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  #11  
Old 03-10-2012, 07:45 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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If he's agreed to "work with you through this," then what's his problem with reading up on poly and learning what others have done to succeed and get over the bumps in the road?
Because he's worried about not implementing what he reads correctly, and he's worried that everyone else's opinions and experiences will end up overruling his own. He'd rather figure it out for himself, which means... no shortcuts, no help, no outside inspiration.
Well, I think that most books about polyamory don't preach to anyone about how to go about it. Most just give options and examples and encourage the reader figure out for themselves how to make polyamory work in their own lives. The book I suggested, Opening Up, is pretty much a collection of others' experiences with some suggestions on how to make things work, stuff to watch out for, resources, and a bunch of checklists (the author has a website: http://openingup.net/).

There are so many ways to live polyamorously, no one can really say "Here's how you should do it."
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  #12  
Old 03-10-2012, 10:28 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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If he was trying to build a patio for the first time, would he start by nailing random pieces of wood together in a vaguely patio-shaped heap, or would he look at how successful patios are usually built and use that as a starting point?
Not really comparable. Emotions don't follow the laws of physics. As someone who did figure things out for myself (with my husband for the last 14 years and now also with my partner) I can maybe sympathize with him, depending on his reasoning. I've never read any of the books recommended, because I've never felt a need to. I may have taken a slower journey than some to get where I am, but I never had a problem with that. If I had ever reached a point where I felt I needed help or my husband or partner felt we needed help, then I would have been happy to do some reading and get other perspectives and ideas to help my own brain figure things out. I enjoy reading other people's stories on this forum because I'm hoping to make friends with people who understand and accept my lifestyle, but reading stories in a book doesn't give me that same possibility for connections with actual people.

But like I said, it depends on his reasoning. If the person he's in a relationship with would like him to do some reading and research, I would hope he'd be caring, respectful, and open-minded enough to do so.
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  #13  
Old 03-11-2012, 12:03 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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I understand the "No one is irreplaceable" way of thinking. If someone leaves a hole in your life, the hole will be filled. Whether it's filled by another person, a hobby, a renewed focus on what you have, etc. It does not remain empty.

We walk around on eggshells when we fear losing people, but the reality is that no particular individual is a necessary ingredient for our happiness. In reference to love and friendship alike, that would be what I mean if I say, "No one is irreplaceable."

It sounds cold and hard, but if you find yourself in an unhappy or unhealthy relationship, the words have value.

If you're in a healthy relationship, a happy one, one that progresses through difficulties, then you really don't need to sweat the thought.

I would encourage your partner to do some "hard work" himself. You know what they say about an ounce of prevention? It's true.
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  #14  
Old 03-11-2012, 01:25 AM
SuddenlyStoneElf SuddenlyStoneElf is offline
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Originally Posted by Emm View Post
If he was trying to build a patio for the first time, would he start by nailing random pieces of wood together in a vaguely patio-shaped heap, or would he look at how successful patios are usually built and use that as a starting point?
Okay, I'll bite, even though building a patio is really not comparable to working on a relationship.
He would probably do the second, because then it is something concrete to work on that is outside his mind. It's not like he'd have to use his feelings as wooden planks, or something similar.
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  #15  
Old 03-11-2012, 04:51 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Not really comparable. Emotions don't follow the laws of physics.
True, but how often do you see the same relationship mistakes being made over and over again at least in part because the people making them are unaware of a pattern which is obvious to someone who has seen it before?
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I've never read any of the books recommended, because I've never felt a need to.
I haven't read any of the usually-recommended books either, but I cover a lot of ground online and have found a couple of "mentors"—for want of a better term—in the local Poly community.

My point is that it's not necessary to start from first principles. When studying for my engineering degree I learned about the fundamentals of how electricity works and performed experiments which proved what the books told me. I wasn't expected to independently rediscover it all myself. Sure, he can say "no shortcuts, no help, no outside inspiration" but in my opinion there is no great virtue in doing things the hard way just because it's the hard way.

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Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
If I had ever reached a point where I felt I needed help or my husband or partner felt we needed help, then I would have been happy to do some reading and get other perspectives and ideas to help my own brain figure things out.
That appears to be where the OP is, but her partner refuses to do any reading because that would expose him to someone else's opinions and experiences.

Last edited by Emm; 03-11-2012 at 04:58 AM. Reason: raNdom capITalisAtion
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  #16  
Old 03-11-2012, 05:26 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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There is no one way to be non-monogamous, nor to be polyamorous. You and he will have so many opportunities to sort things out and come up with your own solutions that work for you. You and he and any possible future partners will create your own way of poly. Your opportunities to experiment, refine, adjust and learn will be endless.

There is no poly police who will arrest you or he for 'doing it wrong'. Now people may read here, if they have done something really dumb, that, hey, that was rather dumb. This is not the place for those sensitive to generally constructive criticism. (I'm not saying your husband is sensitive in this way, just making a general point.)

That said, your situation is not unique. Others have faced similiar situations, fears, and other emotions. In fact certain themes come up so frequently as folks struggle with poly that they become cliches, like the unicorn. There is no one way but others have come up with ways to handle conflict, to communicate more clearly, to figure out what is going on in one's own head that can be really useful to a newbie or someone who's been poly for decades. All we can do is say here is what worked for me in this situation. Use, adapt or ignore as you will.

Of course some people cannot learn unless they do it themselves. I tend to avoid people who can only learn this way because I often find them wearying. But that is just one of my many personal preferences. Obviously you will feel differently.
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  #17  
Old 03-11-2012, 07:31 PM
Jericka Jericka is offline
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"He and I have had the same conversation back and forth, briefly put: I express a wish for deeper connection with him, then he tells me he needs alone time. I say it's fine, but I still want the connection; then he wonders why I don't put more effort into learning how to enjoy myself on my own (which is not the point for me), why I can't be patient with him when he needs to be alone, etc. It can get pretty bad.

Lately though I've had to put my foot down and explain that I have my own wants and wishes for my life, and the only way I have found so that he can have his downtime and me my social time is... to let me have my social time.

I'm afraid that started his brain hamsters running... I don't think he'd ever truly considered the implications of ME wanting to meet people before he did."


Congratulations on figuring out that you need something, and asking for it! This is a prime poly survival tactic.

Also, it's occasionally amusing to watch someone when they realize that what they are asking for goes both ways. Poly? Sure you can go find someone, if I can as well. Vetoes? Are you sure? Because I might not like someone you like.
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  #18  
Old 03-24-2012, 05:42 PM
SuddenlyStoneElf SuddenlyStoneElf is offline
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Originally Posted by Jericka View Post
Congratulations on figuring out that you need something, and asking for it! This is a prime poly survival tactic.

Also, it's occasionally amusing to watch someone when they realize that what they are asking for goes both ways. Poly? Sure you can go find someone, if I can as well. Vetoes? Are you sure? Because I might not like someone you like.

Thank you

About the veto, I'm already of the mind that if he finds someone he really likes and he's willing to explain why, and help me understand what she brings to him, why he likes her etc, I would be able to find it within me to like her, that is unless she's out there to split us up. Then I might have something to say about it... but heck, if he's that determined to be split up, I won't be saying much! =P

I wonder, from my entirely newbieish perspective, if it's ever a good idea to "veto" when it's obvious your S/O is not capable of taking care of everyone involved, and makes preference of one over another very obvious...
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