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  #1  
Old 10-21-2011, 04:11 AM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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Default I don't think this is for me. What now?

My wife and I are involved with another couple who are also married. In brief, it started when I had an emotional affair with the other woman. Along the way, I thought why not polyamory? So brought it up with my wife once in a while. Well, eventually she and he ended up in love.

When it started I was VERY jealous. Most of my desire to have an OSO relationship totally went away. Whatever spell she had on me was lifted. At least it felt that way.

However I continued because I wanted to overcome my jealousy and give something special to my wife. Since then I have made lots of progress but I am still struggling.

Now I am coming to grips with the fact that being poly may just not be for me. If I decide to end this I will end up hurting everyone involved. Especially my wife who loves him very much. I love my OSO very much as well but I am sad to say that I have no desire to have a relationship with her.

If I do ask to end things, how can we "just" be friends with them. How can my wife and i trust each other? I mean once your given a pass and you know how special that person means to her, if there is a weak moment they end up being physical. My wife suggested we way need to move away.

Any advice? Right now I told my wife not to make any rash decisions as I am still trying to figure if the problem is me holding onto stupid emotions like jealousy and possessiveness.

Thanks.
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  #2  
Old 10-21-2011, 05:26 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Perhaps you could take a break from seeing your OSO and see how you do with just your wife seeing her OSO. There's no rule that you have to be with another couple equally. Just because you want to stop doesn't mean everyone has to, does it? You can both have separate relationships. Lastly, moving way shouldn't even be an option. Relationships end sometimes. Are you really super embarrassed about it, and that's why you would move?
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  #3  
Old 10-21-2011, 05:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Perhaps you could take a break from seeing your OSO and see how you do with just your wife seeing her OSO. There's no rule that you have to be with another couple equally. Just because you want to stop doesn't mean everyone has to, does it? You can both have separate relationships.
What she says.
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  #4  
Old 10-21-2011, 07:27 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
My wife and I are involved with another couple who are also married. In brief, it started when I had an emotional affair with the other woman.
Well that's why. Poly kinda means not squelching emotions if you don't have to, and you skipped over this statement's meanings to comment instead on your wife's emotions towards HIM when she had the nerve to feel things towards him, and your jealousy surrounding those feelings. If you'd started this thread with the above quote and YOUR wife's feelings about your emotions for the other woman & how to deal with that it would've been telling in a much different way than the fact that it is now that it's YOUR feelings that are being challenged & it's become "a problem".

I don't know what's happened - did the other woman just want to be friends with benefits? did she not know you had feelings? did she have them too but you felt it was "wrong" because you and your wife weren't identifying as poly? Are you irritated your wife wants more when you couldn't have more?
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 10-21-2011 at 07:30 AM.
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  #5  
Old 10-21-2011, 02:07 PM
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How long have you been working on this?
Has anything happened to make you think you won't keep making progress?
What sorts of feelings and reactions are you experiencing?
Do you have an idea of where it's all coming from... fear that she'll like something about him better than you, fear that she'll love him more, fear she'll get pregnant, etc?
Have you considered couples counseling with a poly friendly counselor (it's gotta be cheaper than moving!)?
Have you read the resources on dealing with jealousy at www.morethantwo.com?
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  #6  
Old 10-21-2011, 02:22 PM
Minxxa Minxxa is offline
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Sometimes what poly does is open up our heads and hearts and shine a light on all of the stuff that's not healthy and has been hiding from us. This can be scary, and unpleasant, and the first reaction and easiest thing to do is to stop doing poly so you can shove the unhealthy stuff back into the darkness.

Or... you can see this is a golden opportunity to work on the unhealthy stuff, pull it out of the darkness, take it for a ride, see what it's all about and eventually let it go.

I think a counselor might very well be in order, if only to help you find out where the feelings/emotions are coming from and work through them.

In the end, this work will help YOU become a healthier person. In return, it will help you become a healthier partner for your wife, and help your relationship.

I'd suggest giving that a little time before making any big decisions.
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Old 10-21-2011, 03:02 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi there PooBah,

First off, I'd say you are possibly a bit confused, which never helps rough spots.
I'd say - just from what little you've written - that you guys dabbled in "swinging", which may or may not lead to poly understanding.
It's critical that you understand the difference ! Read/study until you do !

There's a wealth of good information on here as well as numerous other places.

There's a difference between "love" and 'infatuation'. Again, judging just from the little you wrote, I'd guess that what you were experiencing with your other partner was more infatuation. We don't just get bored with love so easily
Likely, this all started, like it so commonly does, out of a desire for some sexual variation, passion, whatever. It may not even have progressed beyond that although it seems there might be some potential. Now ou've tried it and discovered you are not studied enough or emotionally prepared for the roads this can take you down.
That's ok. Not everyone has it in them - for a variety of reasons.

All I can say is that the journey IS worth the struggle though if you can do it. it can be a life changing experience in how we view the world (and people) around us and how we fit in to the whole picture.

Good luck - whichever route you choose to follow.
Please feel free to come here for support. Lot of great, wise people here.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by poobah123 View Post
My wife and I are involved with another couple who are also married. In brief, it started when I had an emotional affair with the other woman. Along the way, I thought why not polyamory? So brought it up with my wife once in a while. Well, eventually she and he ended up in love.

When it started I was VERY jealous. Most of my desire to have an OSO relationship totally went away. Whatever spell she had on me was lifted. At least it felt that way.

However I continued because I wanted to overcome my jealousy and give something special to my wife. Since then I have made lots of progress but I am still struggling.

Now I am coming to grips with the fact that being poly may just not be for me. If I decide to end this I will end up hurting everyone involved. Especially my wife who loves him very much. I love my OSO very much as well but I am sad to say that I have no desire to have a relationship with her.

If I do ask to end things, how can we "just" be friends with them. How can my wife and i trust each other? I mean once your given a pass and you know how special that person means to her, if there is a weak moment they end up being physical. My wife suggested we way need to move away.

Any advice? Right now I told my wife not to make any rash decisions as I am still trying to figure if the problem is me holding onto stupid emotions like jealousy and possessiveness.

Thanks.
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  #8  
Old 10-21-2011, 03:16 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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Thanks.

Anneintherain you are right. The negative feelings are mostly focused on being uncomfortable with my wife and him physically less so emotionally. Also I am fighting the human programming of being poly not being normal. ugh.

I spoke with my OSO last night and told her I needed a break. Obviously she was very upset as am I. It's like I purposely tore my own heart out and hers too. WTF am I doing?

I told her that it was not fair to her that I put her through so many emotional ups and downs and that for the time being I wanted to avoid hurting her anymore and take time for myself. I have given a lot to both my wife and my OSO since this started but now I feel like I need to give to myself.

I have no doubt I love my OSO (wife too). If I did not, I would not be hurting so much today. I feel miserable. I am afraid I might lose something with her and never get it back. All because of some hidden bullshit in my head.

Still, when I think about being poly I see the great things that it brings in my life and the others involved.

I am trying to do the right thing. Take time to myself. reassess things and then make decisions. I am pretty sure I know how this will end up because I love both of them.
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  #9  
Old 10-21-2011, 03:37 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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You are absolutely doing the right thing by taking time for yourself. Good for you, man. Much better a break than a meltdown that leads to rash decisions or ultimatums. Take it at your own pace, and think about the things that have been raised in this thread.
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  #10  
Old 10-21-2011, 03:41 PM
poobah123 poobah123 is offline
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GroundedSpirit...well said. yes I have not included much but I have posted previously here with my ups and downs. The four of us really do have an understanding of being poly. We all have discussed this together and I do not consider it swinging. I know how my wife feels about him. I am understanding and accepting of her feelings. Just not the physical aspect of their relationship. Sometime it all boils down to an overwhelming feeling of "what the hell am I doing???"
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