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  #21  
Old 11-05-2011, 06:51 PM
Starlight Starlight is offline
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Thank you all for the advice and support! His trips are starting to get expensive, and he has only taken two to go see her I don't have a job, I'm a stay at home mom and no family to be with me. I have a friend here who likes to help out but when my husband is away, I try to avoid her since she doesn't know about all of this.

I normally would like the idea of pumping and having my husband give bottles, but he has to change shift every two months and so sometimes he may not be home to do that for me. I co-slept with my son and it was wonderful, I never had to really get up with him, just roll over and fit a boob into his mouth and he was good to go So night feedings probably won't be to much of a problem

My husband asked if I would like to have another relationship and gave me the green light, but I don't feel comfortable with it. Maybe sometime in the future I might find that I would like too, but for now, I'm so body shy and embarrassed to do anything intimate. It took my a long time to finally get comfortable with my husband, which he blames on my strict upbringing. My mom wasn't the friendliest when it came to sexuality.

We still try to get out without our son and have dates. Just depends if we can find a babysitter. So not very often I think I am going to get him to take me on a nice date since he went off for the weekend
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  #22  
Old 11-05-2011, 07:11 PM
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I do think it might be good for him to come here and read this thread, get some perspective from other people on the whole situation, and he could also share his thoughts about things.

Also, maybe the gf could save up and come visit him now and then, so that the expense for keeping the relationship going doesn't fall all on your family's budget?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #23  
Old 11-07-2011, 12:15 AM
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If you are confused, trying to deal with the hurt he caused you over cheating, dealing with jealousy and raising his kid and growing another, I think he needs to slow right down. Not to mention it sounds like you can't afford him going to her all the time. It sounds like he should be going at your pace not his. Many poly people call this "going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most." That would be you. There is no shame in that or guilt. It just is part of adapting to a new relationship dynamic.

I am really surprised at how well you seem to be taking all this. Most people in your situation would lose their mind and are very valid in doing so. You are a rare bread, but that doesn't mean that you should suck down your emotions and do as you are told without thought to what works for you and is going to be healthy for you. Its so important to keep checking in with yourself about how far you are willing to be pushed....

btw, Sorry, maybe I am just cynical, but I think they have already had sex... everything you have said points to that... mostly the fact that he cheated. Cheating is lying and if he cheated, that implies sex and also implies that he has lied to you before. I don't think I would believe that the two of you have never had sex outside of your relationship. You haven't maybe, but I think I would not speak for him as I don't believe it.

Meeting her is a really good idea. It seems that the success rate of poly relationships relies on metamours knowing each other and being able to interact even if its seldom.

The tag that Mags suggested is "children" or "kids" you might want to look at the tag "cheating" too. You can find the tags in the search engine on the tool bar.
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  #24  
Old 11-07-2011, 05:56 PM
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Thanks everyone again for the replies. Me and my husband had a HUGE talk heart to heart about everything. I feel much more at peace with all of this. I think I was finally able to explain my feelings to him thanks to coming here and talking to you all. We talked for HOURS, it was amazing! I felt so loved and safe

I went ahead and told him if he wanted, him and her can go ahead and have sex. I no longer have an insecurity about it and even if they did or didn't in the past, it is behind us now. I feel like I had a lot more understanding of him! I just feel so at peace with everything and I think a lot of it had to do with coming here and typing out my feelings. He has read the whole thread and it seemed to really hit home and help him understand how I was feeling. Because of that, we were able to address all of my problems and solve them together. Why I felt jealous about this and why I felt insecure about that. It was such an eye opener.

I know I may still get pangs of jealousy, but I honestly believe I am over the worst of it. He said that if I change my mind or feel like it is still not to my liking he would try his hardest to make me more comfortable. Thank you everyone for all the support and advice! It has really helped talking to you all

Wanted to add real fast that I will let you guys know how it goes when I finally meet his GF face to face I have texted with her and video chatted with her but never actually seen her myself so I'm really excited to finally meet her for real

Last edited by Starlight; 11-07-2011 at 06:06 PM.
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  #25  
Old 11-07-2011, 06:22 PM
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Just make sure that you aren't stuck at home doing all the childcare, washing, cleaning, and cooking while he is getting his jollies. It shouldn't be about "Woo-hoo, my wife will take care of me and the kids, and I get to have a girlfriend!"

He needs to remember that having an additional partner means that he needs to romance you, too, take you out on dates, AND share duties in childcare and housework. Your role in his life shouldn't be all about household drudgery and taking care of the babies while being with his gf is all about sexy fun. I hope he realizes that, and that you realize you must make sure to ask for the attention you need.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-07-2011 at 07:42 PM.
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  #26  
Old 11-07-2011, 07:27 PM
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I agree with NYCindie, its great that you have worked some stuff out, but make sure there is balance. If he gets to have a girlfriend and go do fun stuff, what are you going to do for fun and excitement? Take a course? Go out with friends? Take up yoga? Its helpful to have this balance.

My husband took up writing and has an active blog now as a result. He also has now started university on line. I have other partners and he has what he needs in life also... its been an amazing journey for all of us as a result. Before our relationship was about staying at home watching tv (okay, we had a baby then) and now we don't even own one because we both took our lives into our own hands and do so much more stuff on our own and together.
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  #27  
Old 11-07-2011, 08:24 PM
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I agree! We talked about that too. His girlfriend said she would love babysit for us so we can go out on a date or two while she is here. He also helps around the house whenever he can or if I ask so that's cool too. He still flirts with me and tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am He also still makes some sweet love to me so, as of right now, I don't have any complaints. Though I promised myself and him that if I felt bad about ANYTHING, I would talk to him about it.
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  #28  
Old 11-08-2011, 12:01 AM
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So glad to hear the thread was helpful and that the two of you are in a good place! Congrats!

I'm very curious -- was anything in the thread a surprise to him or a special cause for conversation, or did the whole thing generally just help you guys open up to each other?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #29  
Old 11-08-2011, 02:43 PM
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The whole thread in general helped us a lot but there were a couple of points on when I was trying to express myself that finally seemed to sink in with him. It made me very upset that he had hurt me and was determined to make it right. So far he is doing a great job! I went from feeling jealous and inadequate to being able to joke about his other relationship and tease him a little without the slightest feeling of something being wrong.

We were usually very easy going people so when we were upset and struggling to understand each other it added to the problem. But finally that understanding came to us and now we are our old selves again, joking and flirting like we were before all of this.
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