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  #11  
Old 11-03-2011, 06:35 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Ahhhh, .....give him time.

My husband had some similiar issues, when he realized he also, really only cared to be emotionally connected to me. Oh my lord, some of the fights were ridiculous. I think he had three major meltdowns in total.

We survived. He accepted the difference between us was just that, a difference. It had zero to do with how much passion I felt for him, how much I loved, and cared for him.

Basically only 'time' helps them, as you then have the chance to prove to them through your actions, that you love them just as much, if not more then ever.

I think they call it 'making new history'.
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  #12  
Old 11-03-2011, 06:46 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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So much fear! But what is he afraid of? That you'll love him less? That you'll leave? Or does he even know? If he really thinks that love for one person takes away from love for another, then why the heck did he go down this path in the first place? Maybe he's just generalizing from his experienced to yours... maybe he found he really *couldn't* feel romantic love for twp people at once, so he assumes that you can't really do so either. He needs to understand that you and he may well be wired differently emotionally. Or maybe it's not that rational. But he needs to try to understand where the fear is coming from.

If things had happened to work out with him and his other partner, you all wouldn't be having this problem now, and it's not your fault or your gf's fault that it didn't. Kudos to you for not just dumping her right away when he balked... you're absolutely right that, aside from hurting both you and her, it probably would've caused damaging resentment in your marriage.

The fact that he likes and trusts her should make this situation all the easier, not more of a "threat"! It's a shame he sees it that way. I do think spending some time together all three of you might be a good idea, maybe he can begin to develop some compersion for you two.

But for that to happen, or for this to get better period, he has to be open to the idea of letting it... Has he done any reading, our is he willing to? There's some wonderful resources here: http://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html
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  #13  
Old 11-03-2011, 07:57 PM
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Organizing time seems to be a good place to start and all spending time together. Especially if you were all friends before. His husbandly traditonal role seems to be getting in the way of creating equality and space for you and her to establish yourself. Its hard to let that go when its all you know.

It does sound like he is experiencing some denial. It sounds like he is not fully conscious that you are in this and that you are all in this. I wonder if there will be a melt down when he realizes that this isn't going away and that he has no control over what happens or what is happening.

When he's past that the best case scenario is to reach a place of working together with HER to be the best partners they can be. In addition it helps for you and him to be the best support to her also. You as the hinge have a lot on your plate (speaking from experience ) to keep the balance. It will also become their reponsibility to do that also. That means planning dates, offering up time to each other by looking after the kids etc. Creating a win-win situation of consideration of each others feelings means everything stays positive and abundant rather than grasping at time and feeling like love and closeness is scarce. I wonder if he is coming from that place now actually.
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  #14  
Old 11-03-2011, 08:11 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LuciaLost View Post
Im not sure how to allow us all to negotiate healthy boundaries without letting his emotions take over our decision making. We occasionally get so frustrated with the situation and his outbursts of jealousy that we talk about ending our marriage. At the end of these heated discussions we acknowledge that we still love one another and want to do the hard work it will take to make our marriage and poly lifestyle work. But it feels like Im putting in the hard work and he is just feeling sorry for himself. Can someone help me? I feel lost and I dont know where to go from here....
I'll suggest letting him deal with his own problems. Let him know that it's not a good thing to try to make his problems yours as he does. Love him and support him as he deals with his issues--and keep in mind that they're his issues and not yours.

I suspect he's feeling inadequate because his lone foray outside the marriage failed, as if a single misconnection indicates any great lack on his part. Yes, he'll feel hurt for a while--that's part of the grieving process. He's also now free to figure out what things he would change about himself to better connect with others and be able to get what he wants and needs. He can learn from what didn't work and search anew. Or not, if he can honestly say that he just isn't capable or interested in multiple relationships.

Whatever his choice, however, doesn't provide him with any standing to make such a decision for you. He can ask if you're interested in a mono arrangement again and that's all he can do. If you choose to continue on with multiple connections, he can only choose to stay with you or leave.

There's nothing that excuses his attempts to manipulate you. I'll suggest not enabling that in any fashion by calling him on it when he does and then continuing on as if he hadn't. Schedule your time with her as you would without him attempting to manipulate you out of it.
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  #15  
Old 11-03-2011, 08:14 PM
LuciaLost LuciaLost is offline
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Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. Its taking me a bit to get through all of the replies and respond, because I really want time to read each one and put thought into my responses. I feel like the direction both of my relationships go will hinge on my actions, so I take my next steps really seriously. Im working my way through with the intention to reply to everyone. I appreciate the responses. Its already been SO much to process but its given me alot of direction and focus to my thoughts and plans!!
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  #16  
Old 11-03-2011, 10:15 PM
LuciaLost LuciaLost is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Lucia, why not ask your hubs to come here and read the thread so he can see in black-and-white what you're going through, and how others have responded. Not to say that you haven't communicated well enough to him, but sometimes seeing the written word makes a different impact. Maybe he can contribute his side and get feedback, too.
I actually gave him a call at work earlier and suggested it. Im not sure how receptive he will be but its a great suggestion.
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  #17  
Old 11-04-2011, 12:18 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LuciaLost View Post
Its already been SO much to process but its given me alot of direction and focus to my thoughts and plans!!
That's what we're here for.


And we'll be here all week!....and the week after that, and the week after that...
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  #18  
Old 11-04-2011, 12:39 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LuciaLost View Post
Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. Its taking me a bit to get through all of the replies and respond, because I really want time to read each one and put thought into my responses. I feel like the direction both of my relationships go will hinge on my actions, so I take my next steps really seriously. Im working my way through with the intention to reply to everyone. I appreciate the responses. Its already been SO much to process but its given me alot of direction and focus to my thoughts and plans!!
Take your time. We're a talkative bunch here, huh?

I do wonder just how much your NRE can be controlled, so that he feels less left out. (I was on the other side once, dh with a gf he couldnt stop talking about, more dating and goo goo stuff than I expected), and it freaked me the hell out. If you are seeing your gf more than once a week, maybe slow down to a once a week overnight and try not to keep telling him how fucking great she is and how happy you are.

Take HIM out on a hot date, give him a massage, sexy text him from work. Have lots of sex. Make sure he knows he is still very important and attractive to you too!
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 11-04-2011 at 11:36 AM. Reason: left out a key word!
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  #19  
Old 11-04-2011, 02:11 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I would only add that you should pay special attention that your words match your actions.

Talk gets cheap real fast in this.


Good luck D
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  #20  
Old 11-04-2011, 04:51 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LuciaLost View Post

He said his attempt at a relationship failed because he didnt feel the need to emotionally invest in this person. That he was okay with the sexual part but he felt the emotional side was meant for me and he couldnt let go of that.
I guess maybe he felt if it didnt work that time, it never would? Ive asked him a few times if it was maybe a premature decision to quit, and he has wavered but only slightly.

The main reason we chose poly is because both hubby and I have bisexual interests. I have always had a strong attraction towards women. He had never experimented with men, but he had alot of fantasies involving that and was interested in trying. We had agreed that our primary relationship would be hetero and same-sex partners outside of our marriage would be acceptable. The main reason is because they would be fulfilling something our primary relationship cant. My attraction to women is clearly physical, but a huge part of it is emotional too. My husbands attraction to men seems to be sexual for the most part. Our difference in this way seems to be what he is having trouble accepting. Its not a surprise to him, as I did date women before I started dating him. But its been hard for him to accept.
I don't know what everyone else has said yet because this part of your post really stood out to me and I wanted to comment before my train of thought got derailed.

It seems to me that your husband didn't connect emotionally with this particular individual. Usually when people are dating they don't connect on the same level to every single person they date. I was wondering how comfortable you would be in lifting the same sex only for outside partners rule for him. It might give him more opportunity to connect with a person (regardless of gender) if there was one fewer box to check.
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