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  #11  
Old 11-04-2011, 08:09 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Not to in any way diminish what anyone else has said, cuz I think you're all 100% right, but to me one of the biggest red flags is that it sounds like from NB's most recent post, this guy is completely incapable of verbalizing his rationales and motivations without contradicting himself, and when he gets called on it he disengages entirely. Maybe he's a pathological liar, or maybe he himself is truly incapable of aligning and facing his thoughts. Either way, the problem is something deep and beyond what anyone who loves him can fix unless he's willing to recognize the core issue in himself that's causing him to act this way and seek counseling/treatment.

Also, the thing about NRE is that you generally don't know that you're in it, any more than you know why you feel depressed or bitchy before your period unless you've experienced it enough times to clearly know your own patterns. It usually takes someone from the outside to help you see the signs. So, don't assume that you're looking at this guy with a clear head, even though a whole six months have passed...

I'm not saying your love isn't real. But you can love someone and know they're not right for you to be in a partnership with right now.
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  #12  
Old 11-04-2011, 08:17 PM
naturebug32 naturebug32 is offline
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MichelleZed - I appreciate your point of view and it is definitely worth thinking about. However, J's estranged wife took herself out of the picture long before even B was in the picture, by going into some sort of depression after giving birth to their son. She refused to come out to take care of the baby or herself, leaving J to take of them both before and after work and to come home from work during lunch break just to take care of them both. Even J's mom will attest to this. J carried on in this manner for almost 2 years before he met B. She moved in and started taking care of J's son after B's dad kicked her out. J admits even now that B isn't the one for him and that's why he's dated other women. He's afraid if he breaks up with B now then no one will be there to care for his son. (he and I work and no money for daycare)
J's estranged wife still refuses to come out of her room and still won't care for their son, she's been this way for over 7 years. She's trying to get better and is working with her doctor's to get her out on her own.

B has serious emotional issues stemming from her past... please read my original message for an example of what she does that shows the imbalance. People don't generally sit around telling exactly how they are going to kill someone, while shaking with anger. Also she is nice as pie one minute and then snapping at people the next, putting J's son in time out for things he didn't do or say...etc. Maybe part of it is from dealing with J's bs and all the girls he has dated since she moved in, I don't know... but she definitely isn't stable.

J kicked her out of bed with us, directly because I asked him to after she did that whole killing description scene. Had you seen her describe it in detail, with her mannerisms and anger, you'd at least be a bit shaken if not down right terrified.

Right now we're trying to find a compromise for the whole sleeping situation, but I definitely do not want her in the same room with me while I'm sleeping.

Last edited by naturebug32; 11-04-2011 at 08:21 PM.
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  #13  
Old 11-04-2011, 08:37 PM
naturebug32 naturebug32 is offline
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Annabel - you're right J does contradict himself a lot. He doesn't always disengage, but when I've called him out on other inconsistancies he concedes that he sees the contradiction and tries to explain. But he does disengage a lot too... I'd say it's about 50/50.
I don't believe him to be a liar really, he tries to tell me everything. Tho he hid from me that he was still seeing C, it could also be seen that I had something to do with that by the way I complained when she did stupid stuff. After a while he started hiding it to keep me from bitching. Was it right...no, but it's what happened.
I think part of his inability to communicate accurately and deal with confrontation at all has to do with the autism. I've seen others with high functioning autism act the same way. Though I'm not excusing his refusal to try at times... I'm really just explaining how I'm thinking on these things.

One of the most recent contradictions he made is that he said that B knows that she'll be around for the rest of his life. To me meaning that she's not going anywhere.. not sure if that means that she'll be his gf forever or if that just means that she'll be involved in his life in some way. But in the next sentence he says he wants to marry me no matter what it takes. Too completely different paths, right? I don't know, I almost want to ask him if he wants to marry me, would he consider a monogamous relationship with me if we do get married. Is that wrong of me to ask?

with the NRE, I have been through it quite a bit especially recent years.... I've started realizing when the warm fuzzies are fading. Tho it's possible some of the stragglers are skewing my view of things...
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  #14  
Old 11-04-2011, 08:40 PM
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Is there anyone in this 7 year old's life who is a functioning mature adult? The whole situation sounds like a gong show. Adults are free to do whatever turns their crank but I have to say that I'm pretty concerned about the child in this situation.
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  #15  
Old 11-04-2011, 08:45 PM
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He does realize that he's harming his kid by having his primary caregiver be someone insane who punishes him for no reason and goes into murderous rages, right? As hard as it may be to contemplate, the little guy would probably be better off with a grandparent, aunt or uncle, someone...

Let me say it as clearly as I can -- it is dangerously irresponsible to allow someone unstable to be your child's caregiver. If someone called social services, they could make a strong case for having the child removed from that situation.
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  #16  
Old 11-04-2011, 08:49 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"I don't believe him to be a liar really"
"After a while he started hiding it to keep me from bitching."

If my boyfriend asks me if I'm seeing someone else romantically. And I know he won't like it if I say yes. So I say no. I. Am. Lying.
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  #17  
Old 11-04-2011, 09:10 PM
naturebug32 naturebug32 is offline
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I realize what you two are saying about dangers of her being the primary caregiver while being unstable. We are working on her getting a psych to talk to. In the meantime, he actually does stay quite a bit at Grandma's.

Let me be clear that we are all very careful about not having words or anything while J's son is around. He is not privy to much of any of what I've said here, other than that I stay there too. Yes he does get put in time out for the wrong things, those instances are usually cleared up and B apologizing to him.

I'm asking for help from this board to clear my own head, so some of what I say is going to biased since you all are only reading one side of the story. Please try not to jump to conclusions when something is said. I encourage you to ask me questions for clarification if it'll help you work me through some of this, I'll do my best to clarify so I can get the most from what you're saying. Thanks.
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  #18  
Old 11-04-2011, 09:22 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Six random, poly-friendly strangers are all telling you that there are major red flags here and that this guy is bad news unless he makes big changes. I really don't think it's that we don't understand what you've said, I think this is just an objectively bad situation. We can't help work you through to a solution where there isn't one. I'm sorry.

I can understand why you may be eager to second guess yourself and assume that our pessimistic advice is because of your biased account. But give yourself and your writing abilities some credit. You're not being unfair, this is just a really problematic situation and a really problematic guy.

If he's willing to change things... ok. Maybe he can break these patterns and build the life he says he wants with you. Maybe. If he's not willing... or not *able* because this may just be an aspect of his condition that will never change... really, really, really not ok. Not healthy, not safe, not cool.

Again, see my comment about loving someone but knowing a partnership with them isn't right for you.

In your romantic history, is there a pattern of people and situations that have been bad for you?
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 11-04-2011 at 09:24 PM.
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  #19  
Old 11-04-2011, 09:28 PM
naturebug32 naturebug32 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"I don't believe him to be a liar really"
"After a while he started hiding it to keep me from bitching."

If my boyfriend asks me if I'm seeing someone else romantically. And I know he won't like it if I say yes. So I say no. I. Am. Lying.
I realize that he lied and I called him on it. However, I believe I gave him a reason to lie that time. And to be fair I never actually asked him if he was still seeing her, I just assumed. I shouldn't have assumed and he shouldn't have hid it. We're working on it...
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  #20  
Old 11-04-2011, 10:20 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by naturebug32 View Post
However, J's estranged wife took herself out of the picture long before even B was in the picture, by going into some sort of depression after giving birth to their son. She refused to come out to take care of the baby or herself, leaving J to take of them both before and after work and to come home from work during lunch break just to take care of them both. Even J's mom will attest to this.
Shame on him and his mom for not getting the wife to the doctor for Postpartum Depression. This is a serious condition that can have tragic results. Personally I would consider this neglect and irresponsibility on the part of ALL the adults in this mom's life. Great that he stepped up and cared for the kid, but that didn't negate his responsibility for getting his wife immediate medical help.

Agree with other posters, this guy has serious RED FLAGS and seems to thrive on drama in his life. Time to deal with the real issues, which all center around J himself.
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