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Old 12-04-2009, 09:00 AM
jellybean jellybean is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2
Default Apologies

I guess my first post should have been in introductions. I'm new to the whole forum thing, so I hope you can forgive my lapse.

As earlier stated, I'm not new to poly, just this relationship. I have to be honest, it has been a huge struggle for me. I love my partners. They are a warm loving couple that have invited me into their lives.

I guess my issue comes from not knowing if what i'm saying, doing, thinking is right. I try to say it right, do it right, think it right, and yet somehow it seems to come out wrong.

I have watched what I thought was stable loving relationship between my partners unravel right before my eyes. Jealousy, accusations, blame. What was once stable, is now filled with arguments and strife. So I'm asking myself, did I cause this?

We went from being happy in each other's company, spending time together, to not being able to be in the same room without someone crying. I know it's not a healthy evnironment.

I went into this relationship with my eyes wide open. I thought I knew what to expect, and was willing to accept the consequences if it didn't. I've always known that if the primary relationship didn't work, our relationship couldn't work.

I have been true to myself and their relationship. When I saw an issue arising between the two of them, I've stepped back. Allowed time for them to discuss it, work it out, do whatever they had to do. On some levels this worked, on some, it didn't, and still doesn't.

I know this is all vague, and probably needs some examples of what i'm talking about. I just feel it's too long to go into with my first post. If anyone has any comments, I'd certainly be willing to listen.

Thanks for reading my post.
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Old 12-04-2009, 02:29 PM
Posts: n/a

If they invited you into their lives and can't handle the realities of what that entails, than it is most certainly their fault, not yours and you are not the cause of it. If if one or both of them are blaming your presence for the problems they are experiencing in their own relationship, then they are not taking responsibility for what is theirs. Alas, this is not a unique situation people face when entering into a relationship with a couple.

Without knowing more about what you're describing and based on what you're posting here, I can't see a good reason for staying in such a relationship.
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Old 12-04-2009, 03:17 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default First attempts

Hi Jelly,
Yes - like Ceoli mentioned above, these kind of things are pretty common. Also the source of a lot of the horror stories that prevent a lot of people from even attempting it. Kudos to you for at least trying ! Brave soul
A lot of this comes from "ignorance" and I certainly don't mean that in any negative way- but in the true sense of the word. A lot of people attempt things based on ideal & philosophical concepts. What most people aren't aware of - or maybe don't give sufficient weight to - is the difficulty & level of knowledge required to accomplish it. In the particular case of "poly" it's going to mean some deep digging into everyone's motivations and is going to force exposure of those - and any weaknesses & insecurities that we have. Some of these things we've pushed to the background and never been "forced" do deal with. Others will be things unique to a lifestyle like this and totally (or relatively) new. Things we've never really given much thought or study to.
Now some of this stuff has been forced to the surface. I think it's a wonderful thing personally. Knowledge of life and of OURSELVES is seldom a bad thing. Long term it's real helpful. How you three handle this "discovery" phase will impact everyone long into the future.
I guess I'd like to hope that having resources like many of the wonderful people here that HAVE been there, suffered the pains of discovery etc and come through them to something potentially better will serve as some small assurance that it IS possible.
But it means work. If everyone is willing - the rewards can be significant. If not, I hope you all walk away - not with condemnation - but with more knowledge and self awareness that will still have long term benefits. An experiment tried - and failed. Not because it's impossible - just maybe impossible for the particular individuals at that particular point in time/evolution.
Good luck. We're behind you to help any way we can. People here on the forum have a wealth of resources they can point you to for education & understanding and working through all the inevitable challenges.

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Old 12-04-2009, 04:28 PM
windmarkbob windmarkbob is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Racine, WI
Posts: 19

I'm a fairly confrontational person in cases like this, so if it were me, I'd probably bring it up and start a conversation about what you're seeing/hearing/feeling when it comes to their behaviour toward each other. Get it all out in the open. If things go from bad to worse, walk away for a while if possible, or put as much distance between you and them as you can. Either it'll get better, or not, but you are involved, and you probably do have every right to say, "hey, guys, I'm here, and I'm beginning to feel like an interloper who's futzing up what I thought was a damned good thing between you two, and feeling this way, is WAY UNACCEPTABLE to me. any suggestions?" And then just see what the hell happens and play it by ear.

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