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  #11  
Old 11-05-2011, 01:46 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Wow, I want to ask, how old are you two and how long have you been together?

A 3 month separation for his job is bad enough. Then come to find some other chick's panties in his laundry! And then he says he's "poly" which means he cheated on you and told you later. 2 different things.

Now you're knocked up accidentally and nauseated and probably very fatigued and have this new person to consider who is going to turn both your worlds upside down. And he's still flying off to cavort in the nude with his new gf?

They make out naked? Hmmm, maybe they're not having intercourse, but I'd have to think they're having orgasms together.

You might NOT be so good at love making now, since you're feeling normal first trimester illness and fatigue. Soon youll be huge and then youll have a baby and be sleep deprived and falling in love with your baby. Will he be jetting off to see gf all that time, leaving you alone with the breastfeeding and diapers and spitup?
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  #12  
Old 11-05-2011, 06:39 AM
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Insane00illusions Insane00illusions is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starlight View Post
I found out because he went to a training class for work and was gone for 3 months, when I was unpacking he clothes to wash them, I found her underwear in them wear she had tossed them at her clothes pile but got mixed up in his.
This seems so dishonest which is the opposite of polyamory. I know there are two sides to everything and things like this can be worked through. In my experience a relationship needs to be really strong to go through the changes and new stresses of polyamory. I've been told in the past that if there are any underlying issues in a relationship that polyamory or an open marriage will bring those issues out.

I don't want to be a downer but from what you have written it seems he has not treated you very well, and he needs to do things your way and slow himself down.

I'm sorry but if he was with another girl without your knowledge it was cheating, even being poly doesn't excuse dishonesty
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  #13  
Old 11-05-2011, 10:11 AM
Starlight Starlight is offline
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We are both 24 and have been married for 5 1/2 years. We were dating for about 3 years before that. He tried to tell me a long time ago but I didn't listen.

I don't think they make out naked, she is in a one room apartment and so the times he was naked was when he was changing or getting ready/out of a shower.

She plans on moving into a bigger place as soon as possible and my husband is excited for it so that we can go together to visit her instead of him going by himself. He feels bad when he leaves me here which is why he leaves just for the weekend instead of a whole week.

I don't want to doubt what he has told me, but some of the things you guys have said makes me wonder now Am I being blinded by my love for my husband and letting him get away with things? I certainly hope not
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  #14  
Old 11-05-2011, 10:19 AM
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Insane00illusions Insane00illusions is offline
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I'm a firm believer that no one ever knows what happens between a couple except that couple, and they likely see it differently. Its maily about how you want to proceed with your relationship.

Honesty is the most important and boundries, if he doesn't respect your boundries then that not only disrespects you but it disrespects the life you have together. He can't just do what he wants to make himself happy and leave you to "deal with it" while he hides behind a poly lable.

I'm sorry if I misjudged the situation, but thats how I see it.
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  #15  
Old 11-05-2011, 10:58 AM
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Aww Starlight, just so you know, I am 56 and have 3 kids right around your age, 20, 23 and 25. So, as a mama, I am going to continue to comment.

You and your h met at age 16 and got married at 19? You were both virgins when you got together and have only ever had sex with each other?

Is the gf also in her early 20s, maybe even younger than you 2?

So, now your h is getting some ants in his pants. I am not saying marriages where both people are virgins and only ever have sex with each other for the next 60 years doesn't happen, but it is rare, especially in this day and age.

I would say you and your h definitely need to establish firm boundaries for his relationship with the gf. Was he with her in a close relationship for most of those 3 months he was away? It sounds like they were practically living together, in her apartment or in his hotel room. sigh... I am very glad he confessed to the cheating. I am also glad you like her and even want to cuddle with her.

Please do a tag search on here for "children and polyamory." There is much to consider as far as him having a gf while you are pregnant, and especially once the baby is here needing round the clock care well into toddlerhood. Do you have a good social support system in place outside of your h to help with the baby while he travels for work or for... sexy lovey time with the gf? Does she even know you 2 are now pregnant?

At the very least you need to make 100% sure he and she are practicing safe sex when they do get to that point.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #16  
Old 11-05-2011, 11:17 AM
Starlight Starlight is offline
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Yes, we got together at 15, married right before our 19th birthday. We have never had sex with anyone else, we met at such a young age and instantly fell in love with each other. I think his gf is 21? maybe 22 im not sure.

She knows I'm pregnant and is actually super excited and says that if she lived closer to us she would come over and make whatever it is I'm craving and help take care of the baby or our 2 year old son.

They got together in the last 2 weeks that he was in the class I think, she was also in the class, its how they met, and she was moving at the end getting ready to live in a different area. I told him if he ever were to have sex, it was to be with a condom even if she were to test herself, I just don't think I can handle it otherwise. Maybe in the future but not right now.

She really is sweet from the times I have talked to her, I don't want to be mad at either of them. I want this to work out between all of us. I understand people can make some bad choices, we're human! I don't want to judge the two of them on one time in our life. It's just I'm still feeling hurt over the first time I found out about all of this (and the random bouts of jealousy). My husband is trying to help me, but usually we automatically understand one another so now that I'm trying to explain my feelings, I'm not doing such a great job at it. I feel like half the time, I'm just confusing him.
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  #17  
Old 11-05-2011, 11:59 AM
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It sounds like this is a great chance for you both to work on your comunication skills.

About your fear that he'll discover you're bad at sex -- first of all, if you two enjoy sex together now, you're doing it right.

The gf almost certainly will do some things differently than you, and some of that will almost certainly not be to his liking as much as what you and he do (time top explore each other counts for a LOT) but some things with her he might like better. This might be a bit much to think about for now, but... whatever new/different ways of making love he discovers with her, you two can then choose to use if you'd like, to enhance your own sex life. Like, if he were to discover that he really liked a certain type of stimulation, or being held down or something like that, just like he can re-invest his giddy NRE into his relationship with you, he can also use any new discoveries to spice up your sex life.

Do you think you might ever choose to take a second partner yourself?
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  #18  
Old 11-05-2011, 02:51 PM
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I think it is wonderful that you are at least trying to understand what it is he is going through and trying to adapt. I will tell you from my experience, that it is not an easy road to travel. It is one that our triad deals with on a daily basis. To me, it is a process to be gone through at a pace you are comfortable with. Rushing someone who is not ready for the full-fledged gammet of poly can only lead to trouble for everyone involved. I love the fact that you are at least open enough to ask questions and try to gain an understanding to make things better...kuddos to you, and good luck!!!
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  #19  
Old 11-05-2011, 04:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Ohhh, you two already have a toddler! So I guess you manage to parent that child alone, somehow, while he's away on long business trips already.

But yeah, I can totally understand your jealousy now! You're home, not only pregnant, but dealing with a child who is at a very trying age, and he's off living "single" and forming a very intimate life with another very young woman.

Do you have a job outside the home? Family nearby to help with childcare, and who can care for you as your pregnancy progresses? How often does your h plan to fly far away to see his gf? How easy is it to afford these trips?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #20  
Old 11-05-2011, 05:56 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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He's a lucky, lucky man, to have such a loving, open wife.

I'm thinking that even if you don't want another relationship for yourself, a situation where he gets a periodic break from toddler-pregnancy-baby is setting you up for resentment down the line. I hope you'll make sure to give yourself the same luxury. Leave him home with the kid(s) sometimes and treat yourself to a nice hotel, a girls' night out, whatever. Anything he spends on airfare, etc. to be with her, you deserve an equal amount for your own pampering. (Buying cute baby clothes doesn't count. It should be for you!) Invest in a good breast pump so he can take over night feedings from time to time.

Make sure the two of you get special times together, too, of course. His relationship with her should not take away from what he has with you.
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