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  #1  
Old 10-31-2011, 09:45 PM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
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Default New Relationship. No Advice needed...yet.

I've been interested in poly for ~8 years and I finally found someone who actually is poly. On top of that she is super big into nerdy/dorky stuff which I love. Bla bla bla... long story short we are currently dating.

I don't have any pressing issues I just wanted to know if you guys have any pointers for someone who has read a lot of poly material but hasn't experienced any of it.

I'll give you guys a quick summary of where we are:

Approximately a month into this relationship and I feel nothing but warmth for her and her existing partner (we are currently a 'V'). He and I are actually pretty similar in a lot of ways (very logical, both comptuer programmers, both dorks, etc.) and we get along splendidly. I don't feel jealousy towards him but I am a tincy bit jealous about their living situation. They have been living together for a year now and I don't get to see her that often because she lives 45 minutes away. I realize that there isn't really anything that can be done about their living situation so it is something I just have to accept. Maybe at some point if things go well enough we can talk about a more complex living arrangement.

We've had a few misunderstandings about casual sex that I need to clarify at some point. But for right now we are basically a closed group. I am actually ok with casual sex but my partner and her bf are against it because they want to spend their energy on long term commitments. This is a little frustrating because I see her 1-2 times a week but it is a worthwhile sacrifice.
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Old 10-31-2011, 11:23 PM
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IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
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It can be difficult when distance is the issue. I currently live 1.5 hrs from my partner, it is really difficult sometimes. We really make the best of the time we spend together and we get creative on the inbetween days. Like a Skype date.

Good luck and have fun!
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Old 11-01-2011, 12:11 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Overall, this sound like a great situation!

However, I do wonder about the exclusivity thing, it seems like it could cause resentment in the long-term. You say they want to be closed because they're more interested in long term commitments, but why should that have to be the same for you? After all, you guys are in different situations -- she's got a live-in partner she's with 7 days a week whereas you're more isolated. To respect those differences, why can't you have a serious relationship with her and fill your ample spare time with casual relationships with others? And even if you are also genuinely interested in more serious relationships, having casual connections with others and seeing where they go is a good way to get there. She has two partners... can't you be heading in that direction as well? Why the control?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 11-01-2011, 01:05 AM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Overall, this sound like a great situation!
I'm very happy so far.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
However, I do wonder about the exclusivity thing, it seems like it could cause resentment in the long-term. You say they want to be closed because they're more interested in long term commitments, but why should that have to be the same for you? After all, you guys are in different situations -- she's got a live-in partner she's with 7 days a week whereas you're more isolated. To respect those differences, why can't you have a serious relationship with her and fill your ample spare time with casual relationships with others? And even if you are also genuinely interested in more serious relationships, having casual connections with others and seeing where they go is a good way to get there. She has two partners... can't you be heading in that direction as well? Why the control?
Well to be honest I don't quite understand her exact feelings on casual sex. I shouldn't say that they are against it because they occasionally have threesomes and what not but it is rare; and I think for the threesomes both of them were involved. I of course talked to her about it and seems that she is uncomfortable with the idea of it. For right now I cut out all of the casual sex but I want to understand her better so I'm sure I'll bring it up again.

I do agree with you that her priorities on having serious relationships vs casual relationships should have no affect on me.
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Old 11-01-2011, 02:33 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Crystal clear communication is mandatory in poly... there will be too many potential emotional landmines down the road, and if you're not understanding each other you won't be able to avoid them.

This can be hard for people sometimes, as in our culture there's this really silly idea that your partner should just magically understand you without you having to speak... that if they were connected to you they would be able to, like, read your body language and pick up on your feelings and figure it out. Best to nip that in the bud early... people aren't mindreaders, and it really is best just to talk it out! You can be gentle in coaxing her into doing so, but you've gotta be firm too -- this is too important to let slide (not the casual sex thing per se, although a double-standard will tend to wear you down if it's in place indefinitely, but the lack of communication that's causing the confusion about it).

It may be that she's afraid to be clear because she knows her feelings are unfair or irrational... like maybe she wants you all to herself and she's ashamed of that because it's obviously not balanced. Let her know that it's ok for her to tell you how she really feels, that you won't judge her and you guys will work it out together. Once you know where she's coming from you can choose whether or not you want to compromise. For instance, you could say "For your comfort I'd be willing to hold off on pursuing anyone else for now, so we can have more time to solidify our relationship, but I want to reexamine that after, say, the new year."
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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Old 11-01-2011, 02:46 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Let me add to this and say that it's not enough to understand what she wants... when it's a potential point of conflict you have to try to understand *why* she wants it. Then you can deal with the real issue, whether it's fear of stds, fear that you'll find someone unattached who wants to be exclusive with you and leave her, a feeling like casual partners should be something you share so you can use the experience to help bond the more serious relationship (I find that viewpoint kinda silly but some people really do think that way), etc. Sometimes it's something simple, but other times you've gotta keep peeling back the layers of the onion until you've exposed the underlying motivation. It sounds like you probably get that, but I thought it was worth stating.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #7  
Old 11-01-2011, 01:33 PM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Let me add to this and say that it's not enough to understand what she wants... when it's a potential point of conflict you have to try to understand *why* she wants it.
I totally agree.

We actually happened to talk a little bit last night and we happened to discuss casual sex a little bit. In her mind it is too easy to hurt people with casual sex. All too often one person ends up liking the other person and then there are hurt feelings. I can't say I disagree with this logic because my casual sex partner (as of a month or two ago) wanted more and I didn't reciprocate her feelings.
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Old 11-01-2011, 02:31 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Soooooo, I feel a little silly nitpicking on this, but... is there no room for people to develop feelings they didn't expect to have in the occasional casual threeway sex she and her other guy engage in?
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #9  
Old 11-01-2011, 05:52 PM
BFTrick BFTrick is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
is there no room for people to develop feelings they didn't expect to have in the occasional casual threeway sex she and her other guy engage in?
I think her problem with it is that it is often messy. Both of our last encounters ended with hurt feelings. But I see what you're saying, that she can also cause hurt in others and why should she feel free to engage in casual sex and I shouldn't. ...and I don't have the answer to that. Maybe she isn't interested in it since her last encounter? Maybe it is a frequency issue, several times a year is OK but not every week. It is worth talking about.

Oh, one other thing I should have added to my first post is that I am the young one in the relationship at 24, she is 28 and her other partner is 36(?). Both of them have previous poly experience. At the moment (because my previous casual sex partner just told me about her hurt feelings) I feel foolish as both my gf and her partner are against casual sex and one of their main reasons is hurt feelings. It doesn't help that both of them are very intelligent. It is a little intimidating.
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Old 11-02-2011, 12:39 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Hi BFTrick,

Are you male or female? Straight or bi?

Look deeply into your feelings around "casual" sex. Sex is always powerful, and the hormones released during foreplay, fucking and orgasm are biologically meant to cause a feeling of being bonded and "in love," as you saw with your "casual" partner who developed these feelings for you.

I think your very new gf has some double standards and lack of clarity going on. Personally I think a new relationship of only one month duration is way too early to demand fidelity... especially since she and her h sometimes take part in 3ways themselves!

I think you 3 need to have some serious talks, and take a good hard look at the fears your gf has around you having a casual or more serious relationship outside of your V. You are being groomed to be a unicorn (a male one, if you're male). Quite often unicorns are younger and more vulnerable emotionally and financially than their couple, and can be taken advantage of. Be true to yourself and work hard on establishing boundaries that are realistic for your age (the 20s are a time of experimenting and gaining self knowledge) and your life goals.
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