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  #1  
Old 10-24-2011, 11:56 PM
xcharmedx xcharmedx is offline
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Unhappy Need advice!

Hi guys, Iím quite new to this and really, really confused about my feelings, so I was wondering if you could help. Any advice would be appreciated, but please be kind.
I met this guy about 10 months ago and we connected instantly. It was as if we already knew each other; weíre both vegan, both spiritual, etc. About an hour into our first conversation he told me he had a girlfriend. At this point I didnít know what polyamory was and asked him why he was still talking to me, and we left it at that. He ended up getting my phone number before he told me about his girlfriend so he texted me asking me out and telling me his girlfriend was completely fine with it all. So I obliged after a bit of convincing.
Soon enough he became my boyfriend and we are in love. He is still with his other girlfriend and he tells me he will always be polyamorous, but admits having two girlfriends is hard for him because he is so loyal. He sees us both equally, and spends time with us equally, which is hard for him because he has to do a lot of driving, etc. He is the most amazing, loving person Iíve ever met. He is always there for me the second I need help and he would do anything for me. He doesnít have any bad intentions.
Before I met him I had never had a boyfriend before, so my first relationship is polyamorous. I donít know how to feel. Iíve met his girlfriend before and sheís a nice girl and has done nothing wrong. I agree with the principles of honesty in polyamory and everything it stands for. To be honest I donít think I can ever be monogamous. But all of my friends are monogamous and tell me itís wrong and itís so hard to fit in. I also feel jealous a lot. Sometimes I can make the jealousy go away but it always comes back, and I feel like a bad person because Iím supposed to feel happy for him.
I feel like Iím on a roller coaster. Most of the time everything is fine and weíre in love, but all it takes is a single thought in my mind that heís with her and I come crumbling down. Iím scared of the future and I want to be with him at all costs but I donít know if my feelings are right or wrong, or if theyíre justifiable.
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  #2  
Old 10-25-2011, 12:15 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Your feelings aren't wrong, it's how you handle them that matters. It sounds like you're doing a very mature job of dealing with a very new situation. Don't worry about what your friends say, they'll either come around in time when they see he's not going to hurt you, or else they're kind of crappy friends. Even experienced poly people experience jealousy from time to time, but it gets much, much easier, and there are ways to work on it -- check out the essays on the topic at www.morethantwo.com, they're great.

It may also help to develop more of a friendship with his other gf... it can be really wonderful to get to the point where instead of feeling jealous you feel like partners in crime... I know that probably seems like a stretch now, but it can happen, believe me! Plus it'll make it easier on him if he can hang out with both of you at once from time to time rather than having to totally compartmentalize his life.

Do you think you might ever consider a second bf, if you met the right guy and he and your current bf got along?
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  #3  
Old 10-25-2011, 12:53 AM
xcharmedx xcharmedx is offline
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Thanks for your advice AnnabelMore, it was really helpful I will be sure to check out the website.
My boyfriend has encouraged me to talk to his other girlfriend more, and I agree that if we became closer it would be easier for both of us. I do hope it gets easier. I think that's my biggest fear - that my jealousy won't subside. It's like I know polyamory is right but it feels wrong at the moment. Strange how my head and my heart conflict!
To answer your question about the second bf, I know my current bf is very understanding and he doesn't have double standards so I'm free to do as I choose (which is another reason why I love him so much). If it happens it happens, but I don't want to complicate things so in a way I kind of hope it doesn't.
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Old 10-25-2011, 01:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xcharmedx View Post
. . . I agree that if we became closer it would be easier for both of us. I do hope it gets easier. I think that's my biggest fear - that my jealousy won't subside.
We're all afraid of a variety of things, but if we let our fears stop us, nothing in this world would ever get done! The only way to get past that fear is to do the thing you're afraid of. "Feel the fear and do it anyway" is the title of a popular book and it's very true.

You may find a good and wonderful friend in his other girlfriend, who is your metamour, so don't let fear of your own emotions stop you from taking a chance and getting to know her better.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 10-25-2011, 02:35 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Xc,

It's also ok if you and the other girlfriend don't become best buds. It's just fine to be polite and respectful with metamours.

Good on you for being willing to admit jealousy and learnning to cope. Jealousy doesn't seem to go away for many (like myself). It's not a dragon to be slayed once and for all. (And then you get the prince!) Facing one's fears and naming them is a painful but often liberating process.

A small word of warning. You may not be willing to pay any price to be with this man. Maybe poly is not for you or there is some other deal breaker. You seem to be in a good situation but tuck away that some prices should not be paid to maintain a relationship.
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Old 10-25-2011, 06:40 PM
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It sucks that your friends think poly is wrong and don't get it. Not uncommon though. I would suggest getting out to poly events and getting to know poly people so that you have a sense of belonging and get support from friends that understand.
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Old 10-25-2011, 10:16 PM
xcharmedx xcharmedx is offline
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Quote:
It sucks that your friends think poly is wrong and don't get it. Not uncommon though. I would suggest getting out to poly events and getting to know poly people so that you have a sense of belonging and get support from friends that understand.
My friends had all never heard of polyamory and I dont blame them, neither had I. There is difficulty in trying to convey what it is as I'm sure you all know. No matter what I say about trust or honesty or free love, the second I tell them he has another gf they tell me I deserve better. So it was really hard for me because I didn't know who to listen to. I choose not to tell most people and some of my friends just want me to be happy, but they still feel sorry for me. I just wish they could see what an amazing guy he is.

Last edited by xcharmedx; 10-25-2011 at 10:24 PM.
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Old 10-26-2011, 06:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xcharmedx View Post
My friends had all never heard of polyamory and I dont blame them, neither had I. There is difficulty in trying to convey what it is as I'm sure you all know. No matter what I say about trust or honesty or free love, the second I tell them he has another gf they tell me I deserve better. So it was really hard for me because I didn't know who to listen to. I choose not to tell most people and some of my friends just want me to be happy, but they still feel sorry for me. I just wish they could see what an amazing guy he is.
I have found that in time people come around when they see its working for me and that I am happy. I tell stories about my life and they listen to hear where things are fucking up so they can say "I told you so" but I don't give them anything to go on. I consult poly friends when I need advice and support. Not mono friends. They usually don't get it and not as a result are not able to support me. Different friends for different areas of life. Nothing wrong with that.
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  #9  
Old 10-27-2011, 03:34 AM
xcharmedx xcharmedx is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Xc,

A small word of warning. You may not be willing to pay any price to be with this man. Maybe poly is not for you or there is some other deal breaker. You seem to be in a good situation but tuck away that some prices should not be paid to maintain a relationship.
I'm scared I'm going to have to leave him because I can't do it anymore. Which doesn't make sense and isn't fair on anyone. I could be wrong about everything and the fact that this is my first relationship and thus have never been monogamous with anyone means I have no point of reference to compare things to. It's unbelievably difficult when all your ideas about what a relationship is about are suddenly torn away. Whilst i agree with the principles of polyamory in theory I'm starting to think its not for me I'm not strong enough. I admire those of you who are able to "face your fears and do it anyway".
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  #10  
Old 10-27-2011, 03:44 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm curious, in your original post you said "To be honest I donít think I can ever be monogamous". What prompted you to say that, and what prompts you to say now that you don't think you can be poly? How do you envision resolving the conflict between these two thoughts about yourself?
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