Under the radar

[gwendolenthefair]

Yes, I thought about the alcohol factor too, Magdlyn. He told me that they had coffee and chat for two hours in between the beer and the makeout session, so he could not have been particularly drunk, but still, sure, it might have made his judgement hazy.

What I find amazing about the poly community is that if this was a BDSM situation and I said that my husband and I had an agreement, freely entered into by both of us, that once a week I could handcuff him and beat him with a wooden spoon in between urinating on him, people would just shrug and say, that's YOUR relationship agreement, you're both consenting adults, stay safe and have fun with it! Yet if I admit that my primary partner has agreed to some limitations on how he pursues other relationships, there are always people who freak out about it. Curious, that.

[SourGirl]

I don`t know about 'The Poly Community' but I can say my answer is based on your own written history. All your posts, lump-sum.

There is a 'control' vibe going on. If that`s your deali-o, you are correct, it`s a choice between you two.

I believe 24/7 bdsm or the like, is a cop-out, ...so to me, what happens there is play, in real life, people need to be in control of themselves.
Even with a objective p.o.v., I have found that people do better if they are either 'in' with a very apparent control-set, or 'out' with no control set.

If you choose the 'grey area' the lines get blurred. That is ok, but it takes time and many mistakes to establish a rock-solid routine of control.

The post reads to me that you are baffled he didn`t read your mind ? Or do things 'your way'. I think there will be more experiences, and more mistakes made, until he figures out himself, and exactly what you want, control-wise.

The other thing to remember, is that when one hands over control in certain areas, it has to truly be what they want. It can`t be coerced, brow-beaten, or if the person is lying to themselves, it only hurts and frustrates the controlling party. If he isn`t acting like he wants what you want,...he very well might not want it. Just wants to keep the peace.

If he does want what you do, then its time for him to get it together, and keep his word.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair

What I find amazing about the poly community is that if this was a BDSM situation and I said that my husband and I had an agreement, freely entered into by both of us, that once a week I could handcuff him and beat him with a wooden spoon in between urinating on him, people would just shrug and say, that's YOUR relationship agreement, you're both consenting adults, stay safe and have fun with it! Yet if I admit that my primary partner has agreed to some limitations on how he pursues other relationships, there are always people who freak out about it. Curious, that.

I find this comparison really confusing. In BDSM, usually both partners are really into what's happening. So, presumably your husband would be enjoying the pain and humiliation mixed with pleasure of the beating and urination... it would be a mutually satisfying sexual act on one level or another. You may as well have said "If my husband and I engage in mutual masturbation and vaginal intercourse, no one would have anything negative to say." ...um, of course they wouldn't!

How on earth is that connected to you asking us if your husband is trying to sneak a relationship under your radar and some of us replying that perhaps your expectations and behavior are controlling?

[gwendolenthefair]

I am not getting why anyone sees a control issue here. I have veto power. He has veto power. I would rather get to know people up front and stop a problematic connection in its tracks so I don't have to veto someone he might feel invested in. He is willing to wait and see and deal with potential problems down the road if he needs to. He also has more faith in my judgement than I have in his, mostly because I have a lot more experience with relationships than he does, and because he has exhibited very poor judgement in the past (to the point where we had to seek a restraining order). He's agreed to let me get to know potential partners a little before he proceeds, and I don't believe he sees it as a problem at all. He has zero interest in casual sex, so this isn't cramping his style as we see it.

I was upset when I first posted and probably a little paranoid, but I calmed down and we worked it out.

Oh, and the powers that be here, moving this was erroneous. I am not new to polyamory, we have been poly for five years.

[redpepper]

I'm leaving it here because this is where people who are new read. General is more to talk about theory and stuff...

I am with you gwendolen. I would be pissed off and would be struggling with this situation. I don't see it as control at all. I also wondered, as Mags did, how much alcohol was involved. Some women like to smooch when they drink... she got out of hand maybe and he thought it cute? Who knows. In any case, I think I would decide, as she doesn't seem willing to talk AT ALL, that she is disappointed that she has no chance with your hubby and that she is feeling other stuff around rejection perhaps also. It sounds like your hubby isn't interested anyway, so I think I would just take a breath and let it go...

[gwendolenthefair]

Thanks redpepper! He knows I'm not upset with him. He doesn't have a huge amount of dating experience yet, and I think he just didn't know what to do when she initiated a passionate kiss. I don't think any woman has done that with him in almost 30 years!

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair

Thanks redpepper! He knows I'm not upset with him. He doesn't have a huge amount of dating experience yet, and I think he just didn't know what to do when she initiated a passionate kiss. I don't think any woman has done that with him in almost 30 years!

Ahhh, he was probably all puffed up and chuffed Cute! At least I know my PN would be. He doesn't get enough kissing from the ladies. I hope it was an ego boost.

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair

and I think he just didn't know what to do when she initiated a passionate kiss.

Ok, so this means you have changed your stance, on the below quotes, you stated earlier ?

Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair

Five hours later, he arrived back home. He told me that their time together had included a long make-out session, initiated by her. He said that he did not know it was going to happen, but that he enjoyed it, and made no attempt to stop it.

Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair

Husband is confusing me by saying that he still does not want to "date" her, that he still doesn't want to date anyone, but that he enjoyed what happened and that he enjoyed his time with her in general, and would like to have more of it.

I can understand why you would be confused,....if you were confused now. He said he enjoyed things, and said it a couple of times. He seemed very clear that it just happened, and he enjoyed it, end of story.
It sounds like some back-peddling has happened on his part.

Originally Posted by gwendolenthefair

I am upset with both of them. I do not like surprises at all, I like to know what's going on. I saw this woman as a platonic friend of his since he had clearly stated to me that he wasn't attracted to her. As such, she did not need to get to know me. However, if she is more than a platonic friend, she absolutely does, at least a little, since our agreement says, no strangers. I also see it as very disrespectful to just make a pass at a married guy with no attempt to communicate with his wife at all beforehand despite ample opportunity to do so.

Do you think, maybe he didn`t want to upset you ? It is sounding like he is downplaying things, in order to avoid upsetting you. This is what I meant by 'control'. He 'gives' to your desires. Regardless if you meant to, or if he assumes.
Naturally it seems easier to him, to not rock the boat. He might still feel some guilt over whatever happened in the past.
However, is it possible his desires are different then yours ? You asked the board, if we thought he might be in denial. I think that is a real possibility.
That is what I meant. It may take time to sort these things out. He doesn`t seem to feel the same way about things that you do, by the words you have provided to us.
So, while this woman may not be a issue, ( since she doesn`t seem to be very considerate ) this could come up again.