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  #71  
Old 07-20-2010, 01:43 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Sage, don't be disheartened. Give her some ttime to get used to the idea.
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  #72  
Old 07-20-2010, 04:13 PM
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For many teenagers, it's all melodrama in their lives. (Remember Romeo and Julet?) And they're trying to develop their own identity, which for some unfortunately means finding faults with their parents. (Mark Twain: "When I was 18, I thought my father was completely uneducated. But I was amazed when I turned 21 at how much the old man had learned.")

And your daughter has learned an important lesson; sometimes you REALLY don't want to know the answer. This will serve her well later in life.
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  #73  
Old 07-20-2010, 06:19 PM
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Thanks guys, I was feeling disheartened, still am really I suppose. The irony in the situation is that she said she really, really, really values monogamy because her father and I were so bad at it while she was growing up. We both had affairs in what was a very rocky relationship. If we had of been polyamorous, our marriage may have worked and I wonder if it would have changed her point of view.
My other daughter is more accepting, still thinks we're "abnormal" and she has also chosen a conservative Christian life.
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  #74  
Old 07-21-2010, 05:37 AM
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Well, if she has faith in monogamy becasue she witnessed you struggle to keep a rocky relationship together then maybe she will eventually accept and even embrace poly when she finds you to be happy and content in your choices. She cannot say you do not work on your relationships. There is something to be said for the journey and how you handle yourself-perseverence, discovery, acceptance, openness and self-actualization are all things we experience in and out of relationships. Coming out about anything unorthodox isn't easy, but rest in the fact that you have the strength to do so. You are a Hell of a woman!
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  #75  
Old 07-21-2010, 06:22 AM
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Thanks MG (sent me off into tears, but in a good way). You have been so helpful to me in this journey. I just need to get my head around the fact that it isn't always children trying to be accepted by disapproving parents. Sometimes it's the other way around and that's OK as well. I am trying to feel proud of myself that I'm still growing and not content to be the boring, invisible mother that I'm sure L would be much more comfortable with.
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  #76  
Old 07-27-2010, 03:23 AM
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Sage, I am new here and don't know your relationship situation, but it's likely that your daughter sees "monogamy" as a synonym for "fidelity" or "commitment". If those are part of your lifestyle, it might be reassuring for her to hear it. That being polyamorous doesn't mean your love life is without stability, or that you are adding and subtracting partners on a whim. People tend to want to be able to count on their parents to keep being who they think they are. Help her understand what this really means. I've been reading this site for just a few days and it's changed a lot of what I thought I knew about love and about myself. She might have all sorts of horrifying misconceptions scaring the heck out of her. It's bound to get better for you both. Good luck.
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  #77  
Old 07-27-2010, 05:50 AM
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Hi

And thanks for your supportive advice, I really appreciate your taking the time to give my situation some thought.

You are right in that she didn't realise that my partner Z doesn't just sleep around with people willy nilly. She was cool with that after a time. I think at nineteen and in a 3 year old relationship herself she projects her emotions onto me.
It was when I tried to explain a triad relationship that she lost it. I hope I don't offend anyone when I say she screamed at me that she didn;t want a "Lesbo mother". I found this attitude disappointing in my own daughter as some of her best friends are Lesbian and bi. She said that's fine for them but not for me. I was initially upset but now I see it as just another example of her wanting me to be something that I'm not. It has probably come from her father, he was very similar and it's interesting that these threads continue even after the marriage has ended.

Even though at the moment I'm pretty much on the mono side of poly I find having polyamory in my life a great personal growth experience.
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  #78  
Old 07-27-2010, 06:42 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Quote:
I was initially upset but now I see it as just another example of her wanting me to be something that I'm not.
I think teens would react this way to all sorts of things. You grow up with an image of who your parents are, and it shakes you up if that changes. It would probably be similar if she'd just learned that you wanted to spend winters in South America; or take up the accordion; or join a motorcycle club; or become a talk show host (assuming none of these fit in with your character before). I was about 19 when my mom decided to rent an apartment where she could spend time alone, and to join a new age drumming group. I felt like she betrayed my image of who she was supposed to be -at home making dinner for dad. But behind it all, daughters do want their moms to be happy. She'll come around.

As for the lesbian bit -no one likes to think of their parent having sex with anyone anyway! Grooossss! Again, I bet she'll come around. Especially if she accepts it in her friends.
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  #79  
Old 07-27-2010, 06:54 AM
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yes (sigh) I agree with everything you say.

I used to encourage my own parents to get a divorce. I could see they weren't happy and I thought their marriage was pretty pointless. But I'm in the minority. I have two lovely but conservative daughters and so we have this very interesting dynamic where they do the parent thing and I do the rebellion. I'm not trying to be rebellious I'm just trying to be me.
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  #80  
Old 07-27-2010, 03:36 PM
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Default Dropping the "P-Bomb"

I suppose this thread is a kin to the "Coming Out" thread; but I have searched the forum and not found what I was looking for. Now if someone out there has the magic touch with the search function and finds it, I apologize for the clutter.

My question that I am putting to the learned forum has to do with letting the person you are interested in on the fact that you are in a poly relationship. I have done this a couple times, and the reactions range from receiving hate mail, to more recently curiosity.

I want to be upfront and honest with all my interactions so I have always framed any time I have outed myself in the context of not wanting to lead anyone on and not wanting to lie by omission. I've waffled putting the fact that I am in a Poly relationship in my POF profile; because the reactions have been mixed, and I want to be upfront but not scare anyone off.

So I put it you: when's a good time to tell the person? is it an organic benchmark in the budding relationship? or is it more static (5 emails?6? etc.)? how do you frame it? I'd like some advice from secondaries out there too: how did you have it framed for you? what was your reaction? what was said that helped you understand it?

IM
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