maybe they should cut things off for the good of the other person. But that's a condescending way to look at it -- as long as our partners aren't clearly suffering, we need to trust them to make their own choices. Good on you for recognizing that.
Funny, but the man I've loved for 20 years actually suggested to me a while back that I wasn't being fair to my newer love, by drawing him into a relationship where I can't meet all his needs (sexual or otherwise). I think maybe he was just feeling jealous, since that has always been his role -the would-be lover on the edge of my life. I don't think I have any obligation to worry about either of them, as long as I keep being honest about what anyone can expect. They're big boys -they can make up their own minds.

I should have given them nicknames on here by now. Anyway, I asked the one I was with this week if he minded his role in augmenting my sex life at home, and he is totally fine about it. Now I feel like just about the happiest woman on the planet. Life is buzzing with love and excitement.
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  #47  
Old 11-21-2011, 08:11 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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You're happy to fluff the bf's what about when your husband starts thinking about having an outside relationship or two .... are you ready for that? Are you good with that happening?
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  #48  
Old 11-21-2011, 09:46 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
You're happy to fluff the bf's what about when your husband starts thinking about having an outside relationship or two .... are you ready for that? Are you good with that happening?
At this point my husband cannot imagine ever wanting a romantic or sexual relationship with anyone he has no desire to be married to. I suspect even with me (the only romantic or sexual partner he has ever had) the desire to marry came first. So the idea of him having other relationships is so far fetched in my mind, I can only imagine it as erotically thrilling to me -the thought of passion overriding his scientific, logical mind. I suppose a host of other emotions would come up if it ever became a real possibility, but I can't predict what those would be. I would deal with them as they arose.

I'm having a hard time seeing the other two as boyfriends. In reading definitions on here I'd say they fit the "tertiary" description better than "secondary." Both want monogamous partnerships once they find the right woman, so I am hoping for long term friendships with this current phase of greater physical intimacy being temporary. I guess I'll feel some loss when either of them moves on, but getting this opportunity now is such a dream come true. I've only seen the one, once, since things opened up with my husband, but the feeling of freedom makes me feel good every day (and most nights, as my husband could attest). Our marriage has not felt this close or content in a long time.
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  #49  
Old 11-22-2011, 05:03 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Not to get repetitive, but... so happy for you guys, still.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #50  
Old 11-22-2011, 09:17 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Originally Posted by AnotherConfused View Post
the idea of him having other relationships is so far fetched in my mind, I can only imagine it as erotically thrilling to me -the thought of passion overriding his scientific, logical mind. I suppose a host of other emotions would come up if it ever became a real possibility,
Like!
This is how I feel about my wife, but with her I get excited when I see a hint that shes overriding her religious, traditionalist mind. For her, even holding hands with someone else other than me, is, I think, a long way off. Mind you, she's off on a business trip next month and a male colleague there has been in touch - I await news of that with interest, - I hope he asks her out for dinner/coffee or something, and I hope she goes!

She gets her traditionalist thinking from her parents. Now it would be my ULTIMATE one day, to see their faces, (if she had a boyfriend that is), when she introduces her boyfriend to them !!
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Last edited by bassman; 11-22-2011 at 09:42 AM.
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