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  #1  
Old 04-16-2010, 10:02 PM
biglover biglover is offline
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Question Broken Rules?

Hello there everyone.

This is my first post. My partner and i have been slowly piecing together being in a working open relationship. We have rules and such and some very easy ones that i want to touch on.

1 shower after you've been with someone before you see each other again.

2 change the bedding that was used.

Now i firmly believe that out of cleanliness and courtesy that this is not a lot to ask for. However, I have come into a problem.

I had someone over and had laid out a duvet cover to as a splatt mat so to speak. After the engagement was over, the duvet was removed and replaced by a clean one.

now the problem is that when the question came up several days later, i was asked if i had changed the "sheets". I replied yes i changed the duvet that we fooled around on.

You see she was worried because she had come into contact with the bed while taking care of me sick in bed.

THIS IS WHERE I HAVE APPARENTLY BROKEN A RULE.

The actual intention of the rule was to change everything regardless of whether it had been touched or not. I did not understand the absolute detail of this and was accused of purposely breaking a rule. especially since i did not at least warn my partner that the "sheets" hadn't been changed.

I was sick and not mentally aware,but how can i warn her of something if i thought i was doing everything right? We raged in a long dispute that bore no good and left me with the first and worst panick or anxiety attack/ pain in my entire torso i have ever encountered.

I understand now the implications of how upset she is and i've apologized, but i feel wrongfully accused of being a rule breaker. She has said she doesn't know what to do with all this and neither do i. I have never in my life had an "attack" as the one i am still enduring. on top of this she wants me to wash her leather jacket because it may have been in contact with the opposite side of the duvet cover i messed around on.

Is this an overreaction to a small detail, or is it legitimate? I have spoken to some other friends and they have said i'm in the right, but is there some giant poly no-no that i just committed?

Lost and bewildered...


PS I think i put this in the wrongforum earlier. sorry
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  #2  
Old 04-16-2010, 11:56 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It seems that you had a little miscommunication, but now that's out there so you know now and can move past it.

But, it sounds like your partner has other issues going on, re: the "cooties" that may or may not have gotten on her jacket.
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Old 04-16-2010, 11:59 PM
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assets assets is offline
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What is she afraid of? Cooties?

Sorry to make light of the situation but it seems to me that she's overreacting just a bit. Why is it such a big deal. You changed the part of the bedding that came into contact with the person in question. Is this really what she's upset about? From what you've said and not really knowing either of you or the whole situation it sounds to me like there is something else that's bothering her and this was just the easiest thing to latch on to and freak out about. I think that you and her have some more talking to do and figuring out just how comfortable she is with this situation before it goes any further...
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Old 04-17-2010, 12:05 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by biglover View Post
Is this an overreaction to a small detail, or is it legitimate? I have spoken to some other friends and they have said i'm in the right, but is there some giant poly no-no that i just committed?
The only "absolute" poly no-no is going behind your partner's back, lying about being in a relationship, because that's cheating. Everything else is based on agreements between the people involved, which vary from relationship to relationship.

My suspicion is that your partner is reacting more out of insecurity about the whole poly thing, and using the bedding (and jacket) as something to fixate on.

The reason is, I just can't understand a reasonable person getting THAT mad and STAYING that mad over bedding. If you made a mistake in misunderstanding the rule, and you've apologized and promised not to repeat the mistake, then that should be the end of it.

When I was new to poly, I used to jump on all the stupidest little things because I was insecure about my partner being with others, and rather than dealing with my feelings, I was trying to tell myself it was all good. Eventually I realized that fixating on small "concrete" details was a coverup for dealing with my feelings.

It's always touchy to talk to your partner when you suspect they may not be being true to themselves, but that might help. If she's not ready to admit it, she may deny it and insist that it's just the bedding that she's upset about.

In that case, all you can really do is keep saying sorry about the sheets, get her jacket cleaned, even go the extra step and have the bed steamed if that will make her feel better, and hope that next time is better.

Has your partner met the other woman? It might help if she realizes the woman is a real person, not just a faceless cootie-maker
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-17-2010 at 12:18 AM. Reason: merge posts
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Old 04-17-2010, 12:34 AM
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Firedancer Firedancer is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post

When I was new to poly, I used to jump on all the stupidest little things because I was insecure about my partner being with others, and rather than dealing with my feelings, I was trying to tell myself it was all good. Eventually I realized that fixating on small "concrete" details was a coverup for dealing with my feelings.

Has your partner met the other woman? It might help if she realizes the woman is a real person, not just a faceless cootie-maker
I agree with this! I definately was jumping all over my partner at first about every little thing. I even had a girlfriend of mine tell me I was overeacting. I realized it was true, and even though there are still little things that are bothersome, I make it a point to talk about my feelings the moment we have a spare moment. This definately sounds like something deeper is going on. Is she involved with anyone else? Do you live together?

And I also agree that maybe they should meet if they haven't.
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  #6  
Old 04-17-2010, 01:29 AM
biglover biglover is offline
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it is indeed the sheets. and more so the betrayel of trust because that rule was broken to her. she has met the other person in question and all is known. (this was not cheating, all was known b4 the incident occurred)

I have apologized and offered to do these things she's asking to make her happy tho i feel one may be costly and unneccessary.

it really is just a misinterpretation of the rule. and i think you may be right about letting the details control something deeper that mey be in question. i will look into that.

I hope to speak calmly with her tonight. thank you all for the advice. to her credit she has apologized for being SO cross with me. so i think we are on the right track.

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