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Old 11-04-2011, 08:05 PM
Starlight Starlight is offline
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Default I have some questions...

and was wondering if you all can give me some advice. My husband recently opened up to me and told me he is poly. At first, I was upset, I felt like I wasn't enough (sometimes I still feel like that) But then, I thought, just because I'm not this way, doesn't mean it's fake. So I decided to trust him and learn to let him be who he is. I love him, and because of that, I don't want to lose him or smother him.

We talked a lot about all of it (some of it leading to heated discussions but were resolved) but I still feel like I'm not understanding fully. I guess maybe I will never fully understand since I am mono myself. I feel stronger in our marriage now than ever before. It's me who he comes home to everyday, me he has stayed with, me who he shares a life with. but even so, I still get jealous. I don't know if these feelings of jealousy are real feelings or if they are pregnancy induced (we just got pregnant from our make up sex from finding out he was poly, go figure)

I know he loves me, but because of the jealousy, I'm terrified one day I'm going to loose him. That one day he is going to find someone else who he loves more. We have talked about it, but sometimes I feel like I can't describe how I feel accurately to him while I'm still upset about my current feelings. He always tells me he loves me more than anything and that he would be mono for me, but I don't want to try to change him. I have noticed since coming out to me about all of this, he has been more relaxed and happy. I don't want to take that away from him.

But I feel like I am still smothering him. I can't seem to let go and let him be in a relationship without me interfering. I just found out that, while they have not had sex, he has been walking around in the nude around his girlfriend. I got upset because I wasn't told about this sooner or wasn't asked if it was ok, but then felt like a controlling witch immediately after thinking that. I felt like I was losing control of the situation and thus, becoming close to losing my husband.

I'm sorry for the novel, if you got through it, then thank you very much! I guess I just needed to get it off my chest and ask for advice on how to let go and feel better about all of this. Or for someone to tell me it's just new pregnancy hormones and I need to chill out
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  #2  
Old 11-04-2011, 09:07 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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If your agreement is that he should tell you before they progress to new levels of intimacy then it's natural to feel upset that he didn't do so. He should treasure your open-mindedness and commitment to his happiness and be careful not to tread on boundaries. However it does seem like he chose to tell you eventually, so that's good at least.

I think it's fair to ask him to be patient and slow as long as you're genuinely working on becoming comfortable with more intimacy between him and the gf. After all, two adults in a romantic relationship, sooner or later physical restrictions are going to make the "forbidden fruit" appeal so great that they'll probably either have to be miserable all the time, split up, or break his agreement to you, and I'm sure no one wants any of those things.

Jealousy is natural, probably especially because of the pregnancy, but it's all in how you deal with it, and it definitely can get easier with time. There are some great resources here for managing jealousy and for mono/poly relationships: www.morethantwo.com

One question -- are you friends with the gf? Many people find that helps.
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Old 11-04-2011, 10:14 PM
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Insane00illusions Insane00illusions is offline
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I think it's great that you are being so openminded and working through the problems that you are having with this. And I'm certain that your husband does feel more relaxed at having opened up to you about all of this.

I firmly believe that everyone should go at the pace of the most uncomfortable person as long as that person is truely working on their issues. So it really helps to set up clear boundries. If you would rather him not do certain things until you are comfortable let him know what those things are.

For example my boyfriend would not be comfortable with me jumping into a sexual relationship with someone else. I know he feels that way So anyone that I even consider seeing knows that it may be a long time before things get sexual. I am starting to see someone knew and his wife is uncomfotable with us holding hands (because we are pagan and that is like a direct connection to each others energy, very intimate) so we respect that and don't hold hands. Since she is open with us about what she is ok with it helps draw clear lines that we don't cross making everyone feel more comfortable.

I also know couples who have written down their boundries just to keep things clear. If you can get to know his girlfriend and come to trust her too that would also bring a huge weight off your situation.

Keep us updated on how things are going. Congrats on the new addition to the family *hugs*
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Old 11-04-2011, 10:31 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Yay! Congrats on the baby! I'm pregnant too! Babies everywhere!

I have nothing else useful to add. Good luck with your situation. It sounds like the two of you are trying to be understanding of one another.
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:12 AM
Starlight Starlight is offline
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Thank you for the replies! We haven't really set up solid boundaries, only sort of talked about what happens when they actually go to have sex. But it seems maybe this is moving a little fast for me to get used too. He doesn't seem to think so and says I have placed myself in a bad situation where I'm not accepting what could happen between the two of them, like I am waiting to deal with it instead of going ahead with it. I can sort of see where he is coming from but at the same time, feels like my feelings are being ignored. I just found out about this 2 months ago and not under the best conditions (discovered him cheating on me with this girl) At first I was really upset, but have since come a long way, but because of what happened, I just wanted some control of what was happening because of me being surprised with this situation. I felt like I couldn't control anything in my life at that point and so now I'm having difficulty with it. I am learning to deal with my emotions/feelings/thoughts and I try to open up to my husband each time I think it might be needed so I don't bottle it up inside. I guess a lot of it is jealousy, but only because I never thought I would have to deal with something like this before. We are (so far) each others one and onlys when it comes to sex and I had always thought it would be so. I'm scared he is going to have sex with someone else and realize I suck at it or something. He says not to worry since he thinks I am great at it and have had years to learn each others likes and dislikes. but it still scares me

I agree that meeting her will help, I want to meet her really bad! I hope we get along and while I am not poly and I am straight, I would love if we could all three of us be cuddly together (I'm a huge cuddle fan) and be friends. She plans to come visit at the end of the month I think, so we will see how it goes.

If you don't mind me asking, how far along are you MichelleZed? I'm only ten weeks so still have the morning sickness going on
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:15 AM
cheryl cheryl is offline
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I dont mean to sound cynical or stir up doubt, and I'm new to poly-relationships and how they progress. But I can't imagine any situation where I would just happen to be walking around someone's house or apartment nude and no sex was involved, unless you live in very hot climate. Which makes me think that he is not really all that comfortable with his poly-ness. Maybe you are feeling insecure not so much because he has this other relationship, but because you sense you are not getting the whole story. If he expects you to trust him about important matters (that he is committed to loving you and your baby), he can't lie about other things, just to make it easier on himself.

I may not know much about all of this and am still struggling myself with things like jealousy, but from the stories I've read here, even the most unusual relationships can work if people are honest.
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:21 AM
Starlight Starlight is offline
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Yes, I can see where it would seem weird they haven't done anything yet, but she has told me herself that she isn't interested in having sex and if they were to ever do it, she has a 4 month rule (which they have been together for about 2 and a half months) I asked my husband if he was lying to me about it, that I wasn't going to explode on him if he told the truth, and he says they haven't so I trust him. If I don't trust him, then why would it worth it to stay with him if I am always forever questioning his word? I don't want to live like that. I told him that was a part of me accepting this life style, we had to be completely honest with each other or it was over
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Old 11-05-2011, 12:45 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey SL, I'm sorry you had such a rude introduction to poly. I think you're dealing *remarkably* well, considering. I hope he appreciates you like you deserve.

Some questions to try to understand this whole situation better... how did you find out he was cheating? What activities was he engaging in with her, or was it mainly emotional infidelity? Has she apologized to you for starting something with him knowing he was in a closed relationship, or did she not know? How often is he seeing her now?

If you told him that certain types of activities were specifically disallowed for the time being, or that you wanted them to see each other only X times per week/month for now, would he be willing to accept that?

Sometimes clear boundaries can be good while you're still in the process of coming to terms with something. I agree with him that you're shooting yourself in the foot by saying they can have sex when you're not ready for it. That means that if/when it happens, you'll feel betrayed even though he hasn't done anything "wrong"... why set both of you up for that? Why not make it a solid boundary for the time being, even if they think that probably-definitely-maybe nothing is gonna happen yet?
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Old 11-05-2011, 01:01 AM
Starlight Starlight is offline
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I found out because he went to a training class for work and was gone for 3 months, when I was unpacking he clothes to wash them, I found her underwear in them wear she had tossed them at her clothes pile but got mixed up in his. She was in the middle of moving and was staying with him in the hotel room during the move. From what I understand, it was emotional with some making out. She did know about me, and hasn't said she was sorry to me directly but my husband said she felt extremely guilty about the whole thing which I believe since she has been very nice to me the few times we have talked and tries not to butt into the time that me and my husband are sharing together. My husband doesn't get to see her much since he has to fly over to see her. He is actually currently over there for the weekend. This will be the second time he has gotten to see her since he got out of the class, so I feel bad for trying to restrict them when they are already so far apart
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Old 11-05-2011, 01:24 AM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starlight View Post
If you don't mind me asking, how far along are you MichelleZed? I'm only ten weeks so still have the morning sickness going on
I'm at 33 weeks... but I hear ya on the morning sickness! For most women, it does get better, and it did for me. I hope it happens for you, too! Hang in there.
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