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Old 11-02-2011, 08:58 PM
LuciaLost LuciaLost is offline
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Default one person going back to mono.... help?

I apologize in advance if I am a little scattered. Its hard to get all of my thoughts on the same page right now.

My husband and I made a choice earlier this year to begin a poly relationship. I had put it on the table for him to explore his own sexuality and interests he had outside of our marriage. I had no issue with staying mono with him while he explored a bit. He insisted that he wanted it to be completely open (both of us seeking partners) because otherwise he wouldn't feel comfortable enough to explore. So we made the choice together to move forward with this lifestyle. We set some boundaries and had alot of very thorough discussions about how we would proceed. We each found partners quickly (part of the stress for him is how fast it happened). His partner ended up being a very short lived sexual relationship and has already ended. Mine is with a woman that Ive grown very connected with.

My husband has not pursued a new partner. At this point he feels he could not allow himself to emotionally connect with anyone but me. I feel bad at times because Ive already connected so strongly with my girlfriend. He sometimes puts the pressure on me to break up with her and go back to our mono life, but at this point I just CANT. I have to remind myself that we made this choice together. His feelings may have changed but the choice we made together doesn't change.
I'm endlessly patient with him. Reminding him that I love him as much as I always have. Reassuring him that he fulfills my needs, when he wonders if she has "something" that he cant give me. I remind him that the reason I started this relationship was because he gave me the green light to be emotionally available to someone else. He gets so lost in his own feelings that I think he forgets that both my girlfriend and I are emotionally invested in this process as well!

I dont know how to guide him through this alone I try to do what is right, but its not ONLY about him. I need to share my time between them and make sure they both know they are valued parts of my life.
I feel like his way of "feeling better" is to pull in the reigns and try to control my relationship with her. He said that the more often I see her the more opportunities Im having to emotionally connect with her. That he is more comfortable if I dont see her as often. Its hard to accept those types of controlling actions.

Im not sure how to allow us all to negotiate healthy boundaries without letting his emotions take over our decision making. We occasionally get so frustrated with the situation and his outbursts of jealousy that we talk about ending our marriage. At the end of these heated discussions we acknowledge that we still love one another and want to do the hard work it will take to make our marriage and poly lifestyle work. But it feels like Im putting in the hard work and he is just feeling sorry for himself. Can someone help me? I feel lost and I dont know where to go from here....
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Old 11-03-2011, 05:33 AM
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Considering this has only been a year I think that it might needs more time. Its all new to all of you and things settle over time. NRE lasts for sometimes over a year for one... not only NRE over poly, but NRE over your new gf. Its hard work all this, but it all settles in time.

Did he think that this was going to be all sex? Some people struggle with their partners developing sexual relationships and are okay with emotional ones and some people are okay with their partners developing emotional relationships and not sexual ones... what are his thoughts on that? Maybe he didn't know or didn't think that this whole thing would involve being attached emotionally and that has come as a surprise to him, a threat.

Does he spend time with your gf? Do you do things all of you together? Sometimes it takes the threat away when metamours know each other well and can empathize with them and therefore be willing to consider that they have feelings and needs too.
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Old 11-03-2011, 06:09 AM
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Well, first off, welcome to the Forum.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuciaLost View Post
My husband has not pursued a new partner. At this point he feels he could not allow himself to emotionally connect with anyone but me. I feel bad at times because Ive already connected so strongly with my girlfriend. He sometimes puts the pressure on me to break up with her and go back to our mono life, but at this point I just CANT. I have to remind myself that we made this choice together. His feelings may have changed but the choice we made together doesn't change.
Sometimes stuff happens, and people change their minds, but it seems a lot harder to go backwards when there's other partners involved. In marriages or long term mono couples, it's often easy to be used to making decisions in a vacuum...where most things only affect the couple. It sounds like your hubby hasn't reckoned that your mutual decisions will have an impact on other lives than just you and him, especially a decision to cringe back from poly.
It's good that you've kept your gf in mind and how it might affect her, although I wonder if you've asked yourself if you'd be willing to go back to a mono marriage if it was only you and your husband to consider?


Quote:
Originally Posted by LuciaLost View Post
I'm endlessly patient with him. Reminding him that I love him as much as I always have. Reassuring him that he fulfills my needs, when he wonders if she has "something" that he cant give me. I remind him that the reason I started this relationship was because he gave me the green light to be emotionally available to someone else. He gets so lost in his own feelings that I think he forgets that both my girlfriend and I are emotionally invested in this process as well!
It sounds like your husband has not broken free mentally from some of the classic scripts. It's can all be good to discuss the theory of things, but when it comes to putting things into practice, or confronting real situations, we cannot know our reactions until the events are upon us. Sometimes we're not as prepared as we think we were, or old habits or feelings resurface whether or not we want them too.

Your patience is excellent, but at some point I think your husband is going to need to come to terms that things like your having another partner doesn't necessarily mean that your lacking for anything in him. Or that it can be an acceptable and even healthy thing if his paramour WAS providing something he couldn't or wouldn't.

Reprogramming scripts though, in my experience anyways, takes some time, and a lot of reflection, and it's driven by the self, not the spouse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuciaLost View Post
I dont know how to guide him through this alone I try to do what is right, but its not ONLY about him. I need to share my time between them and make sure they both know they are valued parts of my life.
I feel like his way of "feeling better" is to pull in the reigns and try to control my relationship with her. He said that the more often I see her the more opportunities Im having to emotionally connect with her. That he is more comfortable if I dont see her as often. Its hard to accept those types of controlling actions.
You need to do what's right for you...it's really all any of us can do. And if part of that is standing up for yourself against what you perceive as control, more power to you.
But there is also the balance that needs to be struck between partners, and perhaps to make sure your marriage stays healthy for the long run as well, which may mean doing things to aid your husbands comfort level as he works through these things. I don't think there's anything wrong with compromising a little in established relationships to help a partner get comfortable with a new partner being around. The trick is making sure they're using it to work on their discomfort to help you, and their metamore be able to carry on a fulfilling relationship as well....not just pay it lip service while they wait for the breakup.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuciaLost View Post
Im not sure how to allow us all to negotiate healthy boundaries without letting his emotions take over our decision making. We occasionally get so frustrated with the situation and his outbursts of jealousy that we talk about ending our marriage. At the end of these heated discussions we acknowledge that we still love one another and want to do the hard work it will take to make our marriage and poly lifestyle work. But it feels like Im putting in the hard work and he is just feeling sorry for himself. Can someone help me? I feel lost and I dont know where to go from here....
It's good that you are continuing to communicate about all this...that's the usual mantra, communicate, communicate, communicate some more, and then when you're sick and tired of communicating all the time, communicate some more.
I don't know if this will help or not, but I get concerned about people who start arguing about their marriage during this type of processing. I'm personally a big fan or marriage, especially a marriage that includes a wife like mine. We joke from time to time about getting divorced because it seems to be what all the cool kids are doing in the city we've moved to...but it's never serious. It doesn't feature as part of our arguments...I just don't think it ever seems to be a viable option enough to even be mentioned.
Why is that important? So many places I see it come up with others, and it seems to just be a hot button emotional response, seemingly to make sure the other is just as emotional during the argument as the person bringing it up.
One of the things I always liked about poly (once I started looking into it) is that choice, of divorce or dating, should never have to be made. If there's a legitimate reason to get divorced, that's one thing, but I personally feel that poly should never be one of them, so long as both spouses are dedicated to making that marriage work.

I may be digressing...

In terms of getting your husband on board to work on his part...and not letting him take over the boundary negotiations (a big part of that is just to remember that boundaries and other negotiations need to be agreed to by both people...although that might be some more work for you trying to keep your ground again) would maybe to help him get to the root of his concerns about the whole thing. If he's feeling sorry for himself and isn't much self-motivated to make the mental adaptations required for poly, has he been asked the question why?

His first attempt at a poly relationship crashed and burned from the sounds of it. Why?

Since that didn't work, he seems to want to take his ball and go home...why?

Where he might usually retreat back to what is known, and safe...home and wife, now there's someone else a part of your life. The marriage dynamic isn't the same...and he may be grieving that loss still and hasn't figured out how to reconcile it. Why not? Is he still at the River in Egypt stage?

If the discussions at the moment are all about why you should back away from the gf, and poly, or run your relationships with her, then I think the easiest way to work towards a solution will be to make it not about the gf, or boundaries, or the relationship that's in play now. But rather get to the root of why. Why does he want to back away...or does he really? Maybe he's just discouraged and needs an excuse to try again. What did he think he was going to get from opening your marriage? What did you want to get from the emotional investment with others? Is/was there anything missing in the marriage that either of you were looking to fill, whether it was something that could be lived without or not.

If you can expose the root of what's causing him to balk at poly, then maybe he'll find the reasons he needs to work on what's holding him back and/or find some motives to let you explore your needs as originally agreed.

Either way...keep the patience...these things can take time.
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Old 11-03-2011, 11:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LuciaLost View Post
I apologize in advance if I am a little scattered. Its hard to get all of my thoughts on the same page right now.
Welcome Lucia. Your post seems very well thought out to me!

Quote:

My husband and I made a choice earlier this year to begin a poly relationship. I had put it on the table for him to explore his own sexuality and interests he had outside of our marriage. I had no issue with staying mono with him while he explored a bit. He insisted that he wanted it to be completely open (both of us seeking partners) because otherwise he wouldn't feel comfortable enough to explore. So we made the choice together to move forward with this lifestyle. We set some boundaries...
What were your boundaries at first, and how have they changed or been renegotiated?

Quote:
and had alot of very thorough discussions about how we would proceed.
Did you read some books and websites which offer information about boundaries, jealousy, etc? Obviously really trying it has been different than what you both imagined going into it.

Quote:
We each found partners quickly (part of the stress for him is how fast it happened). His partner ended up being a very short lived sexual relationship and has already ended. Mine is with a woman that Ive grown very connected with.

My husband has not pursued a new partner. At this point he feels he could not allow himself to emotionally connect with anyone but me.
Why not?

Quote:
I feel bad at times because Ive already connected so strongly with my girlfriend. He sometimes puts the pressure on me to break up with her and go back to our mono life, but at this point I just CANT. I have to remind myself that we made this choice together. His feelings may have changed but the choice we made together doesn't change.
Barn door opened, horse out.

Quote:
I'm endlessly patient with him. Reminding him that I love him as much as I always have. Reassuring him that he fulfills my needs, when he wonders if she has "something" that he cant give me.
Well, I feel all the friends I have, whether they are casual acquaintances or something deeper, sexual or not, fulfill needs I have that my primary can't fulfill! This seems self-evident. There are billions of individuals on this planet with gifts to offer me. Joy to be shared, insights to be grasped. Some people will want to cook with me, some to shop with me, some to go to museums with or go hiking with, some to talk about religion, or art, or travel, or movies, or child rearing issues... the options are infinite. One person just can't bring us everything we need in life!

Even if you and your husband have 85% of interests and hobbies in common, there is that 15% to be explored outside the primary relationship. Maybe your h is really into football and you aren't. Do you ask him sadly, "Oh... why do you want to be with Steve when the big game is on?" Of course not. Would you feel neglected if Steve was coming over several times a week to watch sports for hours at a time with your h? Yes, more likely you would.

Quote:
I remind him that the reason I started this relationship was because he gave me the green light to be emotionally available to someone else. He gets so lost in his own feelings that I think he forgets that both my girlfriend and I are emotionally invested in this process as well!

I dont know how to guide him through this alone I try to do what is right, but its not ONLY about him. I need to share my time between them and make sure they both know they are valued parts of my life.
I feel like his way of "feeling better" is to pull in the reigns and try to control my relationship with her. He said that the more often I see her the more opportunities Im having to emotionally connect with her. That he is more comfortable if I dont see her as often. Its hard to accept those types of controlling actions.
Well, here is one area where you may compromise. If you are seeing her several times a week, and spending overnights, this *can* be very hard to handle in the early months of being poly. If he doesn't have another partner and is adamant about not going out and looking for one, there needs to be empathy on both your sides. You might agree to spend somewhat less time with her in the flesh, and less time taking her texts or IMs or phone calls, and a bit more time focused on dating your husband, being romantic, having adventures, rather than just doing mundane household stuff. This is a common mistake people make when in NRE with another, especially if you've been married for a 7 years or more.

I am not saying you've been neglecting your h's emotional, sexual and social needs. It's just something to think about and address if needed.

Also, if your h has given up on dating, he will need to look at ways to fill his time when you are with your gf. He can spend more time working out, seeing platonic friends and family, pursuing interests he has that you aren't interested in. When you are with your gf, the one thing he should not be doing is just sitting alone, stewing and worrying.

Quote:
Im not sure how to allow us all to negotiate healthy boundaries without letting his emotions take over our decision making. We occasionally get so frustrated with the situation and his outbursts of jealousy that we talk about ending our marriage. At the end of these heated discussions we acknowledge that we still love one another and want to do the hard work it will take to make our marriage and poly lifestyle work. But it feels like Im putting in the hard work and he is just feeling sorry for himself. Can someone help me? I feel lost and I dont know where to go from here....
Culturally, emotions are so hard for men to deal with! I sometimes think the only emotions men are allowed to have are anger and lust, with the occasional joy over their sports team winning a game. And they haven't been trained to dig deep into more complex emotions, or to fee vulnerable or needy. No, instead they should just get drunk, yell and punch a wall.

Hey, maybe men need to smash things for a while to get the initial anger out. Perhaps pounding nails in a carpentry project, or kicking a soccer ball or swinging a racquet for a couple hours of hot sweaty exercise... then they can calm down and talk more rationally about emotional issues.

I am not saying all men are these RAWR! testosterone crazed beasts. Some guys like to write things out, or do yoga, or mediate while knitting! Some might want to have a good cry at a chick flick.
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Old 11-03-2011, 11:54 AM
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Hi Lucia,
Welcome.
I was wondering how your gf feels about your husband's struggles. I know my bf was very concerned when my husband got jealous or sketchy. When that happened, he put my marriage ahead of his own needs. He would lay low for awhile and encourage me to work on things with my husband -- he had a lot of respect for him. This respectful tact could help your gf earn your husband's trust -- therefore, a win-win-win for all.
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Old 11-03-2011, 04:08 PM
LuciaLost LuciaLost is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Considering this has only been a year I think that it might needs more time. Its all new to all of you and things settle over time. NRE lasts for sometimes over a year for one... not only NRE over poly, but NRE over your new gf. Its hard work all this, but it all settles in time.

Did he think that this was going to be all sex? Some people struggle with their partners developing sexual relationships and are okay with emotional ones and some people are okay with their partners developing emotional relationships and not sexual ones... what are his thoughts on that? Maybe he didn't know or didn't think that this whole thing would involve being attached emotionally and that has come as a surprise to him, a threat.

Does he spend time with your gf? Do you do things all of you together? Sometimes it takes the threat away when metamours know each other well and can empathize with them and therefore be willing to consider that they have feelings and needs too.
Im not really sure how to break up your post into quotes, so bear with me

Its only this year that we decided to be poly, and our relationships are even more new. So Im certain you are right about the NRE thing. It certainly makes this especially confusing!

We did sit down and have a few lengthy discussions about sexual relationships versus emotional attachment. The reason we decided to choose poly over swinging is because we agreed that we didnt feel comfortable having only a sexual relationship with someone we couldnt also emotionally invest in. I have always been of the midset that I would need the emotional connection as well, but initially he said he would only have a sexual relationship. Through discussion he agreed with me about not wanting to just have a sexual relationship. But clearly he is still struggling in the emotional investment outside of our marriage. Im not sure how to prove to him that its not taking love away from him....

Yes we do sometimes spend time together, though not as often as would probably be beneficial. So thats a really good point. He knew her as a friend beforehand, so he does know what she is all about. He says part of the threat comes from knowing that she is a really nice/good person and that she treats me extremely well. He has trouble disliking her because of that. So the more I think about it, the better I think it would be to spend more time together as a group. Then he can break down some of those emotional walls.

Thanks for responding
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Old 11-03-2011, 04:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LuciaLost View Post
He says part of the threat comes from knowing that she is a really nice/good person and that she treats me extremely well. He has trouble disliking her because of that.
This speaks volumes. He sees her as a rival, or thinks he should. He is still thinking like a guy competing for what's his. He needs to really let it sink in that he doesn't own you.
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Old 11-03-2011, 04:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion View Post
Well, first off, welcome to the Forum.


Sometimes stuff happens, and people change their minds, but it seems a lot harder to go backwards when there's other partners involved. In marriages or long term mono couples, it's often easy to be used to making decisions in a vacuum...where most things only affect the couple. It sounds like your hubby hasn't reckoned that your mutual decisions will have an impact on other lives than just you and him, especially a decision to cringe back from poly.
It's good that you've kept your gf in mind and how it might affect her, although I wonder if you've asked yourself if you'd be willing to go back to a mono marriage if it was only you and your husband to consider?



It sounds like your husband has not broken free mentally from some of the classic scripts. It's can all be good to discuss the theory of things, but when it comes to putting things into practice, or confronting real situations, we cannot know our reactions until the events are upon us. Sometimes we're not as prepared as we think we were, or old habits or feelings resurface whether or not we want them too.

Your patience is excellent, but at some point I think your husband is going to need to come to terms that things like your having another partner doesn't necessarily mean that your lacking for anything in him. Or that it can be an acceptable and even healthy thing if his paramour WAS providing something he couldn't or wouldn't.

Reprogramming scripts though, in my experience anyways, takes some time, and a lot of reflection, and it's driven by the self, not the spouse.


You need to do what's right for you...it's really all any of us can do. And if part of that is standing up for yourself against what you perceive as control, more power to you.
But there is also the balance that needs to be struck between partners, and perhaps to make sure your marriage stays healthy for the long run as well, which may mean doing things to aid your husbands comfort level as he works through these things. I don't think there's anything wrong with compromising a little in established relationships to help a partner get comfortable with a new partner being around. The trick is making sure they're using it to work on their discomfort to help you, and their metamore be able to carry on a fulfilling relationship as well....not just pay it lip service while they wait for the breakup.


It's good that you are continuing to communicate about all this...that's the usual mantra, communicate, communicate, communicate some more, and then when you're sick and tired of communicating all the time, communicate some more.
I don't know if this will help or not, but I get concerned about people who start arguing about their marriage during this type of processing. I'm personally a big fan or marriage, especially a marriage that includes a wife like mine. We joke from time to time about getting divorced because it seems to be what all the cool kids are doing in the city we've moved to...but it's never serious. It doesn't feature as part of our arguments...I just don't think it ever seems to be a viable option enough to even be mentioned.
Why is that important? So many places I see it come up with others, and it seems to just be a hot button emotional response, seemingly to make sure the other is just as emotional during the argument as the person bringing it up.
One of the things I always liked about poly (once I started looking into it) is that choice, of divorce or dating, should never have to be made. If there's a legitimate reason to get divorced, that's one thing, but I personally feel that poly should never be one of them, so long as both spouses are dedicated to making that marriage work.

I may be digressing...

In terms of getting your husband on board to work on his part...and not letting him take over the boundary negotiations (a big part of that is just to remember that boundaries and other negotiations need to be agreed to by both people...although that might be some more work for you trying to keep your ground again) would maybe to help him get to the root of his concerns about the whole thing. If he's feeling sorry for himself and isn't much self-motivated to make the mental adaptations required for poly, has he been asked the question why?

His first attempt at a poly relationship crashed and burned from the sounds of it. Why?

Since that didn't work, he seems to want to take his ball and go home...why?

Where he might usually retreat back to what is known, and safe...home and wife, now there's someone else a part of your life. The marriage dynamic isn't the same...and he may be grieving that loss still and hasn't figured out how to reconcile it. Why not? Is he still at the River in Egypt stage?

If the discussions at the moment are all about why you should back away from the gf, and poly, or run your relationships with her, then I think the easiest way to work towards a solution will be to make it not about the gf, or boundaries, or the relationship that's in play now. But rather get to the root of why. Why does he want to back away...or does he really? Maybe he's just discouraged and needs an excuse to try again. What did he think he was going to get from opening your marriage? What did you want to get from the emotional investment with others? Is/was there anything missing in the marriage that either of you were looking to fill, whether it was something that could be lived without or not.

If you can expose the root of what's causing him to balk at poly, then maybe he'll find the reasons he needs to work on what's holding him back and/or find some motives to let you explore your needs as originally agreed.

Either way...keep the patience...these things can take time.
Im fairly sure that after 9 years together my husbands only real concern is for our marriage. But I also think he is most concerned about his own feelings. I have to remind him that forcing me into an ultimatum over my girlfriend will affect her life in a huge way, but emotionally it will also affect mine. It will hurt both her and I and outside of that also tip the balance of our relationship. It will affect the control and trust in our marriage in a way that Im not sure can be easily repaired. I honestly prefer this lifestyle. My relationships between hubby and my GF has been very stressful but also emotionally fulfilling. If I was between partners and hubby asked me to go back to mono for the sake of our marriage, I would consider it because I respect his feelings. But its not my preference at this point.

I agree with you about him defaulting to his traditional ideas for our marriage. Having a very very traditionally based cultural and religious upbringing, it is very deeply rooted in him. While he does see the benefit in change, he also tends to regress to his more basic ideals for our roles in times of stress. Its been a huge job working through this with him. Sometimes we make a lot of progress, and then it feels sometimes we go right back to square 1.

I guess I have a hard time with control issues, and thats my own problem. I was abused and controlled as a child. So people holding too many of my own cards makes me very uncomfortable. But I am going to work at somehow scaling back the time I spend with GF. Maybe even by making set days of the week we spend time together. Im hoping having predictability will help?
Sometimes I feel he is biding his time and waiting for her and I to break up. Which indicates to me he isnt allowing himself the opportunity to work on the issues at hand. He sometimes asks how long he thinks we will be dating. I say I couldnt tell this early on but Im hoping for the best, because I really care for her. He seems to think its not worth it to bother if its not long term, but he is also uncomfortable with the idea of it being long term. So he is conflicted in every way

I never intended to bring up the divorce thing Unfortunately it has come up only in the past few weeks, and never before in our entire relationship. My struggle is that he can be so emotionally volitile and act out towards me (not physically) but he emotionally punishes me when I spend time with her. We fight alot and I cant tell from day to day if he will be himself or depressed. The unpredictability is extremely stressful. Divorce comes up when I tell him that we cant live this way. That I love him, and I want him to commit to working towards a more healthy positive attitude. That if he cant commit to that, we will continue in the stress of our marriage this way. I dont want to live this life... I also dont want to be apart from him.

He said his attempt at a relationship failed because he didnt feel the need to emotionally invest in this person. That he was okay with the sexual part but he felt the emotional side was meant for me and he couldnt let go of that.
I guess maybe he felt if it didnt work that time, it never would? Ive asked him a few times if it was maybe a premature decision to quit, and he has wavered but only slightly.

The main reason we chose poly is because both hubby and I have bisexual interests. I have always had a strong attraction towards women. He had never experimented with men, but he had alot of fantasies involving that and was interested in trying. We had agreed that our primary relationship would be hetero and same-sex partners outside of our marriage would be acceptable. The main reason is because they would be fulfilling something our primary relationship cant. My attraction to women is clearly physical, but a huge part of it is emotional too. My husbands attraction to men seems to be sexual for the most part. Our difference in this way seems to be what he is having trouble accepting. Its not a surprise to him, as I did date women before I started dating him. But its been hard for him to accept.
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Old 11-03-2011, 05:42 PM
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Its been a huge job working through this with him. Sometimes we make a lot of progress, and then it feels sometimes we go right back to square 1.

My struggle is that he can be so emotionally volitile and act out towards me (not physically) but he emotionally punishes me when I spend time with her. We fight alot and I cant tell from day to day if he will be himself or depressed. The unpredictability is extremely stressful. Divorce comes up when I tell him that we cant live this way. That I love him, and I want him to commit to working towards a more healthy positive attitude. That if he cant commit to that, we will continue in the stress of our marriage this way. I dont want to live this life... I also dont want to be apart from him.

The main reason we chose poly is because both hubby and I have bisexual interests. I have always had a strong attraction towards women. He had never experimented with men, but he had alot of fantasies involving that and was interested in trying. We had agreed that our primary relationship would be hetero and same-sex partners outside of our marriage would be acceptable. The main reason is because they would be fulfilling something our primary relationship cant. My attraction to women is clearly physical, but a huge part of it is emotional too. My husbands attraction to men seems to be sexual for the most part. Our difference in this way seems to be what he is having trouble accepting. Its not a surprise to him, as I did date women before I started dating him. But its been hard for him to accept.
Well, this probably won't help while you're in the middle of a fight, but it's really common to feel like everytime a couple working on how to do poly makes progress, something goes awry and it feels like back to square one. That comes up a LOT on this board.

Also, your husband does not have to be poly for your marriage to survive and eventually thrive. There are people who make 'mixed' marriages - one partner is poly and another is mono - work just fine. It's a lot of work but what else is new? Another option is that he pursues sexual connections with men. Many bisexuals - men and women - want sex with the same sex but have little or no desire for a relationship or emotional connection with someone of the same sex. (I personally think this is often tinged with internalized homophobia but it is certainly possible to be bisexual, not homophobic, and not want a emotional relationship with someone of the same sex. Anyway, I digress.) So your husband is not unusual in this respect at all. So there are options for him and you to figure out something that works.

But, and here is the huge red flag, he doesn't seem to want to deal with his stuff. That is worrisome. It feels like he is only reacting and not thinking, not reflecting. God knows it can be so hard to get past one's pain and think about the entire situation. But for this to be resolved well, that is what he has to do. He doesn't have to feel ok, or not be in pain, or frustrated or scared or whatever is going on. But he cannot push his pain onto you which is what seems to be happening, or punish you for being with your girlfriend, and expect your marriage to survive. That's a recipe for disaster in any relationship. Certainly, you may need to have set times to see her as well as make sure you spend time with him as well. (And not just pay the bills, house care, watch tv time - real intimate time.)

Best of luck, LL
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Old 11-03-2011, 06:19 PM
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Lucia, why not ask your hubs to come here and read the thread so he can see in black-and-white what you're going through, and how others have responded. Not to say that you haven't communicated well enough to him, but sometimes seeing the written word makes a different impact. Maybe he can contribute his side and get feedback, too.
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An excellent blog post against hierarchy in polyamory: http://solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-i...short-version/
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