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Old 11-08-2011, 12:44 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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To follow up on my earlier post -- since monogamy is the norm, poly takes a certain ability to break away from norms. If people are willing to examine the way they love, they are more likely to also examine the way they think and react. Also, the ability to manage your jealousy is invaluable in poly, whereas it's more possible to skate by with uncontrolled jealousy in monogamy.

For both of those reasons, I think you're more likely to find poly people who have examined their darker feelings, especially jealousy, and worked on managing them. That causes a false perception that requiring monogamy means you haven't examined yourself and aren't managing your jealousy.

But the way I see it, the enemy is the all-too-common tendency of people not to examine their modes of living and their thought patterns. The enemy is not any particular feeling or mode of loving. So to say that the need for monogamy is driven by unhealthy (to me, unexamined and unmanaged) jealousy is to mistake correlation for causation.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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Old 11-08-2011, 12:51 AM
UnwittinglyPoly UnwittinglyPoly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 20

AnnabelMore, thank you so much for your thoughtful comments--EXACTLY the type of dialogue I was looking for. It may take me a little bit to digest everything you (and others) have said, process it and come up with a reply that does justice to your words. Add the fact that I'm in a bit of a relational management mode today, and my response will be further delayed. But I absolutely will come back to this, as I'm VERY interested in fleshing it all out in my head. Again, thank you very much.
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Old 11-08-2011, 01:44 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Location: In Redpepper's heart
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I can't speak about anyone else but the root of my monogamy is my natural inclination to focus all romantic loving energy into one person.
When I think of monogamous relationships, such as the ones I have had, the desire to have that singular focus returned to me had nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity - it was rooted in wanting to have love communicated to me in the same manner as I was communicating it to them. Sharing their heart or body with another simply wasn't a part of that.

The concept of insecurity and jealousy being at the base of monogamy totally makes sense to me in a poly atmosphere however. It vilifies the behavior that prevents a non-monogamous partner from achieving the freedom they want. Inversely, a monogamous partner who vilifies the poly desires of their partner as promiscuous or non-committal also makes sense in a monogamous atmosphere.

Not all people will feel negative about the different approaches to love their partner has. There is no blanket that covers people as a group - this issue is individual based.

The concept of jealousy and insecurity for monogamy has as much validity as the concept of being over sexed and non-committal forming the base of polyamory......Neither are wrong 100% of the time but both can be very right.

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
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Old 11-08-2011, 05:50 AM
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vanille vanille is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: New Orleans, Louisiana
Posts: 76

I'm going to play devil's advocate. For no reason other than I can.

I have been in a mono relationship for ten years. We are extremely happy and healthy in our relationship. We embark on polyamory for no other reason than to give it a try and shake things up a bit.

Ten years and we can actually still conceive a future of monogomy because we love each other that much.

My point is this though: we were not always so great. We have surpassed many obstacles. We met as teenagers and thus became adults together. We tackled every problem thrown at us (jealousy included) and with EXTREME dedication and hard work, got through it all.

Now, if we chose polyamory five years ago when we faced those problems, it could be conceived that we actually put in less effort to our relationship and took the easy way out (found someone else who could satisfy us). This could actually be unhealthy.

Instead, we took a look at what we needed from eachother. And we have spent the last ten years perfecting that. We love eachother that much.

So, all I am saying (and this post may in fact not be pertinent at all) is that at least in our case, polyamory would have been more unhealthy than monogomy had we chosen to do so back then.

I really hope this makes sense. Cause it is late and I might be rambling.

(also, not sure if it matters, but we are both atheists so we have no religious binds)

Last edited by vanille; 11-08-2011 at 05:52 AM.
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Old 11-08-2011, 06:18 AM
gleegirl1203 gleegirl1203 is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 21

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
But we're all the same bunch of fucked-up human beings trying to heal and find our way in the world.
nycindie- I love this.

I really have nothing else useful to add to this thread.
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Old 12-26-2011, 01:51 AM
UnwittinglyPoly UnwittinglyPoly is offline
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 20

It's been a while since I've visited this topic. While I do have more to say, I haven't the time to give it the attention it needs. I do feel that some of my perspective does have merit, and I would like to continue the discussion, but since I can't right now, I'll cede my point as being in error. If I come to a point where I can give the topic the attention it deserves, I'll re-engage the discussion. Thank you to everyone who posted--you've all given me much to think about.
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mono vs. poly, mono/poly, monogamy, philosophy, poly theory, polyamory vs. monogamy, theory

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