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Old 07-20-2011, 10:38 PM
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Default The Yo Yo effect

Ok this is driving me insane.. What I am calling..the yo-yo effect...
Background... about 2 years ago(well ok off and on in 12 years of marriage but more seriously in the past 2 years) hubby has talked about me getting a bf. or fuck buddy it seems to be of better terms for how it feels right now.. I finally changed my mono way of thinking(well not completely mono.. but since I was married I figured..mono...) He encouraged it.. texted about it. sent me links...pictures of threesomes...etc.. So I said ok.. Im fine with this but has to be someone I can care about.. Im not good on a no strings attached. If I remember correctly.. HE set up this acct(even though Im the only one that talks)
Now.. after 1 failed relationship due to the guy just being embarrassed after 6 months(not wanting the relationship known to anyone any of us know) I started dating again.. Trying to find one that well I could love honestly. I have met with a few but only 1 did I spend much time with. And it turns out we make good friends lol but thats it. Now the hubby is going back and forth with the its ok..its not ok.. its ok.. its not ok. Its every freaking week. This last time was this weekend. Friday he told me to go meet with this other guy. So I did. Guys really cool. Nice to hang out with. Could possibly be someone I could have more with. Although I am talking to 1 I havent met yet.. Its a toss up lol. So I met said guy, hung out for a few hours, came home(2am) went to bed. Got up sat(630am) fixed hubbys coffee like I do everyday he goes to work. He hugs me says love you bye and off he goes. during the next 2 hours.. texts nice messages. I call him and he proceeds to be a jerk. Then starts the How do I know you wont just walk out. And the whole bs about him no longer giving me what I need. THis continues for awhile and I finally just said Im done. Ready to walk out the door. This happens almost weekly. The go out hope hes nice guy.. to the getting pissed because he doesnt understand why Im doing this.. That hes not enough. I didnt talk to him hardly at all after this. And sunday night had another blow up where I told him this same stuff. Last night was the first time in awhile that we even had sex. Not saying I wanted to with him after all the crap for these past couple months.
Honestly.. Im ready to walk out on 12 years of marriage because of this crap. And Im at a loss at what to do. I feel like Im on a roller coaster with him. And Im worn out. Some of the insensitive crap he does dates back to day 1 of our marriage. I have been a SAHM more than I have worked in all these years. And well he takes a lot for granted. Unless reminded then its all good for awhile.I even told him to go find himself a gf lol. He says he doesnt want one.
Just tired and worn out and dunno which way is up.
Chris
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Old 07-20-2011, 11:33 PM
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Seriously, as long as this stuff has been going on, you guys could probably benefit from some marriage counceling.
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Old 07-20-2011, 11:59 PM
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I have thought of that too. And even suggested it at one time. But got the I dont need a stranger telling me how to feel. And he doesnt think things are as bad as I portray them. Then again hes not the one getting his head bit off either...

With all the problems some have in marriage I know ours isnt that bad. But I get tired of my emotions getting yanked around. And having no ideas as of WHY. I get tired of being treated like I am the one thats wrong. Especially in this situation. It took me a year to open myself up to a possibility that I was very open to as a much younger person before marriage. Its like do I stop and stiffle myself now that after all the encouraging hes now undecided on..to please him. Or continue and see where things go? I keep hoping when his work hours go back to normal (which should be in a couple weeks) and we have more time together as a couple the stress will lessen. I would understand right now if he said he wants the time hes home for me to be here(now if he would just SAY THAT ) but he hasnt. Hes encouraged me to go out but the next day is hateful.

Guess Im really just unsure where to go with him. Because I have kids it makes it hard to pack up and go because Im not happy with the way things are. Plus I really dont like running off from issues. And well 12 years later.. We have been through lots of things lol. Im just trying to figure out whats going on when hes not saying. And exactly what can I do to make it better. Frustrated. I love him, want things to work. Just have no idea as to how to make it work with the bullheaded part of him lol.
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Old 07-21-2011, 01:01 AM
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It seems like you need to fix your marriage before taking on more relationships. No, he hasn't asked you to close it up, probably because he is embarrassed that he asked you to open it up in the first place, but he obviously isn't coping. Just as couples think they can repair a broken relationship by adding kids into the mix, some people think that opening up a relationship will also be a healer. Sometime it can be but mostly it just emphasises the problems.
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Old 07-21-2011, 03:37 AM
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I agree with Sage. I think I would just leave the other relationships in all areas of your lives together alone while you sort this out. I think it would show that you seriously want this to work out between you both first and would give you a fresh start where no one has asked the other for anything.... it would be understood that once the work you need to do is done you will work towards starting new relationships.

Therapy is NOT about someone telling you how you feel! This is NOT good therapy... therapy is about someone walking beside you while you figure your shit out. They are there to invite you to look at things that maybe you have missed and to dig deeper in issues and emotions that you have.... Your partner doesn't seem to have a clue on this and I suggest he do some research... as I also think you could use some extra help here.
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Old 07-21-2011, 01:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I agree with Sage. I think I would just leave the other relationships in all areas of your lives together alone while you sort this out. I think it would show that you seriously want this to work out between you both first and would give you a fresh start where no one has asked the other for anything.... it would be understood that once the work you need to do is done you will work towards starting new relationships.

Therapy is NOT about someone telling you how you feel! This is NOT good therapy... therapy is about someone walking beside you while you figure your shit out. They are there to invite you to look at things that maybe you have missed and to dig deeper in issues and emotions that you have.... Your partner doesn't seem to have a clue on this and I suggest he do some research... as I also think you could use some extra help here.
I agree RP. I have been in therapy before for many years in my way younger years. It would be nice to have a 3rd party who doesnt have emotions involved in the situation help the communication gap that I thought we had bridged long ago. I guess I just hate not knowing what he is thinking right now and hes still not explaining.
Im gonna sit down with him tonight and try to talk and see where he wants to go from here. Some of the comments made makes me know that hes just being down on himself because his job. He seems to think I should divorce him and find someone who could take care of me better..(which I find to be a load of crap )but he has stated he just wishes life wasnt paycheck to paycheck most the time and his job has just made some situations worse in the past 5 years. Lovely economy has to many companies not giving raises etc....I told him the other day I was tired of being pushed away only to be yanked back because he got scared I really was gonna walk out the door.

Sage I also wonder about him deciding that he was wrong to open up our marriage like this. Thats why I gave it so long before I opened up and considered. I didnt want it to be something he was just kidding about. For years of the every so often comments I just laughed. Then for a year straight almost daily is when I started to take him seriously. I hate that as soon as I start having feelings for someone else it has become a issue. And I feel wrong that I did.


I can hope he will open up and talk to me tonight. I know I cant keep going back and forth because of the mood shifts. On any situation. Its not just poly stuff that does this. It happens at other life hiccups too. And I do get worn out and feel like a monkey in the middle between the 2 sides of his emotions...
Im going to bring up these suggestions and thoughts and see if he will discuss it all with me. Thank you all for what you have said. I do agree I wouldnt want to bring someone in while stuff is up in the air with his feelings. Still hard for me to always be the one to give in to him because of them.
Chris
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Old 07-21-2011, 03:12 PM
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I can see where you're coming from-- that you feel like you didn't jump into things until he convinced you it was ok and as soon as you found someone you care about the brown stuff hit the oscillating device.

One thing I've realized going through some of this stuff, is that there's a BIG difference in what you think is great intellectually, and then how that stuff affects you mentally and emotionally when it is a REALITY and not some fantasy in your head.

Basically it just brought out all of the stuff that was bothering him about himself, his job, etc. this WHOLE time. Yes, it would have been nice if he could just tell you what's bothering him, but honestly for most people this is hard, and stereotypically it can be much harder for men as they are not as used to tossing their emotions around in their head to figure them out like us women can be.

I would definitely try seeing this as something that put a spotlight on cracks and issues between the two of you that you need to work out together-- with the help of somebody who can help you keep the conversation on track, ask pertinent questions, and give you the tools to communicate better to each other and help you become stronger together.

What I'm seeing is that your hubs is feeling like a bad provider, and for men that can be traumatic as sometimes that is THE most important role they see themselves in. Helping him see that he's so much more than that to you, and figure out ways to improve the situation will help tremendously.

Good luck!!
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Old 07-21-2011, 04:13 PM
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It sounds to me like maybe he is setting himself up to be the VICTIM. And setting you up to be the "bad guy." When in truth, he feels like a failure -- but he'd rather be a victim than a failure.

It's black and white thinking, someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong -- instead of, something is missing in our relationship, what is it and what can we do about it?

It almost sounds like he is hoping you WILL fall in love with someone else and leave him, kind of like a passive way of escaping his problems and his responsibilities in life. He doesn't have to do it this way! He is scared. I think he's afraid he can't make you happy and he can't take care of his family the way he would like. Financial fears are real, I get that, but it sounds like he is frightened of intimacy, as well.

If he won't go to therapy with you, I always hear professionals suggest that you go alone. At least you can get some help sorting through which issues are yours and which are his. Sounds like he's blurring them. You deserve some clarity!
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Old 07-21-2011, 04:48 PM
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It almost sounds like he is hoping you WILL fall in love with someone else and leave him, kind of like a passive way of escaping his problems and his responsibilities in life. He doesn't have to do it this way! He is scared. I think he's afraid he can't make you happy and he can't take care of his family the way he would like. Financial fears are real, I get that, but it sounds like he is frightened of intimacy, as well.
This is something I have said to him. As far as him hoping I will. Then he tries to hold on tighter and say thats not it. But yet has said I should get the divorce and find someone else.. How is this not confusing???He says Im right he did say all of that and more and he doesnt want me to leave but at same time doesnt know what he wants. In the end it seems it falls back to me to make the peace. To let go. To do whatever it takes to please him. I love him. But Im feeling pretty numb to the whole situation right now. Whether he regrets opening up the relationship, that the fact all the fantasys in his mind became reality and he freaked or not..(which is Im sure a great portion of it too) Im being yanked back and forth. And its frustrating when I have no clue what to do because hes contradicting himself with each sentence.
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Old 07-21-2011, 07:05 PM
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And its frustrating when I have no clue what to do because hes contradicting himself with each sentence.
Right. And most likely that is because his feelings are changing in that short amount of time. One minute it's fine, the next the world is ending. This is exactly why he needs someone to talk to to help him sort through those feelings.

Very stereotypical here, but... men tend to not be able to identify exactly what they are feeling and/or why as easily as women. I read a great book on this by a male therapist, but basically his experience was that while women are often sorting through their feelings, why do I feel this, what does this mean... men do not do this and often they cannot identify what emotion they are feeling, they just know it feels BAD. They feel bad, they want it to stop. If X is making me feel bad, X needs to stop or go away. It becomes that basic. No, this is not healthy, but this is where many men are coming from. It takes WORK to find out why you're reacting to something, to sort through and identify what emotions are really there, to figure out what's real and what you're making up in your head. Here is where a good counselor is helpful.

On your end, basically... no, there really isn't anything you can do to help him with that. What you can do, is see someone to talk through the frustration with, and help you see that his conflicting daily emotions are not your responsibility, and you need to let them happen, but yet not get sucked into them so that they are affecting you so much. No this is not easy, it takes practice like most skills. But that's where counseling helps. Someone you can vent the frustration to, who will help you see what you can do to help, and what you can STOP doing to help and when to just sit back and let him deal.

I know as women sometimes it's really hard for us to understand how somebody can NOT know what they are feeling or why... it's just one of those things we have to accept as a difference.
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