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Old 11-03-2011, 03:54 PM
naturebug32 naturebug32 is offline
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Unhappy Lost and Frustrated

Ok so I need some guidance here. I'm not really new to poly, but the situation I'm in right now is new. Sorry for this being so long...

I met and starting seeing J 6 months ago. At the time he was living with one girlfriend (B) who he referred to as the nanny (J has a son) and was seeing two other women (C & L) that didn't live with him. (He also has an estranged wife who lives there, though she won't be staying there much longer. She has mental issues that arose a bit before he broke out into the poly scene years ago.)

I had told him in the beginning that I wasn't sure I could do the poly thing again since I had been burned in the past. But we clicked so well and fell in love rather quickly. He told me right away that he planned on breaking up with L (which he did) since it wasn't working for him.

Well as things went I realized that C wasn't very good for him... he was constantly unhappy with her, he hardly saw her, and when he did he'd come back grumpy. She became toxic and took constantly from him and never gave, she was always asking for favors and having him run everywhere to the point that he was exhausted. Then she'd just sit there and complain about everything. I told him how I saw it and he agreed. She lost her apartment and had to move in with relatives almost an hour away. I thought he would break up with her but he didn't. I also thought that he was just letting her hang out on the side while barely seeing her, but talked to her everyday. (I found out recently this isn't the case, he's been seeing her all along. He had been seeing her without telling me because he knew I didn't like her.)

I started staying there with J pretty much full time (though I have my own apartment). In the beginning, B would sleep in the same room with me and J... we tried to do things with her as a third but it didn't work out. I just didn't have feelings for her. Also, B has serious anger issues and problems from her past haunt her. It causes her to snap some days and yell and start fights with people (mostly me).

He and B haven't been getting along either. B doesn't like his estranged wife and contantly badgers him about getting her out of the house. She has issues because she'll go a few days being really nice and jovial to throwing accusations (mostly at me) that have no root. What she yells about isn't true and usually just comes out of the blue. She's threatened to leave many times, even to the point of packing all her stuff. They aren't intimate (hardly ever anyway), he pulls away when she touches him and doesn't spend time with B much. She's unhappy and says he only spends time with me, but when he asks her to go places or to come along with us she refuses.

He kept telling me that I was the One and no one had ever made him as happy as I did. He started talking about marriage and though I had been married before and sworn never to marry again, I felt strongly that I could marry him. The way he kept encouraging me to stay with him and much he didn't get along with B and didn't see C (or so I thought), I guess I fooled myself into believing that eventually it would be just him and me.

((Side note: J displays all the signs of high functioning autism, his dad does too, his mom was diagnosed.... J's 7 year old also has it.))

Things came to a head recently tho. J's wife (N) had been in the psych ward for a stint and when she was coming back home, B flew into a rage about why N shouldn't be there again. Later when we were waiting for J to come home with N, B flew into a rage and said that if N tried to take J's son away she would kill her. Then went to graphic detail about how she would do that. I freaked out and told J I didn't want B sleeping in the same room with me anymore and why.

She didn't for a while so I thought he had talked to her. Two nights ago, J and I were in bed and I was venting to him privately when B comes in and calmly starts laying her blankets out on the bed. I look at J with panic and he just kept whispering, it's ok, it's ok. I turn over feeling freaked out and angry until I can't take it anymore. So I left the room.

Later he came and talked to me. I ask him if she intends on sleeping there. He said yes it appeared so and asked me what he should do. I told him do I really need to explain to him again why I don't want her in there. He got pissed and said he'd take care of it. I tried to explain my position and he glared at me and shouted I said I'd take care of it. I started crying and went into the bathroom, a few minutes later I hear B walk by. I went into the bedroom then and J and I had some words about the whole thing and went to sleep.

He finally was forced to talk to B about why I didn't want her in there. So now she doesn't sleep in there anymore. But now he's feeling stuck. He doesn't want to not be with me just to sleep with her. We talked last night and kept saying the only thing he knows is that he wants to marry me. He also said that if I wanted him to break up with B and C then he would, but he seemed sad about it.

My thing is, if he truly loved and cared about either of them (B or C), I'd be more apt to be ok with them being around. But he doesn't, I've asked him straight out and he either doesn't reply or says that they're familiar and comfortable or he changes the subject and says he loves me. I don't think it should be my decision whether he breaks up with them or not, but he keeps putting me in that position. I told him this morning that he needs to figure out what he feels and where he stands with them, then I can decide what I'm doing.

At this point I don't know what to do anymore, he's all sad today. Maybe he's afraid if he says he will keep seeing them then I'll leave... I don't know what I should do. He said last night that what he was looking for before he met me was someone to make all the pieces fit and make them all make sense, since everything was like this before I came along. I did enter the picture but I see I didn't make the pieces fit...I guess i just complicated things. Though I feel if things were that messed up then he shouldn't have been looking for someone to fix it for him. He should be the one to fix things. And now we're both stuck and don't know what to do.

Any help or guidance would be most welcome at this point....

Last edited by naturebug32; 11-03-2011 at 07:22 PM.
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Old 11-03-2011, 08:14 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by naturebug32 View Post
Ok so I need some guidance here. I'm not really new to poly, but the situation I'm in right now is new. Sorry for this being so long...

I met and starting seeing J 6 months ago. At the time he was living with one girlfriend (B) who he referred to as the nanny (J has a son) and was seeing two other women (C & L) that didn't live with him. (He also has an estranged wife who lives there, though she won't be staying there much longer. She has mental issues that arose a bit before he broke out into the poly scene years ago.)

I had told him in the beginning that I wasn't sure I could do the poly thing again since I had been burned in the past. But we clicked so well and fell in love rather quickly. He told me right away that he planned on breaking up with L (which he did) since it wasn't working for him.

Well as things went I realized that C wasn't very good for him... he was constantly unhappy with her, he hardly saw her, and when he did he'd come back grumpy. She became toxic and took constantly from him and never gave, she was always asking for favors and having him run everywhere to the point that he was exhausted. Then she'd just sit there and complain about everything. I told him how I saw it and he agreed. She lost her apartment and had to move in with relatives almost an hour away. I thought he would break up with her but he didn't. I also thought that he was just letting her hang out on the side while barely seeing her, but talked to her everyday. (I found out recently this isn't the case, he's been seeing her all along. He had been seeing her without telling me because he knew I didn't like her.
Hey there, I am going to just respond to this before I read the rest of the post, as I see a couple, strike that, ton of things that bother me.

1. Did you know he was going to break up with L before L did? Either way, if somebody I started dating told me they planned on breaking up with a partner before they had broken up with that partner, I would run as fast as possible. I'd like to think that my boyfriend might tell his wife or his long term girlfriend he was going to break up with me if he was thinking along those lines, but if he told somebody he'd just met, well that feels wrong to me on so many levels.

2. I don't think you should meddle in other relationships unless you are asked for advice. If his time with YOU is being affected because he is complaining, ask him to not talk about C while you are together.

3. If you are not spending time with C and J, anything you hear from him is just one side. You seem to be jumping to be his champion and save him from this toxic relationship, but he doesn't want to be saved obviously.

4. If he is lying about seeing somebody because you don't like them (and as far as I can tell you don't like them because J has made them seem nothing BUT unlikeable by bitching about her all the time) well honestly is a deal breaker. Maybe you can negotiate honesty and move forward, but I think you are setting yourself up to be burned again, and I would do serious thinking about if the NRE stage of love you're in with J is really worth all the negativity you are experiencing already.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 11-03-2011 at 08:23 PM.
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Old 11-03-2011, 08:35 PM
naturebug32 naturebug32 is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Hey there, I am going to just respond to this before I read the rest of the post, as I see a couple, strike that, ton of things that bother me.

1. Did you know he was going to break up with L before L did? Either way, if somebody I started dating told me they planned on breaking up with a partner before they had broken up with that partner, I would run as fast as possible. I'd like to think that my boyfriend might tell his wife or his long term girlfriend he was going to break up with me if he was thinking along those lines, but if he told somebody he'd just met, well that feels wrong to me on so many levels.

2. I don't think you should meddle in other relationships unless you are asked for advice. If his time with YOU is being affected because he is complaining, ask him to not talk about C while you are together.

3. If you are not spending time with C and J, anything you hear from him is just one side. You seem to be jumping to be his champion and save him from this toxic relationship, but he doesn't want to be saved obviously.

4. If he is lying about seeing somebody because you don't like them (and as far as I can tell you don't like them because J has made them seem nothing BUT unlikeable by bitching about her all the time) well honestly is a deal breaker. Maybe you can negotiate honesty and move forward, but I think you are setting yourself up to be burned again, and I would do serious thinking about if the NRE stage of love you're in with J is really worth all the negativity you are experiencing already.
The only reason I was saying anything about C is that it was wearing on him mentally, physically, emotionally. This of course trickled back into my relationship with him because he was always angry because of her. And he did ask for my advice on the matter many many times. I told him my opinion because he asked but never told him what he should do. Maybe I should have ran then, but I didn't. In the beginning I did spend time with both of them and trust me she did nothing but complain and whine about everything. She never spoke one word of gratitude for all he was doing for her, at least not in my presence.

Well J understands now that I'd rather know when he's meeting up with C, than him going around without me knowing. He's been very open with me since then about seeing her and telling me when he plans to see her. I agree it does seem that I'm saving him from a relationship he doesn't want to be save from. I'm not entirely sure why he insists on seeing her at all because he's made it clear he doesn't want to be with anymore than he is. He only sees her for like 10-20 minutes a few times a week. He's made it clear he could never have her live with him, he said he couldn't take being around her so much. So if you have any ideas why he insists on seeing her, please enlighten me. This of course is one of my frustrations.

As far as L goes, he had already been talking to her about it not working before I came along. He was just informing me that while technically they were still together, it was dissolving. The broke up mutually and are still friends.

Honestly I'm much much more concerned about B what to do with the whole living situation and J and my future if there is to be one.
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Old 11-03-2011, 09:11 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Six months and you're the One he wants to spend the rest of his life with? Wow, he gets "comfortable" with women pretty fast. I don't really see why anyone would stay in this kind of immature drama of a situation. What does your common sense tell you? Do you think he probably sells the same bullshit to his other girlfriends?

I have a strong hunch that this is just infatuation you two feel for each other, and that even if he gets rid of all the other women in his life, eventually down the road, he'll have more relationships and you'll be the one he's apathetic about and tolerating just because you're there. He seems to get off on having a harem. Seriously, do you need this much melodrama in your life? How happy do you think you could be with him? I mean, totally happy, joyful, and satisfied with life? There are better guys, and better poly situations out there.
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Old 11-03-2011, 09:49 PM
bulrush bulrush is offline
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J should get all the negative people out of his life. If he doesn't, there is no point in you continuing this relationship with J. Because it just won't work. And if J isn't strong enough to get rid of these drama people, then you are better off without him, infatuation or not.
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Old 11-04-2011, 12:58 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Wow, J has loads of women all around him, and all of them "be crazy" except for you. Hmmmm... that sounds suspicious. How do you know that you won't be just another one of his "crazy" girls that he needs to kick out of his bed when the new girl comes along?
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Old 11-04-2011, 02:01 PM
naturebug32 naturebug32 is offline
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nycindie - yeah I suppose he does move fast, but then so do I. There is a lot of drama going on and it's frustrating, especially when B starts in with her random bitchings and power trips. This is not just an infatuation tho, we've gotten past the nre so I feel strongly that what I feel for him now is not infatuation. When the others are not around, we both relax and that's when I see the real him and who I've fallen in love with.

I'm not sure about his getting off on having a harem, it's more like he's afraid of the change for several reasons. I'm still trying to uncover all the reasons, but he's definitely terrified of anything changing at the moment. I really don't want the melodrama and there are a lot of questions unanswered which leaves me feeling off-centered and anxious.

bulrush - I agree, he surrounds himself with people that are no good for him. I'm not sure I can make him see why he needs to get rid of them. He concedes that they are not good for him, but them brings up the reasons why he needs them around.

We talked last night and he kind of confused things further by basically saying he wants to marry me no matter what that takes (which in my mind would be him getting rid of the others)... but then on the other hand he makes it clear that B is not going anywhere and that she know that she will remain in his life for the duration. Now I don't know if that means as just friends or what he means by that. But he constantly does this back and forth bit, saying things that seemingly contradict each other.

MichelleZed - the same thought had occurred to me that I might wind up as crazy as they all seem to be, and whether I'll be kicked to the curb if someone else were to come along. I've actually brought the second part up to him but he insists that there won't be anyone else. He said last night that if I left him that he would probably leave everyone and become a monk. Now I know this sound silly and far-fetched but he had seriously considered becoming one years ago, but life situations caused him to put it on the back burner.
I asked him if he was just willing to break up with everyone after I left, why couldn't he do it now...he just sighed and changed the subject. So I don't know what to think anymore.
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Old 11-04-2011, 02:11 PM
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Oh gosh, you're being played. Red flags everywhere!
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Old 11-04-2011, 02:24 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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I agree, red flags abounding here.

He does not seem to be a very emotionally and mentally healthy person, and he surrounds himself with people that seem to not be emotionally and mentally healthy. This is not an accident.

I think the bigger question you need to ask yourself and look at is, why are you choosing to be with somebody with so many giant issues. You've been together six months and already it's been drama and lots of work and wavering back and forth by him on what he wants and what he says. A healthy relationship shouldn't be hitting this many issues/roadblocks quite this soon. Or really, ever.

I would ask why you think he's going to change how he is, how he acts and who he's with all of a sudden now just because you're in his life. It is looking a bit like the "I love him and want to be with him, BUT I want him to change huge parts of his life because I don't like that" trend that people can tend to get into because they're feeling all the good and giddy feelings that come with new love. And it is still new, sometimes the hormones and brain chemicals that are released in the beginnings of new relationships don't subside for up to a year and a half.

I think this early into the relationship you need to really take a look at him and his world and ask yourself HONESTLY if that's the energy you want in your life. Then you need to take him as he is, or leave. Anything else is an exercise in futility.
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Old 11-04-2011, 07:43 PM
MichelleZed MichelleZed is offline
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Break up with this guy. I think the women he's with appear to be "crazy" and "no good for him", but the one thing they all have in common is him.

I'm beginning to suspect that it's really him who is crazy and no good.

I mean, really. He's involved with some woman for a substantial period of time (B). She sleeps in his bed and takes care of his son. But he's willing to just kick her out of bed because the new girlfriend (you) doesn't like her? Who does that?

Meanwhile, B is portrayed as "crazy" because, way back when, she pulled the same stuff you're pulling now. She doesn't like his previous girl, the ex-wife, and wants her out of the house. His ex-wife presumably previously slept in his bed and took care of his son for him. But B (the new girl at the time) didn't like her so she had to go, too.

See the pattern?

You're next, Naturebug. You're next. Get out before this insane man pits you against the new girl for his own entertainment.
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