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  #51  
Old 12-03-2009, 05:43 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by crisare View Post
Uh ... I have no comment about her site. I was responding to you on *this* board in that you said: My response is based here on this board ... I don't like or agree with this "take" ... for the reasons I mentioned.

Has nothing to do with her site. I was assuming you posted here for the purpose of discussion ... which is what I was doing.
As I said (sorry to confuse) I was impressed that it was a DIFFERENT take on it. Not that I necessarily agreed with everything she wrote.
I just think it's helpful to get a full spectrum of ideas out there so we can all think more broadly.

I was ok with what you said too. I just don't think there is much about "poly" I FULLY agree with per se.
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  #52  
Old 12-03-2009, 05:47 AM
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Funny-because that wasn't what I got out of it at all.
My complaint was with her implication that children are the primary aspect of a relationship.

From your follow-up posts, it seems pretty clear to me that you're not degrading a swinging relationship because it's not poly. But I suspect that the author of that post DOES.

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I got that she was using the kids as an example of the depth of committment involved between someone who is in a polyfamily versus swinging. That may not be wholly true-I for sure dont frequent a swingers group OR a poly group!
Every person has a different set of values. I can understand why someone would value their children more than their other stuff, but I think it's sort of pompous arrogance to assume that children MUST be the center of someone's existence.
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  #53  
Old 12-03-2009, 05:49 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Oh I'm certainly not. The lady whose sight I was quoting might. Heck if I know. I don't know her.
But I'm not so certain she would say that either.

Are you feeling defensive? I intended no offense I assure.
The thing is, even if she's not saying it, and even if it's prefaced with "in my opinion", she is still implying it. Her website is giving a great example of saying something that marginalizes people intentionally or unintentionally. Sure she starts with the phrase "to me" , but later goes on to say that "poly partners want X" as if this is indeed the case for being a poly partner.

If she said "this is how I define the poly people in my life" and left it at that, then that would be fine. But she went on to say something to the effect of "Poly people want x, so I define my poly relationships as having x" It completely invalidates all the poly people who want a-w and y+z.

And sure, it's just her opinion, but that is an opinion I would challenge for those very reasons.

And it's also a great example of how she is entitled to have that opinion but is not entitled to have that opinion unchallenged.
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  #54  
Old 12-03-2009, 05:50 AM
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Are you feeling defensive?
No, not really. I apolgize if it comes across that way. I tend to be fairly blunt and to the point in my writing ... it's not meant personally.

No offense, just a discussion.

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As I said (sorry to confuse) I was impressed that it was a DIFFERENT take on it. Not that I necessarily agreed with everything she wrote.
Ah. I think maybe I have a misunderstanding of your post then. When you said "It's a different take. I like it." I read that as you liking the take, not liking that it was different. I very much *don't* like that take ... ... so that's where I was/am disagreeing.
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  #55  
Old 12-03-2009, 06:06 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by crisare View Post
And what about a middle ground?
As I said, some folks do both. Not every poly ties is going to be as involved the next.

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Are you saying that my relationship doesn't quality for "poly" and I'm just a swinger trying to "upgrade" my relationship?
Nope. All I said was that poly and swinging are not the same thing. There are folks who do one and not the other, so saying they are all the same thing is inaccurate. There are folks who do both, and that's just as OK as doing one or the other.

You may even find that the line between the two blurs for you--and that's OK, too; just remember that for some of us, the line is fairly distinct.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #56  
Old 12-03-2009, 06:10 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Hey Seventh... what was this directed at?? Just curious.
It was a response to DrunkenPorcupine's post. I keep forgetting that not everybody uses the hybrid or threaded display to see what post responds to what other post. If I don't quote the post I respond to, my posts can appear to be apropos of nothing. Sorry!
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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  #57  
Old 12-03-2009, 08:58 AM
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Although I have never engaged in swinging as a practice I have engaged in random play that certainly was without a desire for closer emotional connection.

"To me, the distinction between swinging and polyamory is a depth of emotional involvement in each other's lives. Swinging partners, to me, would seem to have a greater emotional distance from their partners, and prefer to keep it that way, while Poly partners want to grow closer in their relationships with others"

This part of her statement sums my own interpretation of swinging vs Poly pretty accurately.

Leaving it there would suffice for me and I might even be comfortable using it to explain the differences between poly and swinging to friends who are new to the concept of polyamory. If I were to use the word polyamory that is. I prefer to simply explaining the dynamic. That leaves little room for interpretation or Google confusion
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 12-03-2009 at 03:22 PM.
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  #58  
Old 12-03-2009, 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
I find kissing on the mouth and swapping spit to be a more "intimate exchange of energy" than genital contact, with or without orgasms. I didn't always feel this way about it, and I do recognize that there are certain diseases that are peculiar to either form of contact; but it is what it is for me.
We're swingers, as well as poly... I do not kiss people I swing with. I only kiss those I am involved with in relationships. I totally get this


Ok, so, as I said, we are swingers, and we are poly. For me, the two are quite separate. We (my husband and I) swing because we both enjoy sex, and anonymous sex. We mostly opt for 3somes, usually MFM. It just works for us. We are both able to do emotionless sex, the kind that is purely for "sport".

Poly, of course, is the forming of romantic relationships. We have both done so... ironically, never with a person we swing with. Swinging has never led to a relationship for either of us.
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  #59  
Old 12-03-2009, 09:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Ricavaler View Post
We're swingers, as well as poly... I do not kiss people I swing with. I only kiss those I am involved with in relationships. I totally get this


Ok, so, as I said, we are swingers, and we are poly. For me, the two are quite separate. We (my husband and I) swing because we both enjoy sex, and anonymous sex. We mostly opt for 3somes, usually MFM. It just works for us. We are both able to do emotionless sex, the kind that is purely for "sport".

Poly, of course, is the forming of romantic relationships. We have both done so... ironically, never with a person we swing with. Swinging has never led to a relationship for either of us.
Love to see you copy this post to the other "poly/swinging" thread.
Like your clarification.

FYI-I liked that movie too and find kissing to be very bonding and emotional as well.
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  #60  
Old 12-03-2009, 09:39 PM
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I think perhaps the example she uses is being taken too literally.

As Poly, and a Swinger, I am very aware of the difference between them. And her example truely sums it up for me. Not because my children are the center point of my poly life though. It's merely an example.

The way I interpreted her example, it could have been applied to anything. When I engage in a poly relationship, that partner has some interest, if only informational, in my life. From what I do for a living, where I work, what my hobbies are, what some of my favorite foods/drinks/colors/etc are.

When I engage in a swinging situation I don't feel the need to share any of the above information with the person I'm with. They don't need to know any of it. If employment, for example, comes up, it is kept to vague answers like "I'm in IT" which really could mean anything They don't even get to know my surname... and honestly, a week down the line I will most likely have forgotten their name.
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