Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-05-2009, 01:49 PM
greenearthal's Avatar
greenearthal greenearthal is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Buffalo, NY
Posts: 208

Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I think intimacy and sexual connection are often confused as being synonymous. They are intricately tied to one another in many ways, but that doesn't make them the same thing.

Some relationships have more of a sexual connection than an intimate connection. Some relationships have more of an intimate connection than a sexual connection. For me, different relationships have different proportions of each.

Some people can't feel intimacy without a sexual connection. Some people can't feel a sexual connection without intimacy. Some people don't need intimacy to have a deep sexual connection. Some people don't need the sexual connection to have a deep intimate connection.

Either way, all of these ways are great and wonderful ways to connect to another human being. So if the level of of sexual affection feels right and happy for both, then that is the best outcome you can have. Yay for not trying to force it into something it doesn't need to be!
frame it and post it on the wall.
me n the band, singin our song
Reply With Quote
Old 12-05-2009, 08:09 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,505

Very well put Ceoli... It's funny though becuase sometimes I feel a little off too in trying to explain to people.

It seems like SEX is the hot topic when we talk about relationships. Maca was saying to me that he thought it was because sex is a universal sign of affection.
I told him I'm not sure that's true. I can't say it's NOT-because I don't have enough knowledge on other areas of the world to begin to guess (and by other areas I don't even just mean other countries-I'm stuck here in freezerville! LOL).

But I think it hasnt been a true sign of affection for that long in the BIG picture.
I also think that it's not central to the MAJORITY of our "loving" relationships (child/parent, siblings, many friends...) so it seems to have an unreasonably high amount of attention paid to it in relationship to it's importance in relationships in general.

Now-please don't misunderstand me. It was a HUGE deal for me that if I were to get married (which I did) the man would HAVE to be compatible with me in bed, because a satisfying sex life is a requirement for me in life. But when I explain that the other things are ALSO so important sometimes it feels like.... I don't know-people just don't understand....

(not anyone here per se-just in general)
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 12-07-2009, 01:57 AM
ladyjools's Avatar
ladyjools ladyjools is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: scotland
Posts: 175

i am highly sexed, so sex is big part of my relationships. I tend to go through phases though when i have lots and when i have not as much,
but, i do value intamicy in other ways prob as much sometimes more than i value the sex. I need the other connections more, the hugs, the shared intrests and time just holding hands etc...

to me it seems perfectly ok to not need sex that much even if i am highly sexed myself

Reply With Quote
Old 12-07-2009, 02:22 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,658

I am much like you ladyjools. Highly sexed. Its not uncommon for me to have sex everyday sometimes more than once. My problem lies in remembering that that kind of closeness makes me feel closer to people than is sometimes comfortable for them. I am able to be very close with others physically and really like that and feel comfortable with that but people are not always open and comfortable with me in their space.

Fortunately I have worked hard at this and am doing really well at giving space. My next step is to be close to people and not feel like I am obliged to have sex with them. Sometimes I desire it, not for the last year since meeting Mono , but have in the past when I haven't been getting enough. I really want to be able to have close intimate friendships that don't require sex. That would be the ultimate for me does that make sense? Heh, let me know if it doesn't.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 12-07-2009, 02:26 AM
Legion's Avatar
Legion Legion is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 95
Default life loves, NSA (non-sexual affection :P )

One of the great loves of my life, "M.", would fall under this thread. She was part of the catalyst "Maia" from the story in this thread that sent me down the poly path. We have to this day still never had sex. She sent me a message the other day saying that she wanted to come visit and I haven't talked with her about it yet but I hope to see her soon!

I was thinking about my current situation. That is, I am currently sexual with one person whom I informed I was poly. She said that was fine if I wanted to sleep with other people but she only wanted to sleep with me.

Last I knew, Maia had met a wonderful guy (her words, I have yet to meet him) so she might be involved... or she might not. I was thinking about the possibility that she might be single and if so I still wouldn't be engaging her sexually just because the possibility it could put Bee at risk (and myself). Which makes me wonder if Maia and I are ever destined to be sexual or will there always be one thing or another keeping us from that union? Or is there some psychological barrier keeping us (such as a fear that if we have sex our feelings/relationship dynamic might change)?
Often he had been often bound with fetters and chains, and the chains had been rent asunder by him, and the fetters broken in pieces: neither could any man tame him...and he asked him, What is thy name? And he answered, saying, My name is Legion: for we are many.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-07-2009, 08:29 AM
Sweetheart's Avatar
Sweetheart Sweetheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: in my mind
Posts: 125

I am an extremely affectionate person, which can be overwhelming to the people close to me if there aren't many of them! It helps that I have many children to lavish with affection.

As others have said in this thread, I am also a highly sexual person, which can be overwhelming to my lovers if there aren't many of them! For me, 2-3 times a day is normal, once a day is acceptable if I'm feeling tired or unwell, and missing a day is virtually unheard of. If I'm feeling horny, look out! I also find that there is a certain level of intimacy brought about by sexuality that deepens my relationships. However, the time spent lovingly doing things together other than sex is the relationship itself.

We make time for that kind of stuff. Playing board games or card games together after the kids go to sleep, cooking a meal together, doing a puzzle as a family, getting grandma & grandpa to watch the kids for a while so we can have a date outside the house, holding hands while at the grocery store... the little stuff (that's not actually so little).

That's where the love is.

OK, well, actually there's a lot of love in sex too.
Reply With Quote
Old 12-07-2009, 01:25 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 4,128

Hm. My libido goes up and down. When my 3 highly spirited kids were little, it was practically non-existent, b/c I was just touched out by them. Breastfeeding and cuddling them and co-sleeping (we practiced attachment parenting) left me w little desire for sex w my husband.

Once the kids got a bit older and were finally sleeping thru the night, my sex drive came back w a vengeance! I had thought it was gone for good. The last 10 yrs of my marriage were highly sexual, even tho we didnt get along in many areas and finally broke up.

One of the areas of contenetion was my tendency to get crushes on other people, movie or rock stars, or actual people I knew.

So, the last 12 yrs, I have had a v strong sex drive. I just love it, and I love getting attention from people who are interested in me sexually, as well as emotionally and intellectually. This is something I am working on this year, my first yr of freedom from a marriage that became terribly tiresome and stultifying.

I'm a woman of a certain age. I look OK for 54, but I know I've got an expiration date... I have to admit it's flattering to get hit on by younger men on okc.

So, yes. I want sex daily (if I dont get it from a partner, I will jill off). It's an important part of a relationship to me.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, 37
Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2009, 01:59 AM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Michigan, United States
Posts: 111

ohh, this thread so helps on a question I was haivng in another, awesome folks, thank you for sharing.

I understand much better what some of the folks were saying in the bi women thread.

It seems I've not had the privaledge of such a relationship yet, I look forward to hopefully experienceing one some day
Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2009, 02:18 AM
River's Avatar
River River is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: NM, USA
Posts: 1,897

Ceoli's post # 2 was quite refreshing, and goes a long way toward letting us all off the hook. That is, it helps us to recognize that all of our relationships are both unique and ... well, just as they are. We don't have to force standard categories upon them. Thanks, Ceoli.

bi, partnered, available

River's Blog
Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2009, 02:23 AM
crisare's Avatar
crisare crisare is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 172

It was a HUGE deal for me that if I were to get married (which I did) the man would HAVE to be compatible with me in bed, because a satisfying sex life is a requirement for me in life.
Which is exactly what led me to poly - becasue my husband and I are NOT compatible in bed (and it took us many years to figure out that was what was wrong) but we still love each other and want to be married.
Reply With Quote

commitment, contentment, love, nonsexual affection, passion

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:09 AM.