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Old 07-27-2013, 02:04 AM
frogprincess21ca frogprincess21ca is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Edmonton. Alberta, Canada
Posts: 12
Default coming out and rejection

Hi all,

i have been struggling for months and finally decided to post here about my coming out to my family.

Firstly let me state that i am poly by my own choice. i have two wonderful male partners. One of 9 years ( P) and another of just over a year(Y).

last Christmas i decided that i wouldn't spend my holidays without my second partner. It is actually a rule that i have with my first partner that i believe is important to follow with my second partner because holidays are suppose to be spent with family.

Now i am aware that Holidays are probably not the best time to come out but around that time i was also very ill( i was steps away from being placed in the hospital) I considered that i might not survive my illness and decided that it was time to come out to my family. I didn't want them to find out after i had died.

Anyway i ended up decided to tell my mother first and then decide with her what to do. i though she was more open minded then she is. So i planed to go to coffee with her on a Sunday and told her that i needed to talk about something . She insisted i tell her Saturday no matter what. So i explained to her that i had two partners and that we loved each other and were really happy. This is not the first time my mother has been presented with poly or with open relationships. Most of my friends are in some form of unique and wonderful relationship that is good for them .

I was kinda shocked when she freaked out completely. Told me that what i was doing was against god(shes not overly religious i really don't know where that one came from). She couldn't accept it. and wouldn't help me talk to my father at all. She kept saying that she didn't want to know about my sex life when she used to regularly ask me for details that i refused to give to her about that. I patiently explained to her that it was about love and not about sex. That i was with two wonderful men because i loved them and they loved me. She further freaked out and basically said that she was against any form of different relationship including lgbt relationships. This one threw me for a further loop because she has had gay friends for years . I asked her about this and she again told me it was against god and that what they were doing wasn't right and i wasn't doing anything right. Things were going really bad where the conversations started to become unproductive and i finally had to tell her i love her and let her go. I told her that i would talk to her again after a few days letting things settle a bit.

Forward a few days my dad calls me up and tells me that they wern't disowning me but they never wanted to see me again or for a very long time. I tried to reason with him. I knew he was anti gay rights, i offered to get him resources so he could learn about my relationship. i tried to get them to meet with my second partner. But no they didn't want anything to do with me anymore and they didn't know what they were going to tell my grandparents. ***(tangent....my parents were extremely abusive while i was growing up, i have worked hard to have a relationship with them and keep my family together because they were all that i had...blood is supposed to stick with you through anything)

after this conversation i texted my sister and told her that i probably wouldn't see her for a while because of what happened. she stated that i was stupid and that i shouldn't be doing this to my parents.

Christmas rolls around and i spent it alone ....P spent it with his other girlfriend and Y was at his parents. my birthday was spent with just a text message from my father.

i tried rebuilding a relationship with them through texting but they still wont accept anything.

I don't know how to deal with the rejection. I hurt so badly that i can't do anything. I didn't do anything terribly wrong. other then being honest which in my personal belief is right. There is not much out there to support a situation like this that i have been able to find.i try to stay happy and strong but i am just starting to get so tierd and worn down. I love my partners so very much. I will not break up with one of my partners (this wouldn't help anyway). My men try to be supportive but there isn't anything they can do.

ive considered therapy but i can't find therapy that would cover this issue. I can't grieve for the loss of my family because they arn't dead . And i know i will run into them so time. they live really close to me. i havn't figured out how to deal with this. I even asked if they would consider counselling with me to work through our problems and they declined and basically told me that they can't accept my choice and never will.

can anyone out there relate , has anyone gone through this, does anyone have a idea on how to cope with all this pain.
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Old 07-27-2013, 03:46 AM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

I am so sorry about what happened, and that you are hurting so.

You are a very strong person. Not only for opening up as you did, but for working so hard to maintain a relationship with people who are abusive. While you didnt go into detail about your childhood, it seems to me that this abuse in another form.

Therapy might help you understand them better, which might ease your mind somewhat. However, as far as they are concerned, it appears they have no desire to change, grow, and understand. You have reached out and they have declined. In that regard there isn't much you can do, except take care of you.

I wish like hell I had some magic words that would make them come around, but I don't. The only thing I have noticed is that abusive people seem to have a lot of fear in their hearts. A lot of people think hate is the opposite of love, but really it is fear is the opposite of love and destroys every good and wonderful emotion.

You are a strong person. You will survive this.
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Old 07-27-2013, 12:16 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 484

I am sorry you are hurting.

Originally Posted by frogprincess21ca View Post
***(tangent....my parents were extremely abusive while i was growing up, i have worked hard to have a relationship with them and keep my family together because they were all that i had...blood is supposed to stick with you through anything)
This is something I don't believe in. People who hurt you, don't respect you, don't see you as you are, don't accept your life and your choices - they are not healthy or good for you, no matter if they are your family or not (I would even say that being hurt and not respected by your family, for most people, is even worse than being treated like that by non-family).

The only way YOU can grow, and get through this, is by accepting that they will not change (ever) and that you are the one making the decisions here.

You have 2 partners who, as you describe, are good, loving, caring people in your life. They are your family. Build a new family, from friends and people around you who you can be yourself with, who love you for what you are, not for what they want you to be.

Letting go of these blood ties may be very hard and painful. But by doing this you are choosing yourself.

I know a lot of people are of the opinion that you should always try to repair damaged family dynamics, love your parents no matter what, etc. I don't agree. You did not choose to be your parents daughter, you did not choose to be treated badly by them. You CAN choose to choose your own life.

Good luck.
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 2 + years
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Old 07-27-2013, 01:03 PM
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Ambyer Ambyer is offline
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 29

Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
This is something I don't believe in. People who hurt you, don't respect you, don't see you as you are, don't accept your life and your choices - they are not healthy or good for you, no matter if they are your family or not
I'm very sorry, but I agree with Cleo here, it's not healthy for you to keep trying to make them become family, and they have obviously shown that they won't. Sad as it is, I have written off family of my own, my blood mother, for similar reasons. It had nothing to do with me being poly, though I assume at the time she had her suspicions, but it was because she never accepted me as the person I am.

It sounds like you have the building blocks of a great family now. Treasure that and work to build on that. Don't let the negativity of the others get you down.
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Old 07-27-2013, 01:32 PM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 395

I am so sorry. Reading this made me so sound.

However, like Cleo, I feel the most important detail here is the detail you dismissed as a "tangent": your parents were abusive to you. They still ARE abusive to you. You do not need them in your life.

I definitely recommend therapy to talk about your parents' abuse. I don't think the issue is poly here; it's that you're parents are emotionally abusive.

I'm sad that you feel so guilty about your poly life now. Please trust your instincts and stick with your chosen family (your partners) and not your blood family.

Also, do your partners know how sad you were to be left alone on Christmas? Did you communicate to them how in-need-of-love-and-care you felt at the time? Why didn't Y invite you to share Christmas with his family? Have your two partners been more supportive of you since then?
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
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Old 07-27-2013, 02:08 PM
frogprincess21ca frogprincess21ca is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Edmonton. Alberta, Canada
Posts: 12

You are of course all wonderful and all right . I'm beginning to see this as a whole multi layered issue.

The first part which i am looking at is more of the how to deal with the negativity directed towards coming out. In particular to loosing ones blood family. Also with loosing friends that were suppose to be with you for a long time/lifetime.

The second part is the abuse. which i have been trying to deal with since i was young. I have had therapy but i don't think its gone into enough about this.

i have chosen to try to cut my family out of my life mostly. but it hurts so bad. I want a parents and siblings that love and respect me. I want this with all my heart. the little girl in me wants this so badly. i struggle with accepting the idea that my family is so ignorant and abusive. i struggle with the idea that they can't accept me as i am when i went out of my way to accept them . Its not like i killed someone, i just love more then one person.

i get so angry because i have always done everything for them and when i was honest i just get more of the same abuse....i know i should expect it but the heart still wants that good loving family. i guess in alot of ways what you want and what "should" be isn't always what you get.

As to Christmas they are aware but i think in some ways i wanted them not to have a terrible holiday because of how things were with me. Both my partners don't know what to do or think or suggest. They hug me and provide lots of love but in the end they are kinda shocked about what happened as i am . I think its made them less likely to come out because of what happened now.

i still want to hear if possible about how others have handled this. it helps to make me feel less alone on this path in life .
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Old 07-27-2013, 03:31 PM
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UnitedForNow UnitedForNow is offline
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 10

My heart goes out to you {{{{hug}}}}

Hurt and confusion after such rejection is normal. Wanting living parents is a normal emotion. So is searching for answers to "why?".

Have you heard of the term "radical acceptance"?
If not, It's a wonderful way to let go of expectations. It sounds simple, to let go, yet it is a process.

If you are interested I can tell you more.

For now it would be very beneficial if you spoke with a therapist about this. You've suffered a major loss and they can help you process it. Therapists are ethically bound to be open and can help you work through this loss, no matter your living arrangement.
Change your perception and you change your life.
Nothing changes without changes.

Me ~ 48 bi-sexual female
Primary partner ~ 54 heterosexual male
secondary partner ~ 43 bi-sexual female
** we are working on forming a triad, though our secondary partner is more for me since my primary partner travels **
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Old 07-27-2013, 04:36 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Posts: 306

So I'm going to try and keep this short. I understand what you are going through, trying hard to have some sort of relationship with your parents, even though they were abusive. I have spent many months in hospital for mental issues and it always came back to me trying to have a relationship with my family even though they were abusive. At one point a therapist actually looked at me and had this little exchange:

"You're the one who just lost your mother?"

"No, my mother is still alive."

"Oh that's right! That's the problem!"

I have gone through many therapists trying to figure out how to deal with it, and the one that helped the most was the one that had me draft a divorce paper and send it to my mother. It has taken a lot of time to come to terms with the fact that my mother, was never really a mother. She was abusive, and even now we don't have a mother daughter relationship. I was not able to cut ties with her completely, for various reasons. However, I am able to live my life now without worrying. You see, it finally sunk in. I would spend my life trying to have a relationship with her, wanting that. She was not going to put in any work. A relationship, of any kind, can not work if both people aren't going to try.

So what worked for me? I leaned on my partner. We have kids, she wants to see the kids, so we put up our rules. No abuse, no swearing, and if she pulls the same crap (namely promising she'd be there and then not be and expect that they are kids so would get over it), then she lost the chance to be a part of their lives. The first time we enforced it, it was hard. She swore at me, she got mad, she called my siblings to call me and complain about how much I was hurting her.

My partner took the brunt. Willingly. He knew that it wouldn't hurt him and that he was strong enough so he just told them I wasn't talking to them at this time. We closed ranks, so to speak. Our family was our priority. My partner, my children. We worked on our family. My mother backed off for awhile but then she wanted to see the kids. From that point, she and I have a superficial but working relationship. I know she won't ever be the mother I want, need, or deserve, but I'm okay with that. She oversteps, tries too hard to act like we are friends, I just smile and nod, then cut off the conversation.

No, you can't find a therapost to help you grieve someone that isn't dead. BUT, you can find one to help you grieve that the mother you are waiting for, is not going to show up. That you can be okay with that, that you can move on. I've learned to accept those few good things I DID get or learn from my mother, realize she is just human, and that she just shouldn't have been a mother. Most definitely none of that was my fault. No matter what she believes or hangs onto. That's her issue.

Or as Ru Paul says, "What other people think of me is not my problem."
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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Old 07-27-2013, 04:46 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 757

In situations like this there is a non-alignment of emotions and logic. Emotionally you want the loving, supportive family you never had, but logically you know that isn't going to happen. This non-alignment causes a lot of distress. So the question becomes how to get your emotions to let go of what they want so badly, but can't have.

For me, being aware that there is a disconnect between what I feel and the facts is a good start. I realize it sounds elementary, but when a person like yourself has been hurt very badly, and still wishes for the relationship (I have been there short term - not with parents), we tend to ignore our own emotions until something major occurs and we can't any longer. I am willing to bet that before the rejection over your lifestyle occurred, there were 1000 tiny hurts wielded by your parents that you dismissed as being unimportant, ignoring your own pain to keep the relationship alive. We fool ourselves by thinking things like: "Oh they didn't mean that," or "that sounded worse than they meant it," or "I am probably just being over-sensitive."

I found that part of my own process, included having to go back and deal with all of the shit I had ignored, trying to convince myself the person in question hadn't really hurt me, when in fact she did - and she meant to!

Like you, I had supportive, loving people in my life who had no magic answers, but were there while I worked through it. The sucky part is it takes time. A lot of time. And it is time we wish we didn't have to spend because we want the pain to stop NOW.

My best advice is to talk about it - whether with a therapist (and given that theses people are your parents that might be wise), your guys, your friends, on this forum. Don't let this shit just spin in your head like a hamster on a wheel.
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Old 07-27-2013, 06:29 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Posts: 838


I don't really have anything constructive to say, but only that I have had an estrangement too, I know it hurts.

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