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  #1  
Old 10-22-2011, 03:59 AM
newgirl62 newgirl62 is offline
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Default New, confused and needing help

I began a relationship with a poly man about a year ago not intending it to become too serious. He is married and had another girlfriend. We have fallen in love and he is now in the process of getting divorced and wants to be together full time. He wants to keep the other girlfriend but not have her live with us.

I understand his need for more than one relationship but I have always been mono and am trying to adapt. My biggest problem is jealously. I feel so hurt when he goes to see her. I know he loves me but my emotions keep getting the best of me.

He says he cares deeply for her but only loves me as the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

Will it get easier once we live together and I can spend more time with him?

How do I cope with the jealousy and hurt?
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  #2  
Old 10-22-2011, 05:35 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Going to live with him is the last thing you should do. No, it won't get better if you live with him, it will get worse. That would be my educated guess. You will be sitting at home while he is off with other women. Sit with that. Go with your gut. Don't move in with him. Find your own place and date. He is coming out of a marriage and should take time to adjust to it ending. Moving in with you means no adjustment time and no time to see how the cards fall of his life... it sounds like he is replacing the wife with you. BIG red flag there for me.

Jealousy is your gut telling you that you are fearing something or not getting your needs met. Pull it all apart and figure out what fear you have and what need you have that isn't being met and then figure out how to be creative about finding ways to ease that. Ask for your needs to be met, address your fears head on and respect your bodies way of protecting you.

There is a lot on here about "jealousy" if you do a tag search. Also on "moving in."
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  #3  
Old 10-23-2011, 12:10 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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There is something hinky about a guy who was married and has two gf's but now he says he only loves you? How convenient.

I agree with RP that this is a huge red flag. He just doesn't want to be alone, I think. It takes a lo-o-o-ong time to heal from divorce, even if you also have other partners. Do not move in. Give it at least another year, see if it works out. Maybe your relationship with him worked best because it was casual, because he had a primary partner. You don't yet know how it would be to be in a more primary position in his life - maybe it will suck. See if you can handle your jealousy better, see what's underneath. But really, moving in does not seem like a good idea at all.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 10-24-2011, 06:35 AM
Moonmama Moonmama is offline
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I think if you lay quietly and tune into your heart you already know what you are going to do and what path you choose to explore. Nothing is ever black an white. Follow your inTuition <3
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Old 10-26-2011, 10:17 PM
newgirl62 newgirl62 is offline
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Redpepper.

We have decided to wait a while before moving in together but that still leaves me with the jealousy to deal with. Does it get easier?
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  #6  
Old 10-26-2011, 10:19 PM
newgirl62 newgirl62 is offline
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[QUOTE=nycindie;107622]There is something hinky about a guy who was married and has two gf's but now he says he only loves you? How convenient.

He still wants to keep his other girlfriend (and I found out yesterday, he loves her) but wants to live and spend the rest of his life with me.

Am I setting myself up to be hurt?
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  #7  
Old 10-27-2011, 04:01 AM
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Jealousy can get easier as time goes on. Sometimes its a matter of just experiencing the situation for a while until its normalized and trust has developed. For some though it never gets easier and I would think that its a then a matter of deciding that while the idea of poly is good in theory, it just doesn't work for them, or deciding that they can live with it. It all takes process and time though it seems.

I think if this were me I would be looking long and hard about what this man is saying and what is in your heart and mind about what I want for my future. You might be setting yourself up for some hurt, but it could be that you have something real. Take care of yourself in this. There is no reason to rush in and commit to him for life or live together right away. It sounds like this is new to you, so give it all time and see where it goes. That would be what I would do anyway.
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Old 10-27-2011, 10:56 PM
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I'm a guy. After I read the above posts I have to agree with the posters: this guy sounds suspicious. Polyamory doesn't mean just sleeping with other girls. It means being dedicated to each one and making sure everyone's needs are met. When your needs are met, you are happy, and less jealous.

How much time does he spend with you? How much time with each other girl? Do you all get about equal time?

Do you fear losing him? Why or why not?

Do you feel your needs are getting met? Why or why not?
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