Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #81  
Old 07-27-2010, 04:12 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

This response is about how I would want to be treated and is based on how I treated people during my short lived online exploration.

It depends on the expectations of who you are talking to. If you are searching online, people generally include what they want in thier profiles. If they are specifically looking for a deep relationship and are looking to invest in you than I would tell them right away. That way there is no big surprise two weeks down the road after a connection has formed online or in person. I would consider holding this type of information back as a passive form of deciet designed to "trap" me because I am now emotionally involved and if I chose to walk away it would be more difficult.

I was very clear in my POF profile..."I barely want to know your name..I just want sex". Black and white. Those that contacted me understood 100% what I was looking for and I only got serious responses.

If you are completely upfront, you might not get as much activity but those that are curious and interested will be genuine at least in theory.

Now if soemone is just looking to hook up for casual sex then the importance of telling them becomes more a function of your expectations then theirs.

This is just how I would want to be treated again...not necassarily what you should do.

Take care
Mono
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #82  
Old 07-27-2010, 05:55 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

We have talked about this question before. If I were on a computer and not on my phone I would look for you...

In a nut shell I believe the consensus has been to be up front about everything from day one. Why ask for honesty, openness and good communication if you are not willing to offer the same.

Personally I would be hurt and angry if I didn't know from first contact pertinent information such as that.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #83  
Old 07-28-2010, 02:17 AM
PixieStyx's Avatar
PixieStyx PixieStyx is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Salt Lake City, UT
Posts: 29
Default

Ha Ha Ha!!! I'm confused about this same thing but I'm more worried about what family and friends will say than my boss. Seems how my boss in my bf. LOL Though the crappy thing about that is it puts a whole level of secrecy to our relationship as we are crossing all kinds of professional boundries.
Reply With Quote
  #84  
Old 07-28-2010, 01:03 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Jax, FL, USA
Posts: 125
Default

This is something I thought of instantly when my hubs and I first started discussing poly and if it was for us.

I don't think I'd tell my parents but most of the folks I'm friends with would be receptive to it and not hassle me which is nice.
Reply With Quote
  #85  
Old 07-28-2010, 02:58 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Indigo and I have an agreement that his parents need to know when we both have SO for a while ... We live in a small city and I know his mother would totally go all Momma Bear on my ass if she thought I was cheating!
Reply With Quote
  #86  
Old 08-13-2010, 12:22 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117
Question Coming out and inviting unwanted advances

Hi all!

So my potential partner and I were discussing "coming out" to people. We would both very much like to meet each others' families, but he and his wife are pretty certain that their 9 year old will pick up the vibe between us.

They describe her as "astute" and they live in a very small community with a history of unkindness toward those who are "different" (grr), so they would be afraid she would say something and it would have ramifications for them socially and professionally.

He's away this week visiting with a long-time friend and I joked with him that he could tell him that I said "hi". Long story short, he's pretty sure that his friend is attracted to, maybe in love with, his wife, and thus his hesitance to tell him. She is not attracted to him, and he's afraid of creating a rift.

I have never heard this discussed, but I'm sure there are others who have experience with this. How do you "come out", without making it seem like an invitation if it's not one?

Thanks in advance,
__________________
Christie
Married for 14 years to an amazing man, "David Webb" on the forum
Discovered that I was poly in January 10,
forging my path together with the best partner I could ever ask for!
Reply With Quote
  #87  
Old 08-13-2010, 06:33 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

do some searching on here for "coming out" tagged threads, there are some good threads that discuss this at length...

Its not easy for some and should be done at a good time. I would not suggest when one is in NRE over poly or someone they are just recently dating. Why deal with others stuff when you can have fun and get to know everything and everyone first. There is nothing like washing out the passion of NRE than an irate mother et al. Take your time and come out if you need to... that would be my suggestion
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #88  
Old 08-13-2010, 04:29 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,868
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by inlovewith2 View Post
Hi all!

He's away this week visiting with a long-time friend and I joked with him that he could tell him that I said "hi". Long story short, he's pretty sure that his friend is attracted to, maybe in love with, his wife, and thus his hesitance to tell him. She is not attracted to him, and he's afraid of creating a rift.

I have never heard this discussed, but I'm sure there are others who have experience with this. How do you "come out", without making it seem like an invitation if it's not one?

Thanks in advance,
How do you do it when you are single? Screw poly, or take it out of the picture. How do people deal with people who they aren't interested in romantically/sexually that are interested in you?...

For me it was just a straight up "sorry I am not interested"...if I care or like the person I might give a reason, if it is someone who I am simply acquainted with, I don't feel the need explain.

However, I don't assume the other person is interested. Come out, if there are advances, you have to deal with them as they come. Don't assume someone is interested sexual in another person, it can get embarrassing
Reply With Quote
  #89  
Old 08-15-2010, 07:23 PM
phoenix762's Avatar
phoenix762 phoenix762 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 48
Default

This really wouldn't apply to me, as I'm not in ANY relationship, let alone a poly one;0)

However, if I were, I'd just let the people know who I loved and trusted. That's all, pretty much.
I don't think people in my professional circle need to know (I work in health care).
Reply With Quote
  #90  
Old 08-23-2010, 11:45 AM
freeantigone freeantigone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kent, UK
Posts: 46
Default

We haven't yet decided whether we'll be 'out' or not. If we do decide to be out our families will not be told, in fact only a small circle of our friends will know. I am not intending to let work colleagues know, even if I am close to them.

I'm a very private person anyway, but I view my personal life as just that - personal. However much I'd love to be able to be open with everyone the risks of being judged, gossiped about etc. are too high for me to tell everyone. Plus professionally, being open about polyamory could affect my career. I work in education and professional boundaries have to be very clear.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
advice, coming out, coming out poly, coming out to kids, family, friends, invitations, mono, poly, quad, society, workplace

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:49 AM.