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  #181  
Old 10-11-2011, 03:54 AM
sayhaw sayhaw is offline
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I suppose I "care" that's why I don't share this interest with everyone openly and haven't shared with any of my family members. However, I also feel somewhat the same... once I've told some friends I figure they will either like me or not. So far a good group of them are okay with it. Yay! Now there are some my husband and I are holding back on since we pretty much know there view points- and heck- not ALL our friends/family etc need to know EVERYTHING- Right?
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  #182  
Old 10-11-2011, 06:21 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Today is National Coming Out Day, btw! I posted on facebook about being bi, which is no secret anyway. Not quiiiite brave enough yet to post about poly, even though all those close to me know. I *did* put up photos of Gia, Bee and Davis in my office at work, maybe I'll be brave enough to say who they all are to me if someone asks.
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  #183  
Old 10-13-2011, 06:53 PM
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rory rory is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Just as parents need to accept that their children are adults making their own choices, part of the growing up process is accepting that our parents are no longer our parents. It is possible to see them as just people. Yes, they are the people who gave us life, instilled their beliefs and values in us, loved us, nurtured us, and raised us, but they aren't parenting us anymore and at some point there has to be a disengagement from the emotional need for their approval. The only way I know how to do that is to stop thinking of them as our parents. Really, to step back a bit and start looking at them as almost strangers you are just getting to know. That doesn't mean we don't honor them and show respect for what they gave us, but it is a letting go of any romantic notions that they still have power over us. It can be done. I know people who have, and they have wonderful friendships with their parents because of it. I was able to do that with my father, which freed me a great deal from unhealthy attachment to him, but I couldn't completely do that with my mother. It's a process, but it starts with proactively choosing to see them differently.
Thank you for this. I think that's an excellent aim. I think there's a lot of baggage with my father, which is making it hard. I haven't been able to forgive him some things, and communicating with him raises a lot of difficult emotions. I really don't want to hold a grudge, and I believe he's sincere in that he admits his responsibility and regrets a lot of the things. I don't know why I can't reach forgiveness, since in my other relationships I don't find it difficult at all. I do think that I've made some progress with the process you're describing, the intense sad feelings I had when writing that post are quite uncommon, and I generally don't care a lot about his opinions. I think there may have been more contributing to that than what I felt the reason was..
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  #184  
Old 10-13-2011, 07:28 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Originally Posted by rory View Post
Thank you for this. I think that's an excellent aim. I think there's a lot of baggage with my father, which is making it hard. I haven't been able to forgive him some things, and communicating with him raises a lot of difficult emotions. I really don't want to hold a grudge, and I believe he's sincere in that he admits his responsibility and regrets a lot of the things. I don't know why I can't reach forgiveness, since in my other relationships I don't find it difficult at all. I do think that I've made some progress with the process you're describing, the intense sad feelings I had when writing that post are quite uncommon, and I generally don't care a lot about his opinions. I think there may have been more contributing to that than what I felt the reason was..
I think it can be easier to forgive others as opposed to our parents because there can be a great deal of expectations as to what parents are "supposed" to do, give, and be in a child's life. We want them to be certain things for us, but in the end they are just people like everyone else.

In one of my counseling classes my teacher expressed how it may be helpful to go through a "grieving" process -- to grieve for the mom (or dad) you wanted to have, but didn't. Grieve the fantasy of what you would have preferred... because in a way it IS a loss that you didn't have that.
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  #185  
Old 10-13-2011, 07:48 PM
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rory rory is offline
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^I think I have done that, and I've moved past it to anger, and hate. I try to let go of that, but it always raises its ugly head. I guess I'm not good at handling it since those are scarier feelings for me. (This is getting a bit off topic, but I appreciate the responses. )
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  #186  
Old 11-23-2011, 09:31 AM
Laluna Laluna is offline
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well i'm luck to have been raised in a very open family life style. there have been a few poly family friends, my sister was born following my fathers vasectomy, which certainly raised a few eyebrows in the extened, very christian family.

for me it's always been natural to love, as much as you can and whom ever you wish and to express that in whatever form suits. i do discovered the term poly when i was about 17, didn't look into it much but it seemed to fit and i explained the concept to my mother and a few friends at the time.

i still think i'm a bit of a poly virgin, having only been in one relationship which was essentially a monogomous one. my partner of three yeaars and i have now technically split up, but are still living together and exploring the idea of a poly relationship, somthing i want and he's still unsure of being able to handle.

so as it hasn't been a practiced life style i haven't had to *come out* as such. i expect i would recieve a similar response to what i already get mentioning my fathers boyfriend, which varies from suprise to confusion but everyone has been quite accepting.

my friends are a very open minded alternative bunch, my teacher is poly and i'm an artist so i don't have any employers to worry about. well exept for my part time job in a traveling carnival freakshow.

so the only people in my life whose reactions come under serious consideration is my daughter, whose exposure will be limited until her father feel more comfortable. and as i am not practicing a poly lifestyle it doen't matter so much.

suppose the point is i am confident that all the people in my life are open minded and accepting. this however does not mean they are comforable being in a poly relationship themselves.
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  #187  
Old 11-25-2011, 08:31 PM
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ChloeJane ChloeJane is offline
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As a LGBT advocate and political activist for a long time, I have seriously been questioning whether to come out as a bi-sexual polyamorist for some time now. I have collected thousands of signatures for petitions for queer rights to the UN, joined coalitions to keep "gay books" in libraries in the State of Washington, and have my business listed on every gay friendly site that exists. I am an equal rights employer, have mentored young queers in business and life, and put advertisements in queer magazines/papers to support their work.

But me? The public knows me as a straight, married businesswoman. Up until last year, I had never actually been with a woman, and it has been a true awakening process in my life. I am now with my third girlfriend, and it's a wonderful relationship that could last a long time. My husband and I see her regularly.

I have told my close friends about all three women in my life and experienced a lot of acceptance and support (I don't have any bigoted friends that I know of) but know that "the public" can be a different story. I have a high profile in my community - I am on a first name basis with the mayor, attend a lot of prestigious community events, get invited to sit in boxes for hockey games, have won a lot of awards presented to me by some bigwigs in politics for environmentalism and community involvement.

Some of my friends say that this makes it an even more powerful statement to come out. That because I already have earned respect for what I do, and who I am in my community that it will turn their stereotypes on their heads, and give them a practical example of a "normal person" being into an alternative lifestyle. I also know that given today's political arena, that there is a certain cache in knowing someone who is GLBT. I am still reluctant though. I am protective of my private life in general, and don't like the idea of being able to be written off by people who previously respected me. I fear losing my effectiveness as a community member based on bigotry from the Religious Right that also holds a lot of power/influence in our community. I had three people of significance put me forward for a position on City Council this year, and I can see myself doing a good job serving my community down the line... what if coming out changes their viewpoints in my capability or the appropriateness of serving my community?

When I was in my teens, you could see my politics all over me; shaved head, piercings, always at a ralley, march or protest. Now I am in disguise - long blonde hair, snappy dresser - same politics, but camouflaged. And I have discovered that I create MUCH more positive change WITH hair than without. That my outward appearance makes people comfortable, and capable of actualizing my politics in arenas that ripple out and create tangible change for others in my community.

It's an interesting place to be - at first I thought it was just a phase, and that I would experiment and be done with it. But I love women just as much as I have ever loved men; I have even toyed with the idea of having a female primary partner down the line should I ever be single again (I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but you just never know how life will unfold!) I am in the middle of two worlds right now.... decisions, decisions.

My sister knows and is super accepting - she is trans, poly and heavily into the BDSM scene. My parents? Not yet.... but I doubt they'd be overly surprised that they've raised two weirdos, given that they're two weirdos themselves LOL. (I use the term weirdos in a respectful, joking way here, to be clear!)
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  #188  
Old 11-26-2011, 11:58 AM
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rory rory is offline
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Wow, ChloeJane, that's a tough one!

I can see how you can do a lot of good in your position, and that might be threatened if/when you come out. Then again, being out might cause other kind of good things. And I totally understand your concern for your career. While I really value openness, I find it unlikely that political community would be ready for public polyamory. Bisexuality, maybe, but poly is just so "out there".

I'm a student now, but some of my dreams for future involve a position not unlike yours, so I've been pondering these kinds of things a bit lately. I'm out now, but I'm not sure if that would be feasible in a political workplace (where you're not supposed to advertise your personal life, and yet it's ok that everybody knows you're married ).

From what you tell about your position, I think I would not commit to never coming out, but neither would I do it just yet. I would wait until I'm on a REALLY stable basis with the girlfriend, as in, when I would be ready to get married was it allowed by law. At that point I would consider coming out. It's like with public figures in gay/lesbian relationships: they are a "role model", they have to show that same-sex-relatioships are committed and respectable and all that. If you do go public, you can't have a messy (or even a non-messy) break-up with either of your partners without it being held as evidence about poly being non-committed (because monogamous straight couples never break up, right? ). And I guess you might need to commit to polyfidelity, because I'm sure any outside sexual relationships would attract even more unreasonable amounts of scandal-seeking media attention than they do with the straight&monogamous public figures.

Then, I don't know. Somebody who is in your position, and ethically poly, might be able to have a big impact on public perception of polyamory. If they are careful about how and when to come out, but not without a considerable personal risk.
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  #189  
Old 11-26-2011, 06:10 PM
riftara riftara is offline
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I want to be out so bad. Iwant to explain to my mom whats up, i think she will have more of problem with me having a gf than anything else, she knows Im with F, and John is coming home soon, her thoughts have been just "things will be interesting" she doesnt have to much of a problem but i havent really explained it.
My boyfriends dad and stepmom know, and some siblings and cousins

I dont know if our other parents will ever know
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  #190  
Old 11-26-2011, 08:41 PM
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ChloeJane ChloeJane is offline
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Originally Posted by rory View Post
Wow, ChloeJane, that's a tough one!

I can see how you can do a lot of good in your position, and that might be threatened if/when you come out. Then again, being out might cause other kind of good things.
I too see both sides of this. In some ways, I feel like I am coasting under the radar while my brothers and sisters in the queer world have fought with their whole beings (including their lives at times) to push forward awareness and demand to be respected, and of that, I feel ashamed. I help them fight for their rights openly, but am now hiding how I live? It's a double standard that bothers me on a fundamental level.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post

Then, I don't know. Somebody who is in your position, and ethically poly, might be able to have a big impact on public perception of polyamory. If they are careful about how and when to come out, but not without a considerable personal risk.
I think that's the important part of it; when and how I come out, should I ever get to that place.... And yes, I also agree with knowing that my relationship with my girlfriend is more secure, because being polyamorous AND promiscuous would be the kiss o' death
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