Raising Children In Poly Families?

[Erosa]

I would like to hear how those of you who pratice poly and also have children have raised your kids in this format.

At some point in my life I hope to have children of my own, or to be in a relationship where my partners have children. But I would like to know what the success of failure rate of this is and how raising kids in a poly frame work home is different than in a mono home?

[rolypoly]

I haven't figured this one out yet. But, I want children hands down, no doubt. I'm 31, so time's ticking and my biological clock is L-O-U-D!

Both the people in my life know that I want children and would make wonderful auntie and uncle. But, I don't see either of them wanting to be direct co-parents with me.

The two main needs that need to be met before I have children, the way I see it, are money and energy. I would be an amazing mother, I think, but I am not financially stable enough yet and don't have a large enough home for kids. I also need breaks because of chronic low energy.

I've thought about lots of scenarios. I've had very unsuccessful relationships and have started rethinking the whole conventional scene of living with a man, getting pregnant, having kids together. I could easily live with a platonic friend who also wants children and would be interested in helping out with things like cooking and putting the kids to bed. Having a roommate/platonic friend would help a lot with rent/heating costs. My lovers would be involved too, but not necessarily mommy and daddy.

Not sure if this is what you were after with your questions, but this is where I'm at with parenting in my life.

I would also love to hear how others do it.

[constlady]

I have a slightly different parenting tale than most but I'll gladly share it here.

My own kids are all adults now, my youngest will be 21 in just a couple of weeks. However, I've had custody of my oldest granddaughter, who is now 11, for over 3 years and I've recently gained custody of an 8 year old grandson and 3 yr old twins, a grandson and granddaughter.

Without the love and support of my polyfamily, there is no way that I could do this as a 45 year old single mom/gramma.

While the change in my circumstances has caused us to put on hold plans to have the entire family under one roof, we are in truth a single, rather large family.

Having so many adults around to be a consistent part of the kids' lives has been such a benefit for them. They all adore their grownups and as things unfold, special relationships are blooming between individual kids and adults.
The 3 year old girl can be quite a handful, but she's taken a shine to Rosevett's boyfriend, M and when the rest of us are at wits end with her, he has a way with her that calms her down.

Another bonus is the availability of other adults for some of the logisitics; Rosevett and M watched the kids so R and I could get away for our one year anniversary. In what other world would my boyfriend's other girlfriend and her other boyfriend babysit so that could happen?
The guys have also watched the kids so that Rosevett and I could have our Girls' Night Out.

The young adults in our family are wonderfully accepting of all the members and have also become a huge part of the little one's lives.
Rosevett's daughter and her boyfriend took the kids to get pumpkins for Halloween and to the playground for the afternoon so that the adults could have some quiet time to catch up, my daughter and her boyfriend help out in many ways and even my son has stepped up to the plate when I need him.

I'm not sure the littler ones grasps the "who's who" in our configuration, though the oldest granddaughter does. They all just know that this is our family and they love being around them.

We are far enough away physically that picking kids up at school or handling medical appointments really isn't an issue but the local folks are becoming accustomed to seeing a variety of configurations of our family in attendance at sporting or school events and I've not yet heard a negative word.

I am totally out at work and include the 3 other adults in as many work events as I can. Since many of my coworkers are also parents in our school district, that means they know of the situation and I've yet to see any negative impact on the kids from it.

As for my grown children, well my daughter describes our relationship this way: My mom's boyfriend has another girlfriend who has another boyfriend and they all hang out together.
As long as I'm happy (and I am!) my kids are happy and that is a wonderful thing.

[LovingRadiance]

My kids have always lived in a "poly family" though it was often not a sexual-poly dynamic.
My sister has lived with us most of their lives.
The last 7 years or so GG has lived with us.

We recently "came out" poly (September). All of the kids living with us are privy to this information. So is the rest of our extended family.

Honestly the kids reactions were... not. They didn't care one way or another who was sleeping with who. They already had all of us in their lives, already accept all of us as family (they've always called GG "uncle") and they already knew he was our youngest child's bio-father as he was the sperm donor that allowed her to exist!

We've found that life is ALWAYS easier for the kids with more of us here. They KNOW they can count on ANY of the 4 of us. So if mom or dad isn't available-it's ok, they have auntie or their uncle.

Ours are 18, 13, 9, 2 years and have lived in this type of environment their whole lives... though as I said not always were we open about who was sleeping where.

[rosevett]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

We've found that life is ALWAYS easier for the kids with more of us here. They KNOW they can count on ANY of the 4 of us. So if mom or dad isn't available-it's ok, they have auntie or their uncle.

As I sat reading this thread with my 21 yr old daughter - she said that 'ya this paragraph rings true'.

My children 21 & 19 have lived in a polyfamily for over four years, technically knowledgeable about 'poly' for the last 2 or 3 and have always loved my past partners as father figures that have never left their lives. We are blessed, and I'll share that my daughter has choosen or is wired(we haven't clarified) monogamy

[ladyjools]

we would like to have children,
i actually just had a baby 4 months ago that was born still, i would like to try again though the idea of it terrifys me at the moment,

we had decided to always be honest with our children about our life, no secrets, and R and C would be involved in the upbringing of any child regardless of who father was however the children would know who dad was but would have extra uncles, and maybe aunts,

i am paranoid because of my own abusive past about the chance my future children may be hurt and so i will have to have a lot of trust in any adults we have in our childrens lifes,

Jools

[redpepper]

I have a 6 year old. Much of his life is threaded through my stories and in sharing my life on here. Especially in the spring when I first came on here and in our recent coming out threads, if you care to look.

In a nut shell we went through discussing how to approach Mono staying over, me not being home at night sometimes, what to do about sleeping arrangements whilst camping and most recently about the threat of him being taken away and my parents accusing Mono of mistreating him.

It's been an interesting ride but now has settled into something like Rosevett talks about but on a smaller scale.

My boy knows that Mono is family and has asked that he be. He has welcomed him with loving arms and cherishes his presence in his life. Mono looks after him often, picks him up at school, watches cartoons with him in the morning, makes his food, showers him down before bed... all the stuff a parent would do. He does stuff with him that neither his Dad nor I are interested in and my boy LOVES that! It makes me very happy. They have plans together and if I spend too much time "hogging" Mono, I get into trouble.

I love that Mono leaves disciplining and decisions up to us. He discusses strategies when need be, but always respects that he is our child and it's our choice how things will be done. Mono has a 16 year old daughter so his experience has been invaluable.

I can't say enough that the more love a child gets the better. Spoiling them with more loving grown ups around them is by far the best that they can have. Why would we not want to give our kids the best?

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by redpepper

...if I spend too much time "hogging" Mono, I get into trouble.

Priceless!

[Sweetheart]

In our main poly relationship years ago, our significant other had 3 kids, and we had one. She often babysat for us, and I walked her youngest to school every morning. I was there to meet the kids when they got home from school, and we watched TV or played games together. I read stories to all 4 of them every night. It was one big happy family, and I have to concur with the others that more adults makes for a better environment for the kids. There is more support, more love, etc. When it came to decisions, we made judgment calls about our one, and she made the decisions for her three. It ran pretty smoothly. Her kids' father was often over and we got along great with him. All in all, it was very harmonious. Too bad it didn't last forever.

Today, we still have a few honorary aunts & uncles. The kids know which aunts/uncles are related to them, and which are not. Some are here in town with us, and get together for holidays, while others just call on the phone or send gifts & cards to the kids. To them, it is really no different than having regular aunts & uncles. They know that some are Mommy's friends or Daddy's friends, or both.

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by Sweetheart

Today, we still have a few honorary aunts & uncles. The kids know which aunts/uncles are related to them, and which are not. Some are here in town with us, and get together for holidays, while others just call on the phone or send gifts & cards to the kids. To them, it is really no different than having regular aunts & uncles. They know that some are Mommy's friends or Daddy's friends, or both.

Same here-our kids (well not Trin-she's only 2) know which ones are bio, step, adopted or just "friends" who were "so good at that job they got promoted" as we say. As well they know that GG is my boyfriend. But they aren't going to say "hey mom's bf..." Our oldest called him "nuncle" for years. She was not quite 2 when he came in the picture-but at that time he wasn't my bf either. He was "just a friend". Now she calls him by his first name with a "y" added. For some reason our family has this thing about adding "Y" as in the sounds "eeeee" to the end of every "special persons" name.
The younger kids flip between calling him by the same thing she does and calling him uncle except the baby-who calls him "my (first name+y)" which is adorable.

I think that kids are much more accepting in general and in a way-more self-centered. They want to be loved.They know it feels good from anyone. So they just want more and more and more. They aren't as choosy about WHO they get it from. Maybe because there isn't a sexual aspect to it-so some of the risks that come into play with us as adults aren't there for them. or maybe becuase they aren't as aware of the risks that are there?
Not sure. ... interesting thought.