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  #1  
Old 10-25-2011, 05:53 AM
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I found this today on another site I write on. What do you think?!

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Situation: Male takes on a new partner who is conditioned to think in terms of relationships being serially monogamous and sees herself as the "new" girlfriend, and the other woman as the one from a relationship that is unstable and close to ending. To make sure that the relationship is exclusive she menaces the primary girlfriend until finally the primary girlfriend is provoked into taking a stand against the abuse. Because the guy is drunk with NRE, he takes the side of the new woman and criticizes the primary female, accusing her of being jealous and refusing to hear any of what transpired between the two women. Should the primary ditch him for being an asshole, or give him time to realize that the new woman is trying to change him and make him abandon the primary relationship - which was important to him before she came along - for her?
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:11 AM
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Well I would give my boyfirend a little time, but I would be outraged. If he didn't come to his senses soon I would have to take a stand for myself. It depends on how long they have been together and if she could walk away, I might accept him back after a while. But how could you trust someone after that to keep their head in other realtionships.
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:22 AM
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I'd say don't necessarily just summarily dump him, but sit him down for a serious heart to heart and let him know that the relationship is seriously imperiled and explain why... then be prepared to walk away if he doesn't make a big, earnest effort to rein in menacing-new-girl and be more respectful.
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Old 10-25-2011, 11:27 AM
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This sounds like huge drama to me, which I hate, so I'd be making myself scarce, throwing myself into other projects/relationships etc until the other person came around. If they never did, it'd be sad, but that's how relationships are sometimes.

That's sort of both, sort of neither, a kind of "soft breakup" which is basically just pulling out of the relationship a bit, but leaving it open enough for them to return (with an apology) at a later date.
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Old 10-25-2011, 12:42 PM
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Ugh, I feel like I've seen this story so often, it's like reading a familiar screenplay or something.

I think, if I were that primary gf, I would ask that all three of us sit down together and have a group discussion. I would not hold back in airing my views, and challenging the new chick on shit she said or did, which the bf probably has no idea happened. Basically, I'd call her on the carpet in front of him and make sure everyone knew what's been going on, and what I won't put up with.

I would ask that the bf clearly state directly to the new gf's face what my position in his life is, and that she is not ousting anybody anytime soon. I would tell the bf in no uncertain terms that he is caught up in NRE and he had better be watchful for that, or he might just lose me. But I would also make it clear that leaving the relationship would be something I choose because I won't put up with disrespectful treatment and NOT that the new chick has won anything (a point of pride, for me I think). And then I would ask for certain specific terms that would make things more palatable to me, such as sticking to a designated number of days/nights together with him, rules about phone calls/texts invading my time with him, and things like that.

And I would do my best to express everything in a calm, even tone and a mature "I mean business" manner, so that they both know that I am a force to be reckoned with. If no progress is made within a reasonable amount of time, I'd either walk away or find another party (like a therapist or trusted friend) to help us resolve the issues.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-25-2011 at 12:45 PM.
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Old 10-25-2011, 01:31 PM
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Based on what's written, new gf is a serial monogamous in poly clothes. The question is whether the drunken bf is willing to see the truth for what it is. Primary gf is really holding all the cards in this situation.

Its her decision as to whether she wants him back, knowing that he is not wise enough to identify the new gf for what she really is.

Depending on the primary gf emotional investment she may want to let the fool and the new gf have each other in search of another man. Once the bf comes to his senses primary gf can elect to bring bf back into her life as a secondary relationship
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Old 10-26-2011, 06:12 PM
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Here is more.

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the main problem seems to be the getting the "talk to the hand" response from him because he is so intimidated by the new woman, who has quite a bit of charisma, and doesn't want to disappoint her. The more time that passes that he doesn't deal with it the less chance that the primary relationship can be saved. The primary relationship has been going on over 4.5 years, the new person since July or August (they broke up at the end of August but got back together a couple of weeks later). What is interesting is that the guy has always been very up front about announcing new partners, describing them, talking about them. And with this one the primary woman was totally caught off guard until she saw a photo the new woman posted on Facebook of the two of them being lovey-dovey, obviously intended for her to see, and even after that, he wouldn't talk about it. It's as if psychologically he knew that something wasn't right about this, but he is under her "spell" nevertheless because of her charisma and persuasiveness.
and
Quote:
the new woman was very threatened and went about trying to "get rid of" the "old" girlfriend by sending her intimidating messages etc. Evidently she doesn't have a clue about polyamory and he doesn't have healthy enough boundaries to say to her, "look, this is how it is, if you have a problem with it then we shouldn't date". Some times people tend to think with their sex organs at the beginning of a relationship, and not consider the consequences of inadvertently misleading people to think it could be an exclusive relationship. Actually he's had another relationship in the meantime, which he happily divulged to the primary woman who was happy for him and there has been no problem with that. People need to learn proper boundaries. When you enter a polyamorous relationship, you don't start emailing the other party in the preexisting relationship with the idea of hoping you can make them go away!
Can you say "Cowgirl?!"
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Old 10-26-2011, 06:36 PM
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I could say cowgirl, or retard, but that`s neither here nor there.

As for the story,..who wants a man, that easily duped ? If she really is a poacher, then they are well-suited.
I`ve never believed in 'fighting-for' someones attention. For the simple fact, that even if you break up, or move on,..what is meant to be, usually circles around again, without much effort.
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Old 10-26-2011, 06:36 PM
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OMG! you would think all she would need to do is print out the threats and say LOOK AT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 10-26-2011, 06:41 PM
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So, this isn't anyone you've communicated with, RP? This story was posted on another message board, third hand by a member there explaining a situation in someone else's life? None of the people actually involved in the story ever communicated with you nor posted there?

That's too bad. At first I thought you were gathering responses here to bring to them there. If they came here, I'm sure they'd get some good feedback.
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