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  #11  
Old 11-02-2011, 03:08 PM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Are you male or female? Straight or bi?
I'm a 24 year old bi male. I haven't ever been with a guy but I would like to try. MY gf is bi. My gf's partner is straight as an arrow.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Look deeply into your feelings around "casual" sex. Sex is always powerful, and the hormones released during foreplay, fucking and orgasm are biologically meant to cause a feeling of being bonded and "in love," as you saw with your "casual" partner who developed these feelings for you.
I don't see what you're getting at here. Can you word it differently?

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I think your very new gf has some double standards and lack of clarity going on. Personally I think a new relationship of only one month duration is way too early to demand fidelity... especially since she and her h sometimes take part in 3ways themselves!
I do think that on occasion it is hard for them to see my viewpoint because I hate talking about important things via phone/email/txt/etc. so I wait until I can see her in person. I think sex is one of those topics, she obviously has her fill living with one guy and occasionally seeing another, her bf is probably pretty satisfied since he can have sex with her whenever I'm not around, but I do only get to see her once or twice a week.

This week I only get to see her once so it is really difficult if I want to bring up an important issue and still have time to hang out and have fun.

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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I think you 3 need to have some serious talks, and take a good hard look at the fears your gf has around you having a casual or more serious relationship outside of your V. You are being groomed to be a unicorn (a male one, if you're male). Quite often unicorns are younger and more vulnerable emotionally and financially than their couple, and can be taken advantage of. Be true to yourself and work hard on establishing boundaries that are realistic for your age (the 20s are a time of experimenting and gaining self knowledge) and your life goals.
I do think my gf would be ok with me having a serious relationship outside of the V. She has been pretty forward saying that if I do have feelings for someone else that I should be open and honest about it.

I do enjoy having casual sex and I know that I want to try it with guys. That is obviously a need she can't fill so at some point that will have to be discussed. Maybe she would be ok with me having a relationship with a guy but not casual sex with him?
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  #12  
Old 11-02-2011, 03:57 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Why is it all about what she's ok with, though? This is an unequal situation in terms of time, energy and commitment from partner(s) in her life versus in yours. You're well within your rights to prioritize what *you* want and need, not what would make her most comfortable, especially since she can't be everything to you right now.

It's completely natural and healthy to want to seek more casual encounters and then see what might develop... I honestly don't see how you're supposed to find another serious partner if you don't explore (I guess some people only see others with the intention of getting serious, but for me starting slow and light and going from there leads to the best confections). And even if it's really just about the sex... that's ok!! As long as you're honest with your partners and they're honest with themselves, there's no reason anyone has to be hurt by it. If hurt feelings do develop that's for you to deal with, not her.

I know you feel intimidated by her age, experience, and intelligence, but you have to set the tone for this relationship that you are an assertive person with your own needs and desires that matter just as much as hers. You can be caring and listen to her and compromise with her (such as with the "just you for now, but with the intention of opening up after the winter" scenario I proposed), but if you accept something that leaves you feeling like you have lesser rights you'll both end up thinking less of you eventually.

Let me reiterate, as someone who also has her age and experience and is not unintelligent -- it is neither healthy not fair for her to tell you what kinds of other relationships you are allowed to have, *especially* when she is a relatively limited part of your life timewise especially when it's a double standard, especially when you're young and have barely begun to explore your sexuality, especially when the sole reason she can articulate is a concern for the emotional well-being of your partners and a vague discomfort.

Just because she knows a lot doesn't mean she can't be acting in a way that's unfair to you and controlling, probably without even realizing it. Stand up for yourself, negotiate with her, and your relationship will ultimately be stronger than if you just give in to keep the peace.
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  #13  
Old 11-02-2011, 04:00 PM
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Hear, hear! What Annabel said!

(Annabel, you rock!)
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  #14  
Old 11-02-2011, 05:55 PM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Why is it all about what she's ok with, though? This is an unequal situation in terms of time, energy and commitment from partner(s) in her life versus in yours. You're well within your rights to prioritize what *you* want and need, not what would make her most comfortable, especially since she can't be everything to you right now.
This is true. I would appreciate one or two changes. But I can't decide how hard to push. Do I push her to the point where if she doesn't agree it is worth breaking up? I like the compromise idea mentioned earlier, I can wait X months and see how things go. After that have another discussion and hopefully we can change the agreement.

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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I know you feel intimidated by her age, experience, and intelligence, but you have to set the tone for this relationship that you are an assertive person with your own needs and desires that matter just as much as hers. You can be caring and listen to her and compromise with her (such as with the "just you for now, but with the intention of opening up after the winter" scenario I proposed), but if you accept something that leaves you feeling like you have lesser rights you'll both end up thinking less of you eventually.

Let me reiterate, as someone who also has her age and experience and is not unintelligent -- it is neither healthy not fair for her to tell you what kinds of other relationships you are allowed to have, *especially* when she is a relatively limited part of your life timewise especially when it's a double standard, especially when you're young and have barely begun to explore your sexuality, especially when the sole reason she can articulate is a concern for the emotional well-being of your partners and a vague discomfort.
I do feel intimidated by her age, experience, intelligence, and the the fact that I am effectively a secondary partner right now. I usually am a very assertive person. I will discuss the casual sex issue (and a couple others) when I see her this weekend.

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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Just because she knows a lot doesn't mean she can't be acting in a way that's unfair to you and controlling, probably without even realizing it. Stand up for yourself, negotiate with her, and your relationship will ultimately be stronger than if you just give in to keep the peace.
Thanks AnnabelMore.
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  #15  
Old 11-02-2011, 06:12 PM
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I don't know if you can do this, but it really helps when one's in a sort of LDR to keep in touch by electronic means several times during the week. My gf and I also live 20 miles apart, a 45 min drive, and even though we are primaries, I don't think we'd've made it this far (almost 3 years) without daily IMing. It really brings us closer to be able to chat at the end of the day about mundane things (activities, friends, jobs, family issues, TV shows, errands we ran, whatever), as well as lovey sentiments and sometimes philosophical topics. It's so hard to find a good poly partner, it's worth the effort to keep closer in this way when we can't be physically together.
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  #16  
Old 11-03-2011, 03:14 AM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I don't know if you can do this, but it really helps when one's in a sort of LDR to keep in touch by electronic means several times during the week. [...] It really brings us closer to be able to chat at the end of the day about mundane things (activities, friends, jobs, family issues, TV shows, errands we ran, whatever), as well as lovey sentiments and sometimes philosophical topics. It's so hard to find a good poly partner, it's worth the effort to keep closer in this way when we can't be physically together.
Excellent idea! ...And interesting timing, my gf just suggested that we have a virtual lunch tomorrow. It sounds like a great idea. Thanks.
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  #17  
Old 11-03-2011, 04:13 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by BFTrick View Post
This is true. I would appreciate one or two changes. But I can't decide how hard to push. Do I push her to the point where if she doesn't agree it is worth breaking up? I like the compromise idea mentioned earlier, I can wait X months and see how things go. After that have another discussion and hopefully we can change the agreement.

It all depends on what you feel you want/need, and how intensely, AND how much you feel she is listening, respecting your needs, communicating with you about her own and compromising where possible. It's true it's not simple! But everyone has to figure out their personal boundaries, and this is you doing that. Listen to your feelings and you'll get it.

I do feel intimidated by her age, experience, intelligence, and the the fact that I am effectively a secondary partner right now. I usually am a very assertive person. I will discuss the casual sex issue (and a couple others) when I see her this weekend.

I think it's normal to feel an urge to defer to the more experienced person in a completely new, intense emotional situation. Maybe this would be helpful to you? http://www.xeromag.com/fvsecondary.html

Good luck, let us know how it goes!


Thanks AnnabelMore.
You're very welcome!
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  #18  
Old 11-03-2011, 06:33 AM
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I have a different take on this. I would go into this wondering when those threesomes occurred. Last year, last month? Has something changed now in them that wasn't important before. Are you that change?!

I think the other posters have been a bit too hard on her actually. What I am wondering is if she wishes you to not have casual sex with others because she wants the chance to get to know you better in a serious way and is concerned that you will be distracted or find someone else who can provide more than she can in terms or time. Someone that lives closer even. She could be feeling threatened and be talking about herself when she says that people get all emotional or whatever she actually said. I would be really careful not to make assumptions about what she said as control.

How much have you talked about where this is going? Its been such a short time. It seems that several posters seem to all have her wrapped up in a nice little package of who she is without clarifying and allowing time to unfold what is to be. What's the rush here? Dude is happy as it is. Sure there are things to work on in the future, but there always are and its only just begun. I agree, express your needs, give her some idea of where you want to go with this, but have some patience with her process too. She might not have all the answers on how she is feeling yet, especially if she is used to something more casual and now suddenly has two boyfriends, one of whom she doesn't get to be with as much.

I dunno, if I were her I would be saying similar things within this time frame if I loved you. Believing you are justified in going out and fucking someone that you don't know or care about just because you don't think she has a right to control you is dangerous I think. You could lose her on those grounds just out of shear lack of respect for her feelings that you don't seem to know anything about yet. I know I wouldn't be sticking around if I had decided to invest time, energy, love and a possible future with someone that said that I had no right to control them and that they were going to do whatever they wanted. That isn't the attitude I would look for in a partner and it would indicate that my poly is not their poly so "good bye."
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  #19  
Old 11-03-2011, 01:45 PM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
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I would be really careful not to make assumptions about what she said as control.

...

What's the rush here? Dude is happy as it is. Sure there are things to work on in the future, but there always are and its only just begun. I agree, express your needs, give her some idea of where you want to go with this, but have some patience with her process too.
Thanks for that. I'm still trying to figure out why she feels the way she feels about casual sex. As of right now I want to tell her how I feel about things (feeling intimidated, frequency of time, casual sex) and let things unfold. I don't think I'll be making any demands.

Thanks for some balance.
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  #20  
Old 11-03-2011, 02:43 PM
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I would just like to add that seeing someone once or twice a week doesn't seem infrequent to me. In fact, I'd view that as perfect! But I could see how you might feel deprived if you're the sort who wants a full-time partner with you every day, OR if you are comparing in your mind what you get to what your metamour (the guy she lives with) gets. So, be careful not to invest too much in comparing because nothing ever seems fair when we do that to ourselves.

I would also not let her age play into this - there's only fours years' difference between you! How much wiser could she be? She's still in her 20s like you are. She may have more experience, but so what? That doesn't negate your feelings about how you want to live your life. And while she and her live-in boyfriend may paint themselves as very experienced poly peeps, you have no idea if their style of poly matches how you would envision poly for yourself. There are so many ways to do it, and so many ways to do it badly. They could have totally fucked everything up before and that's why they're skittish about people getting hurt.

I do agree with RP that it's really new and you're worrying about stuff that seems out of proportion to the situation. It has only been a month, so why think about a "more complex living arrangement" or making any agreement not to see other people, when you are still just beginning and don't even know each other well yet? A month is... nothing! Once or twice a week for a month - so that means you haven't seen her much more than eight times. You still don't really know either of them yet, to be honest.

However, I do think it's important to establish what you want from the beginning, to avoid getting into a pattern in the relationship where you get walked on. You said in your first post: "We've had a few misunderstandings about casual sex that I need to clarify at some point. But for right now we are basically a closed group." Doesn't that seem backwards to you? That you would start off closed and then ask to open it? Think about it.

I would think it should be the other way around, that you start off seeing each other casually, and also see other people, explore your sexuality and other relationships, and then after a while, after you know her and her boyfriend really well (I would say, at least six months in, but even that's hardly any time at all), if there's undeniably love between you and not NRE or infatuation, and trust has been established between all three of you, THEN determine if she is someone you want to be in a closed relationship with. Basically, she is poly but now expecting you to be mono to her, if you're not going to also be with her other boyfriend.

So, I would say that you need to have a discussion about these boundaries she and her boyfriend have placed on you. You agreed to this in a way that indicates, since they were already a couple and seem to be experienced, that they are in charge and you're just going along for the ride to learn from the nuggets of wisdom they bestow upon you. It's not even a triad and you're feeling like an appendage this early on -- not a good sign! Well, I am sure you have much of your own wisdom and insight and preferences that shouldn't be taken for granted.

I think it would do you well to write down, free-associate, fantasize, about the things you would want from a poly relationship, look at what you're not getting from this situation, and tell her that that is what would make it work for you to move forward. Don't let her and her boyfriend make all the rules for your relationship. First of all, it's your relationship with her, not his. He should be managing his relationship with her, not yours. See what I mean? If they have rules among the two of them that affect you in a way that makes you feel shitty, then I would rethink being involved with her at all.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-03-2011 at 02:47 PM.
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