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  #131  
Old 03-27-2011, 08:48 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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People seem to be fine with the idea that my boyfriend and I sleep around (even though we don't) but they get freaked out when they realise we're actually poly.

I think a lot of people can understand swinging better (desiring other people that your spouse) even those who disapprove of it. With poly, they think it's "just wrong" because they don't even get it. I believe they think you're manipulating people's feelings, while with swinging everybody knows what to expect.
In other words, I think they think it's swinging, but that you pretend to love the people you're with and want them to love you.
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  #132  
Old 03-27-2011, 09:34 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
With poly, they think it's "just wrong" because they don't even get it. I believe they think you're manipulating people's feelings, while with swinging everybody knows what to expect.
Yes, that seems to be the general case.


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Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
Yah, a big city obviously has more potential for these new age type concepts I think. If even like 0.1% of people are swingers, then you're going to have a few thousand in New York vs say 1 or 2 in a small town. And when you have a few thousand people doing something, that kind of message can spread quickly through a populace.

When you consider much of the world is islamic or christian they will likely never accept poly values (with islam there are some poly aspects however) or swinger values. Always handy to remember that I think.

I couldn't imagine living in New York personally though.... seems so contrived. I prefer to sort of collect people from around the world that think like me, internet makes it easy.
Contrived? Don't get how you mean that... have you ever been here? If you did and just stuck to all the touristy places, maybe I could see your view as contrived, but even despite all the gentrification and big chain stores that have settled her (used to be a city of mom-and-pop business not long ago), there's lots of history here, culture, etc. My first apartment here was in a building built in the late 1800s and had a claw-foot bathtub in the kitchen.

But the BEST thing I love about New York is the diversity. I don't need the internet for that! When I first came here I met people I'd never been exposed to before in my small, conservative hometown: lesbians, gays, interracial couples, people who squatted in abandoned buildings or slept in the subway, rich folks, offspring of big movie stars, etc. Heck, women who didn't shave their legs was a new one for me at that time! Since then, I have met and conversed with people from every continent. Many of these folks are right around the corner from me, running business in my neighborhood. They all come to NYC, from every place you can imagine.

Yet so many things about it are also "small town" - I moved here to be on my own when I was 23, with just a few bucks in my pocket. I didn't have a phone for a year and the guy who owned the candy store across the street from me would take messages for me on his payphone and slip them in my mailbox.

We have lots of churches, temples, and mosques and regularly religious folks, even though NYC is known to be quite liberal. There are over 8,100,000 people here. I would say the media has made swinging quite a familiar concept, and when I say most people here are accepting of it, I mean (as I stated previously) that they accept that it's out there and people are living that way, even though they would never even think of doing it themselves. If I talk to anyone about polyamory, and I come across a large cross-section of people in my daily life, as I don't just hang out with one sort of focused group, I usually see their eyes glaze over and I respond with, "It's not swinging," and then they know what I'm talking about and can ask questions.

Anyway, this debate has veered very far off the original topic regarding loving multiple people and whether that lessens the love in one's life or strengthens it. I'd rather see more posts on that subject. Sorry, RitaFire, for participating in the hijack!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 03-28-2011 at 03:33 AM.
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  #133  
Old 03-28-2011, 02:39 PM
RobFire RobFire is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preciselove View Post
Yah, a big city obviously has more potential for these new age type concepts I think. If even like 0.1% of people are swingers, then you're going to have a few thousand in New York vs say 1 or 2 in a small town. And when you have a few thousand people doing something, that kind of message can spread quickly through a populace.

When you consider much of the world is islamic or christian they will likely never accept poly values (with islam there are some poly aspects however) or swinger values. Always handy to remember that I think.

I couldn't imagine living in New York personally though.... seems so contrived. I prefer to sort of collect people from around the world that think like me, internet makes it easy.
I've read research, will try to dig it up, suggesting that depending on the area, as many as 5-10% of married couples engage in some form of "swinging" type activity.

Many swingers actually have more than trivial relationships with their other partners.

The line becomes blurry.
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  #134  
Old 03-28-2011, 02:49 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RobFire View Post
I've read research, will try to dig it up, suggesting that depending on the area, as many as 5-10% of married couples engage in some form of "swinging" type activity.

Many swingers actually have more than trivial relationships with their other partners.

The line becomes blurry.
Closed swinging comes to mind. Obviously I don't want to diverge this thread any further. But attitudes in swinging vary from region to region. As does poly for that matter.

I know the people I know who swung, don't see swinging in quite the same manner as it is seen here. There are multiple subsets.. closed being a rather large one as well. The one in the face of the public might be very different than the one that is at home. Remember people, not everyone that goes to a fetish party will get tied up and whipped in public for all to see. ..
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  #135  
Old 03-28-2011, 02:53 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by RobFire View Post
The end result was that the program worked too well. I kept things straight, and went on MANY dates. I think the max was actively dating 6 or 7 girls at the same time.
All I can think of is "expensive habit?"

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It.... was.... exhausting.....
No doubt...
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  #136  
Old 04-02-2011, 04:03 AM
koifish koifish is offline
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I'm into commitment and intimacy, so swinging is a little foreign to me.
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  #137  
Old 04-02-2011, 05:22 AM
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veganchick veganchick is offline
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As someone who has been in swinging environments, I'm reluctant to say that swinging is simply "sex" without "love" involved. It CAN be a simple sexual encounter at a club BUT there are also many websites devoted to swingers where the parties involved are truly interested in building a connection prior to meeting. Heck, I've met with couples I've found through online swinging sites for dinner and shared months worth of emails and pictures without ever reaching the "sex" stage. I found couples looking for connections just as common as those wanting that random encounter.

As a swinger, my partner and I truly had to lay the ground work and open communication before exploring it together- the foundation for polyamory, as well. We're intrigued by swinging in the same way others may find their fetishes titillating. Sex is, honestly, not the end goal - we enjoy the voyeurism, nudity, touch and openness. The sex we share is always entremely intense for weeks following a swinging experience. We've been involved in encounters in a club, as well as encounters in a home where both parties spent the night out, crashed together and prepared a full breakfast to share in the morning. We've had the misfortune of building relationships with other swingers who hadn't opened communication with their partners/anticipated their emotions. These relationships truly had the potential to enter the realm of polyamory but fell short.

I can agree, that swinging and polyamory are different ideals but are they really mutually exclusive? While I most likely identify more with polyamory and find sex more stimulating when accompanied with a romantic/love connection, there are easily just as many different types of swinging relationships as there are polyamory relationships. There have been times when my partner and I have chosen to go to a swing club not to "hook up" per se, but rather to be surrounded by others who are more open to blatant sexuality and the idea of "nonmonogamy". It's fine to differentiate between both but to imply that the two can not overlap is really a disservice to both communities.
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  #138  
Old 04-02-2011, 12:45 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Obviously I don't want to diverge this thread any further.
The topic of this thread is "Poly or swinging". I fail to see how it has been "hijacked" or "diverged", unless someone has moved those posts from somewhere else to here already.
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  #139  
Old 04-02-2011, 02:57 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
I can agree, that swinging and polyamory are different ideals but are they really mutually exclusive?
they aren't although some people woud like them to be. There is lots of overlap. And both fall under non monogamy
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  #140  
Old 05-16-2011, 12:23 AM
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Kittywitch Kittywitch is offline
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Having known several people who overlapped poly and swinging, I know that it's definitely not for me. While - if I'm in a relationship with someone - I'm a fairly easy lay, I've had too many people refer to me as a whore/slut mostly because i freely flirt with those I find attractive.

My fiance's ex-wife used to use the idea of "I'm Poly" to literally sleep with everyone except my fiance (and, no, this isn't second hand knowledge, I lived with them for 2 years seeing it regularly).

While I realize that not everyone does this, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I have to have a deep relationship with someone to be willing to go there.
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