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  #1  
Old 11-02-2011, 01:35 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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Default I cant answer - "who brings up the kids"

Hi all
I'm new to this whole thing.
I tried to relate some of my newly gained knowledge from "ethical slut" to my wife. We reached a point where she seemed sort of OK with the Poly idea, but then she asked me -
"so who brings up the kids"

and I didnt have a really good answer, except to point out how many divorces there are, and "so who brings up those kids?"

I wish now I could have formulated a more intelligent reply -

Like - "well just imagine our boy being loved by another adult as well as us"
or - "more adults in the relationship, with similar values, could be very benificial"

What would you have said?
Can anyone link me to maybe a blog on this, where its been successful?
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Old 11-02-2011, 01:46 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Lol... there's no prescribed rule about who brings up the kids, especially since there are so many possible poly arrangements!

For instance, I'm married and live with my husband, and I have a casual other boyfriend. He doesn't live with us and won't be expected to bring up our children... co-parenting will happen in my household with my husband and me. Not that our son won't know the boyfriend, but he'll know him as his parent's friend Sven.

What about the case of, say, three women in a poly triad, all cohabitating? They might be more likely to share child-rearing duties.

There's another thread about this here, about how babies change poly dynamics. Check it out!
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Old 11-02-2011, 02:00 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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Thanks Michelle
And I 've just found a google group in the UK for this exact topic.

Of course I'm following RedPepper on here, too - seems like a good example
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Old 11-02-2011, 02:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Yeah, just because people get into poly relationships doesn't mean they're all going to be living together and sharing parenting responsibilities. Plenty of poly people don't want that. And plenty do. So, it will depend on the people involved.

If the two of you do open things up and find other partners, make sure that you still go out on romantic dates with each other, and don't leave it that the marriage is only about the household duties and childrearing responsibilities. One of you shouldn't be always stuck at home handling household stuff while the other is out dating. If you want to romance another woman, you will have to make sure you are romancing your wife as well, and visa versa if she is with another guy.

Did you ask her what her concerns were about that and if she had any ideas about making that work? There is a really big thread on children here: Children and Polyamory
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Old 11-02-2011, 02:28 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Yeah, just because people get into poly relationships doesn't mean they're all going to be living together and sharing parenting responsibilities. Plenty of poly people don't want that. And plenty do. So, it will depend on the people involved.
[/B]
Yes, I was starting to think "Well, if you're only seeing an OSO once a week of so, then of course theres no question to answer here really".

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
If the two of you do open things up and find other partners, make sure that you still go out on romantic dates with each other, and don't leave it that the marriage is only about the household duties and childrearing responsibilities. One of you shouldn't be always stuck at home handling household stuff while the other is out dating. If you want to romance another woman, you will have to make sure you are romancing your wife as well, and visa versa if she is with another guy.
You know Cindie, I was kinda coming round to that realisation myself. Your post is timeous and we are starting to get romantic again beyond the chores etc. We have a lunch date on Fri for example (though Ive asked her not to wear any underwear for it)

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Did you ask her what her concerns were about that and if she had any ideas about making that work? There is a really big thread on children here: Children and Polyamory
Eeek, no, I didnt ask. I gave my only stupid rely as I said above - I want to be seen to be approaching this whole thing with some intelligence, thought, etc. I didnt do well on that topic.

Thanks for the link - I will start reading !!
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Old 11-02-2011, 02:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bassman View Post
Eeek, no, I didnt ask. I gave my only stupid rely as I said above - I want to be seen to be approaching this whole thing with some intelligence, thought, etc. I didnt do well on that topic.
You know, it's still an intelligent answer to say, "I hadn't thought about that yet. I don't know." People are so afraid to admit they don't know something, but it's just an opportunity to figure it out together.
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  #7  
Old 11-02-2011, 04:22 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You know, it's still an intelligent answer to say, "I hadn't thought about that yet. I don't know." People are so afraid to admit they don't know something, but it's just an opportunity to figure it out together.
Yep, I should have thought of that. My wife was trying to defend monogamy, and I wasnt, so my bad reply was me trying to "win" the discussion (i'm prone to do that, i'm aware of myself doing it, but I havent mastered the art of focusing on the topic, rather than winning in the discussion!)

Yes, you're right, I could have said "I havent read up on that one much", or something as gentle as that.
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Old 11-02-2011, 04:25 PM
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Well, I officially grant you permission to stop beating yourself up about it now!
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  #9  
Old 11-02-2011, 04:30 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, I officially grant you permission to stop beating yourself up about it now!
Lol!

I am going to get reading about it, and NEXT time it comes up, I'll be ready for it!
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Old 11-02-2011, 04:50 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think most poly peeps who are in healthy relationships that last for a while end up developing warm relationships with their OSO's kids, like an aunt or uncle, but they're still your kids and there's absolutely no reason that would need to change. It wouldn't be until the point that you or she were so committed and in love with another person that you're truly building an additional life partnership with that person that co-parenting might make sense, and that would be years down the line. It'll depend on how you both feel about the OSO, how the OSO feels about kids, and, if they're not babies, how the kids feel too! There are numerous possible configurations for each unique situation.
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